


Houses of Ice

by Celestos (Seruspica)



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! GX
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Blood and Injury, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Apocalypse, Psychological Trauma, Survivor Guilt, Trans Character, Zombies, a lot of talk about death, an oc commits suicide, things get gory, unintentional misgendering by one character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-17 18:31:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 57,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11857245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seruspica/pseuds/Celestos
Summary: AU. “Because that’s one more life still intact. That’s one more human alive. That’s a miracle. There’s God knows how many corpses to bury... but you’re alive, Rei. And I’m so glad you’re alive.”Of everything lost, family found, and a terrible secret at the end of the world.[ygobigbang 2017, written first half of 2017]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for YGO Big Bang 2017.
> 
> This was darker than I thought it'd be, to be honest. I'd wanted to write something like this for a while, but when it came down to it, writing a horror/apocalypse story ended up almost breaking me. There's only so much sadness and tragedy I can take... but god am I weak for the found family trope.
> 
> Trigger warnings have been indicated above - if it's not your thing, then there's never an obligation to read. I understand this definitely won't be to some people's liking! I'd also just like to say that this is my first time writing an explicitly trans character, and while I did try my best, please do tell me if I did something wrong. There is a little (unintentional, on behalf of a 13 year old) misgendering in later chapters, and for that, I apologise.
> 
> Special thanks to [manicpixiedreampharaoh](http://manicpixiedreampharaoh.tumblr.com) for beta-reading, and to [sexystarmie](http://sexystarmie.tumblr.com) for the artwork! So thankful I got to work with you both. The illustration is for the end of ch. 5, so you'll see it there.

On the twenty-sixth night of _everything being all right_ , Rei dreamed of suicide.

When the morning came, it seemed no better than the day before it, nor any other day of the twenty-seven left in the past. Pale light streamed in from the curtains, as it had each time before. It drew pale lines on the walls and crossed through piles of books. The line of light rose as much as it fell, tracing down the side of the drawers, and lighting up the top of the baseball bat that rested against it. Outside, the birds were starting to sing.

Rei let out a groan, resisting the light.

A part of her longed to look outside, just for a second, then draw the curtains - just like she did on most weekends, no matter how much her stepmother would call down for breakfast. She would lay in bed and dream - sometimes fully asleep, sometimes not, with the odd bursts of Marty’s voice, and her mother’s, cutting up her dreams into pieces. She had not minded back then - but _everything was all right_ , and it was better to think about nothing as she tossed on top of her bed, sheets thrown about and pillow long since having made the floor its new home.

With a wince, she thought of her dream, and sleeping forever.

The phantom ache in her limbs had not healed overnight, like she had hoped. Her arms had strayed where they had been in the hours she had tried to force herself into sleep, and had fallen, limp, to her sides. One arm hung from the edge of the bed.

She shuffled around, forcing herself to open her eyes and push herself up. Her lungs screamed for air. The sleep that still lingered between her eyelashes had turned to glue, rough with all of the tossing and turning. The harder she tried to pry them open, the less they obeyed. Her shoulders were aching. Her back was only a little better than the state of the day before.

The mattress had almost grown tougher. Her blankets were either too hot or too cold. The pillows had turned into smothering depths.

_Why am I still alive?_

The thought forced her up.

Clumsy hands made their way to rub at her eyes. Her hips ached as she shifted around, slowly and wearily. Her eyes were sleep-drunk. In silence, ignoring the careless birdsong outside, she listened.

Silence. Dead silence. _Everything was all right._

_What if it was all real? What if I didn’t wake up?_

Rei heaved as she eased herself up. Stretching had not helped, and the pain was still there. Her body was far from what it had been. The cheers of her classmates as she took second place in the hundred metres were nothing more than faraway echoes now; voices she swore she heard in the corners of her sanity, odd calls she thought were coming from outside, and that she would respond to, only to find nothing staring at her through the window, nothing but the cool white of the sky.

Her feet were cold, and it was only once they touched the hedgehog tangle of the rug that she realised just how cold they were. Her toes scrunched between the fibres, clinging on tight, before she leaned to stand on her tiptoes, and back on her heels again. Muscles stretched, as she tried to breathe in, then out again, and then in once more, eyes gravitating up to the ceiling and then to the side, marking the line of light that parted her curtains.

There would not be much to look at outside. Shadows on the white windowsill spoke of rain.

Rei gave a sigh.

A creeping sock peeped out from a half-open drawer. Some underwear, from the same place, had slipped to the floor. The rest of her clothes - the same ones she had worn yesterday, but it did not matter - were draped over her chair. She would wear them again, she decided. Nobody would see her. Her father would not complain if she wore them five days in a row. Her stepmother, at worst, would moan, like she did at Marty sometimes when he came to breakfast on weekends in rumpled shirts and odd socks. Rei could remember the last time, when a hole had graced one of her stepbrother’s socks, and she had found herself laughing. Marty had only yawned, and asked for hot chocolate.

In silence, Rei wished there was milk in the house.

The last of it had turned to lumps weeks ago. Grimacing, she had thrown it out. Since then, there had been no more hot chocolate. There had been hot cups of her parents’ coffee, and some of her stepmother’s expensive English Breakfast that she had forced down and almost coughed back up in disgust. Coffee had been a little more bearable, but it still stung her tongue and left too strong a flavour on her dry lips.

There was a vending machine a corner away; a corner too far. The last time she had ventured outside, a few days ago, to the vending machine, she had run home in panic. Her bottle of juice had rolled out of sight. It was lost.

 _Only milk,_ she decided, as she eased into yesterday’s shirt, then her hoodie, at once. Her jeans were starting to rest loose on her hips.

_What if I go?_

With her clothes on and some water from the bathroom tap splashed into her face, bat in one hand out of routine, Rei stumbled downstairs, cursing her feet as she walked.

The noise was too much to bear. Floorboards creaked underneath. Her hands gave off small squeaks as she pushed herself on, fingers grasping at the bannister. The paint beneath them was starting to peel. Where it had gone, she could barely make out the circles of nails and dark wood beneath.

Halfway down the stairs, Rei stopped. There was bare silence. Careful not to fall, she leaned over the bannister, biting her lip the closer her head tipped to the living room door.

She took a breath in as she listened. Her eyes squeezed shut. The thrum of her heart rang through her body and beat through her ears.

 _Everything is all right,_ she reminded herself. What met her, and what hung in the chill of the air, was absolute silence.

Unclenching her teeth, she forced herself to relax. She could breathe now, as much as she wanted. She had to stay silent, she knew - but the coast was clear. The door was locked. The same ball of her stepmother’s knitting yarn lay on the shelf by the door, loops of the same colour tight around the living room door’s metal handle and up in a loop around an empty hook on the wall. The handle was still.

_Everything is just fine. Everything is all right._

She came down the rest of the way, holding her breath as she scurried past the same door she had stared at in silence. The risk was too great to breathe. The yarn was unmoving, and no sounds had come from behind it - but she had not yet looked through the keyhole, and she did not want to. What was behind it, she already knew. Her stomach turned at the thought.

Carefully, Rei turned to the kitchen door, and gently, eyes shutting, she turned the handle.

She peered in. The kitchen was empty. The table was clear, if a little littered by crumbs, but otherwise fine. An empty vase stood by the counter. The anniversary flowers were probably brown now, rotting away in the midst of the trash. How long it had been since she had thrown them out, she could not remember. Gone was the stagnant water in the vase’s depths.

Rei put the bat down and went on.

Cool fingers took hold of a lone glass by the side of the sink. The other hand turned the tap. Water came out - clear water, she saw, and she sighed at the sight. What little light that the blinds were letting in danced on its surface. Rei saw nothing in it but bubbles.

_What if there’s something in this?_

Rei took a sip.

The taste was no different than usual - cold, a little metallic, and the odd feeling that rose in her throat and stomach was not much different than how she had felt the day before, and all of the days before that, somewhat sick at the taste of cold water first thing in the morning. If something was in the water, then it was tasteless and colourless, and if it was going to kill her, then it would do the job later.

Her stomach groaned at the thought of _just water_. She had the kitchen, but she needed food.

Rei turned around and put the glass down with a clatter. Her hands reached up for the cupboard above, searching for something - anything, she thought with a sigh. Supplies had shrunk down. What her hand could reach on the bottom shelf was lessening. At eye level was nothing but crumbs, what was left of a packet of tasteless tea biscuits - nothing, but the cruelly-left wrapper.

Up above, she knew, was tea and coffee and cocoa powder. The sweeter biscuits had long since been eaten. Nothing was left.

 _Ramen,_ she thought. _Maybe some ramen…_

She hauled up a chair, wincing as its legs dragged on the ground and made noise. It took another pause before she could breathe out again. _Still silent,_ she thought, heaving her way up to reach for the ramen on its usual shelf.

It took too long - too many tired, heavy moments - for her to realise that nothing was left. She had forgotten in the midst of her haze; that everything had run out, or gone rotten, or she could not stomach without feeling sick, and the last of the ramen had been eaten three days ago. Her stomach complained at so much as the sight of coffee, and she forced herself to turn away from it. She did not want to make herself ill - but she was ill already, she knew - if the water had been truly clean, then she was ill from something else, from her own stomach pleading for her to eat when she had nothing, from how little she had slept, from the vision that had cut deep into her brain like a knife.

Her stomach would not settle, and her eyes were not clear. Rei sat down at the table, sighing into her hands. The faint ache of her stomach turned her thoughts to a blur. She let out a groan, wishing she did not have to think, or to get up, or to breathe.

_I don’t have to, do I?_

She was safe in the kitchen. It was empty, and no longer could she bear the taste of bitter black coffee, but it was safe - away from everything, two doors at least between her and and an ugly death. Those doors - both of them - were locked, the one to the living room bound with yarn just in case. She was safe in the house, empty as it was, and outside was not. She had seen it herself, from the window above and her brief time outside, when she had run home empty-handed from what she had seen by the vending machine. The scent of blood was still fresh in her mind.

She closed her eyes and, for an instant, saw familiar red.

 _Everything is all right, and I almost died in a dream last night,_ Rei thought, chest stiff and turning to lead as warm fire started to prick at her eyes.

 _Maybe I_ do _want to die._

The voice in her head dripped with honey as she remembered her dreams. _It would be better to die, wouldn’t it?_ She would not have to think, not any more. Someone would find her body and leave it to rot, or - she gave a small shiver at the thought, realising how real it all was - _eat it_ , carelessly bite into her flesh and devour, until nothing was left. The house was cold, and she would follow suit quickly enough, even if she was to go outside and face her death there - the air would only get colder, and if she did not want to, she would not take her coat.

_I’ll be cold, and I’ll die._

She would feel nothing, sooner or later. Her body would mean nothing in all the days after, when the snow came and the city would freeze, and nobody would find her - because no-one was left, Rei thought, in the midst of her tears - not even in spring, because there was nobody left in the world.

 _I’m all alone here. Why am I here? Why am I_ me? _What happened? Why am I here, and everybody else isn’t?_

_Why?_

_But there’s no point,_ the voice in her head slithered. _Nobody will remember you. You’re nothing special._

There would be no grave for her, if she died - not even a marker. Names were probably lost to the dust. Her books and her diaries would be of no use, save for fodder for flames, if anyone found her remains - _if anyone is even out there_ , she thought.

_But nobody is. Nobody. I’m here. I’m here alone._

Nobody in her class had answered their phone. Trying had not been enough. One day, she threw herself onto her bed and cried into the pillow. She did not call again after that. There was no point in it; no point in anything, no point in even breathing, or eating, because she would wake up alone again, with death in her eyes and occasionally those terrible, faint sounds in her ears, coming from the crack between floor and door in the living room.

 _Marty,_ she thought. _Marty. I’m sorry._

Her eyes were growing damp, and she swiped at them, but it made them no drier.

 _I had Marty here. I messed up. I failed. I killed him,_ she screamed out in her head, feeling the scorch of tears on her cheeks.

 _Marty. I’m sorry. I’m sorry_ …

She squeezed her eyes shut. Tears carried on creeping. She felt acid at the back of her throat, and she wanted to choke - but she could not. She would not let herself - and, swallowing down, she forced herself to breathe.

 _I could join him,_ she thought, fighting the thought that loomed in her head. _I could join all of them, couldn’t I?_

The tattered ends of the dream were still there - still pulling, still creeping. Everything hurt, and Rei had no words, and no strength with which to fight. Cursing her uselessness, she clutched her stomach, wishing for food, and tried to smear away tears on her hoodie. On the bright red, the spots turned to crimson.

Her vision filled with the sight of blood.

_Marty. I’m sorry…_

Her head hit the table. The pain was not enough. Her stomach still ached; her head was still painful, and if she sat around any longer, she knew she would be sick. There was nothing to cough up but water, but the feeling was there nonetheless, and it was crushing her, thrusting up into her middle, like a hand reaching up with her lungs just inches out of the grip. The pounding in her head mirrored the pain down below, and in the midst of it were thoughts, and voices, and the feeling of wanting to cry.

_Please. I know. I want to die. I don’t know how long I can last._

_I don’t know. I don’t know._

_Help._

_Please, somebody, help me, I’m scared. I’m alone._

_Marty’s dead. I let him die. I killed him. I’m crazy. I’m crazy. I’m sorry. Please help me. Help. I can’t take it. I’m scared I’ll go crazy, and I don’t know if there’s anywhere else, or if I should stay in here, or if I can leave -_

_\- leave -_

_…go._

_I should go._

The thought was sudden. _Go,_ she thought of it again. _What does that mean?_

The hunger in the pit of her stomach was twisting her mind. It was hard to think straight. At the mention of _go,_ she thought _leave:_ take herself out of the house and never come back - or just to run to the convenience store and back, hands full of food, then return, and stay. The house was her safe place - locked where she needed it locked, yet old and familiar. Her heart hesitated at the mention of _not coming back._

_…but there’s nothing left here. There’s nothing left, right?_

_There is. There might be. Go out._

If it was her thought, then she did not recognise it. It felt almost alien in the back of her head - so unlike what she had been thinking about for days. What voice, or what part of her still believed in it, Rei wanted to ignore, to push aside. It was a lie. There was nobody.

_What if?_

The chance was small. Outside was a vast world, but a horrible one. The last time, she had seen more than blood on the ground. She had not wanted to leave for a reason. Outside was terror and fear and what she knew was inhuman - what she knew her parents had turned to, and what she dreaded becoming, and yet had not become. Why, she could not tell - but if she had not turned, then the little voice at the back of her mind told her it meant _something._

_What if I leave?_

She looked up, staring emptily at the door. She could hear nothing.

_What if I go? What if I find something?_

Her stomach groaned with starvation.

_I might find it. Maybe there’s something outside. Something still safe. Something - something - at least, something to eat…_

_At least, the convenience store. I’ll get something to eat, then I’ll come back here._

What could be out there, Rei could not begin to guess. The chance had to be tiny - maybe no more than a speck amongst dust, or a crumb amidst what was left of an old food supply - but it would be something. The thought of it sent a rush through her veins, and that small, painful voice that had spoken of hope would not stay silent. It would not hush. There was no time. She did not have the power to fight it.

With that same cluster of thoughts looping in her head, she found herself running, not caring how much or how little noise she made. A door screeched open and hit the wall with a slam. Rei sucked in a deep breath. She did not want to hear any more sounds. Feet pounded from one stair to the next, and a hand pushed open the door to her room. On the floor, she fell to her knees, reaching down for the school bag she had tossed under her desk, its contents half on the floor.

It took a few hazy moments to notice her wallet. As she picked it up, it jangled with coins.

_Just in case. If someone’s alive…_

She slipped into her hoodie pocket, feeling it weigh down next to the emptiness of her stomach. Her other hand picked up her baseball bat.

_Just in case… just in case…_

_Nothing. I’m going away._

Just as she had crept down the stairs the first time, she crept down once more, on tip-toes, with hands holding on tight to the bannister. Her breaths hitched with each step. Each jangle of her wallet made her freeze up in alarm. Squeezing her eyes shut and her grip tight on her bat, she went on, inching and inching, powerless against the beat of her heart, and her tremble -

_Tap._

The bat knocked at the bannister. Rei’s heart leapt in her chest.

There were sounds. Faint little moans echoed out from the sliver of light between the bottom of door and the hallway.

Rei’s eyes squeezed shut, and she began to hum. Her hands longed to reach for her ears, but one hand was on the bannister, the other one tight on her bat. The hum was the best that she had - but with the sounds came awareness, came knowledge that her efforts were wasted, that she could run and shout as much as she wanted, because they were up and awake and the door was beginning to rattle - like knocking, like scratching -

A leap three steps down sent a shock through her legs. Her head spun for a second, before the clarity came back into her eyes.

_Get out, now! Come on, stupid, come on!_

She did not know what she was doing, but the voice in her head was shouting at her, telling her _run! get out of here! run!_ and she had no power against it - nothing, not even to fight back if the noise she was making ended up being too much, and the bat fell to the ground with a louder sound as she reached for the keys.

Her throat felt like rough stone, but she could not stop humming, not for a moment as the jangle of keys, metal on metal in fumbling hands, joined in with the cacophony of voices and sounds. One side of her skull was starting to pound. The hum on her tongue and between the rattle of teeth sent pain through her whole being. She was still hearing those sounds, moaning like ghouls in the darkness, and her hands almost dropped the keys to the ground, filmed with sweat and shaking like leaves in a storm that she could not stomach.

She gave one more twist, eyes shut and praying for luck. There was one last click of the lock. One more pull of the door handle - slipping the keys out, and into one pocket, then taking the bat back and shutting the door with a slam - and Rei met the air.

Behind her, the door slammed. She did not go back to lock it.

There was the street. The sky was as grey as she had glimpsed it from the strip of light in her room, and the street was painted those same, wilted shades. What few leaves on the ground were the colour of children’s crayons and sun, but Rei did not have time to look down. Her feet were already running, unstoppable, breaths heaving up and down in her chest as she found herself running, out of the small close surrounding her house, and around the corner, eyes wanting to shut still as she prepared herself for the images.

The vending machine was no longer standing. How it had fallen to the ground, Rei thought she could guess, but did not want to. The asphalt around it was dark, unwashed by the rain. Glass littered the road. Rei stopped, looking down. The bottles that had toppled out had either spilled or rolled into twenty directions. Which contents were still safe to drink - and how long they had been out of the machine - she did not know.

_Food. Hungry. Something…_

She turned away, even as her insides ached at the thought of leaving behind something that she could still use. There would be more up ahead. It would not matter. It won’t, and I’ll be all right, she thought, forcing the thought down like bitter medicine. Her stomach complained. One hand pushed her hair out of the way.

Rei gave a glance to one side, then the other. The coast seemed to be clear. There was no blood on the ground. If there had once been something there - and there had been the last time, she remembered as the sick feeling rose up in her throat and she swallowed it down - then it had been washed away by last week’s rain. For the first time in her life, she was thankful for the change in the weather.

Blood on the ground, hands reaching - something neither living nor dead, reaching out -

She took a deep breath and ran.

The street was as bare as the sky. White, grey, pale yellow somewhere; the road was still, without cars moving. Some were still parked in driveways. One, as she had glimpsed weeks ago, had crashed further down. The smoke would be long gone, but she did not want to find it.

What caught her eye was not the emptiness, but the lack of thereof.

There were bodies by the side of the road, and a figure amongst them. On shaking feet, fingers bent and crooked like claws, it stood hunched, heaving, shoulders taut and skin stretched tight over thin bones. It breathed. Slowly, it moved.

Rei gasped.

Its head turned on its neck, as if the bones there had snapped. Matted hair - almost seaweed on white speckled stone - trailed down past the jaw. Even wide paces away, Rei could see the red lines that ran through yellowing eyeballs. The hand that reached was missing nails, and its skintone - she tried to swallow - was mottled with the crack of dried blood.

Reflexes jolted. Rei screamed. Her feet ran. She did not know what she was doing; not least why her feet took her in the other direction of the street, and not back home, to the place she had called safe. The figure lumbered at her, unable to run, but still moving, still going.

The hand was straight out.

“No!”

Why she shouted, she did not know. It could not hear her. Why she was turning around to see it behind her, too, she could not make sense of either. It hurt her neck, and her body was weak. If she ran any more, she would collapse; it was too much to bear, too much for her arms to swing and her legs to beat against the ground, to keep the same pace, to even carry on breathing.

She had not run far when her body forced her to stop. Panting, screaming, she fell onto the glass of a bus shelter. The cold met her skin and surged through her veins. It was not broken. Her vision was breaking. It hurt her to stand, to even bear the weight of the bat in her hand. Her fingers wanted to drop it, and then for the rest of her to drop down alongside it.

_Death… please, I don’t know, please - I can’t live, I can’t breathe…_

She had not even made it to the convenience store. _Why did I leave? Why did I come out here?_

Desperately, she wished to go back; to tell herself to stay in the house, and to have ended it, there and then. She would have died without danger. It could have been quicker, more painless. All she had done was brought closer the moment of reckoning, and gifted herself suffering; to bleed out in the teeth and broken fingers and hands of something not human - that had once been, just like her parents -

“Holy shit…”

She was hearing strange voices.

_I’m dying. Marty. I’ll join you, won’t I?_

“I saw that! Come on!”

The voice came again. Rei felt nothing as she fell to the ground.

The sky was above her. It was pale and grey, just like the light from her window. Her head felt too heavy even to rest on the glass. Her eyes fluttered shut. She could hear groaning and shouting, one and the other. The voices grew louder; speaking words she could barely distinguish from each other, but there was more than one voice, and as she tried and failed to open her eyes one more time, she could make out blurred forms through the tears clouding her eyes.

“No, wait!”

_Voices. Someone out there. Someone is here._

“What are you doing?”

_Just let me die._

“Judai, go get her! Shou, bandages! Just in case! I’ll deal with that - ”

_What? Me? Why? I’m dead. I died, just now. I’m dying here, I know that I’m dying..._

Her head was swimming, as was what was left of her vision. A ton of pure leaden weight heaved on her chest, and her limbs would not move. She could hear the same voices, the sound of boots beating the floor, and somebody running, and screaming - somebody else - and the almost-too-rough feeling of someone shaking her shoulders.

_The angels are here._

Her vision gave out.


	2. Chapter 2

Death was wet.

The first thought stirred in the darkness, and shifted another with it as it went. Something was wet, and it was dark. Something else was there, and it it was wet on her - on her skin. It was a taste she remembered; not sweet but not bitter, the cold of it a little painful, but not as much as the tangle of rope coiling inside her belly, terribly empty. Something prodded gently on the edge of her lip, and the intensity grew. As did another feeling, at the back of her head, but that was another sensation, one that made her think of a hand.

Her body gave a shiver, and she felt the coldness trickling from her lip to her chin.

_Water._

Her eyes would not open - could not, could not open yet, but her lip could move, and she could still feel whatever touched her. The coolness that was touching her lips was something solid, ridges zigzagging up and down on the surface she felt on her lip. _Plastic? A bottle?_

A little of the water went the wrong way, and she found herself coughing. Water splashed back up from her throat, the warmer taste of it as it came down so unpleasant she had to shake her head and try not to shudder too much. The hand below her was aware. She felt it move down, then across, until what felt like an arm was holding her, shoulder to shoulder where the hand had settled upon her, the feeling of breaths a little hot on her skin.

 _Breathing. Who - me? Somebody else? One of_ them?

 _Yes,_ Rei thought, flopping into the arm in defeat. _It’s going to eat me._

What it looked like, she could not tell with her eyes shut. There was only the breaths, and the scent of that breath that she could not quite pick up on, and the firm, gently-shuddering hand on her shoulder. Her lower half still lay on the floor. It was cold.

Pinpricks of light stabbed into her eyes.

_No. I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to see it…_

Whatever small gap there had been between her eyelids, the light had come in and started to pry them open, and had she the strength, Rei knew she would have punched out that light. She was going to sleep - sleep forever, just like the voice in her head had made her wonder the morning before, or that very morning, or some morning she could not put a date to. Time did not feel real. She could not open her eyes. She could hear breaths, but not the tick of a clock.

“Shit. I think she’s…”

She had misheard. A voice had sounded out through the air, but it could not have been a voice. Voices were human. She was about to be eaten. She wanted to die. She wanted to wreck the pale yellow light that had beamed in between the mess of her eyelashes, that fought to open her eyes, but she did not want to, all at the same time - she did not want to think, or to see it, to see what she knew was a monster with human hands, breathing in front of her -

“She’s awake. Guys, come here… no, wait…”

 _I’m still alive_.

Struggling through the light piercing her eyes, she forced them to open. Her vision wobbled. Particles diffused and came together again. In her eyes was a fuzz. Only slowly was it beginning to clear. Her head ached, but she could still turn it. Spots and clusters of light became a bright window. There were lights on the ceiling, hanging down, looming, as though the cables would snap any moment.

Instinct told her to move, but her body did not. Above, they were still.

The warmest thing, up against her, was the phantom hand and the figure she began to make out in the mess of her vision. It turned back to face her, and Rei made out the face of a boy, older than her, mouth just open with surprise and concern. Parts of his hair - a muddy-brown mess - fell past his chin.

The hand at her back trembled with him, and she recognised it as his.

“Hey.” His lips moved. Rei recognised his to be the voice she had been hearing. “Hey. Sorry about that. Are you OK?”

For a second, he hesitated, and chimed back before Rei could say anything. “Well, I know that’s not the best question to be asking right now, but… are you hurt anywhere?”

Rei’s throat ached; not as horribly as she realised her empty stomach was aching, but she could barely speak all the same. Her back felt stiff, her fingers numb. Her head was filled with screaming and echoes.

She shook her head.

“…No,” she managed to croak.

“Well, we’re here if you need anything,” the boy said, turning around. “Hey, guys? She’s definitely awake.”

It was hard for Rei to move her head and look up. Her neck felt too stiff, her head that bit too heavy, even with the boy holding her up. His chest, clad in a coat and dark sweater, was in the way of whatever he had been looking towards, but she did not need to turn, or to stand up. Almost immediately, she heard footsteps beating the ground. The fast beats of a run turned into slow, careful steps.

Two more strangers kneeled down on one side of the boy. Rei turned to face them.

“Is she hurt?” One of the two - a blonde girl with a long, trailing ponytail - leaned in a little, an outstretched hand hovering around Rei’s leg, and the side of her that still lay on the ground.

“She says she’s fine.”

“Did you check her?”

“No,” the boy shook his head. “I’m not touching her.”

“I - I know, but what if there’s a bite?” The second stranger chimed in with a shiver. A quivering hand played with a sky-coloured lock of hair, lost in the thick mess of the waterfall that spilled out from under a red beanie hat.

 _Another girl,_ Rei thought.

“If there’s a bite she’d have reacted already,” the blonde girl said. Her hand came to rest on her companion’s shoulder. “I don’t think it got her. There’s no blood. There was only one of them, anyway.”

Rei thought back to the sight of the face and the warp of its neck. She gave a shudder.

The boy holding her clearly noticed. The arm holding her moved down, slowly but carefully, until she met something soft on the ground. She shivered at the feeling, turning immediately. What was below her was only thick fabric; some kind of hoodie, she realised, rolled up in a lump, and not what she had first feared.

 _It could have been,_ she thought, deep in the back of her head. _It could have been something worse…_

“Rest up,” the blonde girl said. “And don’t worry about any of us. We’re not going to touch you if you don’t want to be touched.”

“But what if they got her? What if she got bitten?”

“Shou, it’s all right,” the girl hushed. “She’s safe.”

Her hand patted down on Shou’s shoulder again, and the pale-haired girl gave a sigh, only-half convinced as she shuffled back slightly, head down and eyes wide, yet unwilling to meet Rei’s gaze.

Rei said nothing.

The voice of the brown-haired boy interrupted her thoughts. “Still,” he said with a sigh, turning to the girl with the ponytail, “you’re better at this kind of thing. You mind checking her over if she’s OK?”

The blonde girl turned back to Rei, letting Shou go. She gave a nod, and he turned back to look down at Rei, who had leaned back on the lump that was the hoodie on the cold of the ground.

“Sorry,” the boy said. “Shou kind of gets anxious sometimes. It’s fine. Don’t worry about him.”

_Him? So he’s… not a girl?_

Rei turned back to the smaller… _boy,_ she realised, seeing him turn away, one hand still tugging at the tips of his hair. If it had been her vision, or something about him, then she had not realised. Cringing, she felt her face flush with embarrassment.

“We brought you in here,” he continued. “You fainted outside. I don’t know if you feel kind of rough. If you are, then it’s all right. Rest up. We’ll look after you. What’s your name?”

“…Rei,” she mumbled.

“All right,” the blonde girl said back. “We’ll stay with you. I’m Asuka. That’s Shou - sorry about him - and that’s Judai.”

The boy with the mess of brown hair looked up upon hearing his name, as if expecting something. Glancing around, it did not take him long to look back at her.

Rei gave a sigh.

She had names, but not much sense of the place. As odd as it felt to be as she was, resting on a cold, stony floor and on top of a rolled-up hoodie, still in her old clothes with her wallet pressing down in the same pocket - they didn’t steal it, she realised - she did not know if she wanted the help. It was too cold - and as she looked around the room, she no longer wondered why. The room she was in looked like some sort of grey-shaded storage room. Metal and stone surrounded her on all sides. The slit-windows above were small, but still let in white strips of light that cut up the floor into chunks.

She tried to speak out again, but her throat had forgotten the sounds. They came out hoarse and half-broken. “Where… are we?”

“Near where we found you. The store. This is the back,” Asuka said.

She could remember it, suddenly. She had never been in the back of the convenience store, but what was on her mind was the horror of what she had put herself into the moment she decided to run from her house. She saw the flash of the street in her eyes; the vending machine, broken glass on the ground and bottles of water tumbled out all over the street…

Her stomach groaned. Asuka’s eyes widened.

“I… I’m OK,” she lied.

“When’s the last time you ate?”

It took her a few moments to think. “Three… days?”

Three days before she had run had been the day of the last bowl of ramen. A week before that had been the last of hers and Marty’s hidden snacks, buried under her bed. Those days, she remembered, she had thought of drowning herself in her parents’ terrible coffee, both to dull out the terrible feeling of hunger she had felt in the night and the little voice in the back of her head, telling her to give up, and to find some place to herself, and to die.

Asuka shook her head, a look of something like guilt flashing into her eyes. “Oh, God. Don’t worry. We’ll get you something.”

Part of Rei was screaming at her, telling her to say _no_ \- that she could not inconvenience these strangers. and that only earlier that day she had decided to die, and that it was no use holding it off. The dead were already everywhere, taking over, inside and out. It would be less of a struggle to join them, the little voice said. At some point, there would be no hunger.

_At worst - I will be, but then, it won’t really be me, because I won’t be human…_

“Is there… anything?”

Her voice came as a croak. Even with the little beckoning voice deep inside, she could not stop herself speaking her mind, or whatever the emptiness in her stomach was now demanding.

“We’ve got enough. This place was stocked up,” Asuka said with a sigh. “I’ll stay with her. Shou, Judai, can you two go get something for her? Is there anything you want? Rei?”

“Um… no… I don’t mind…”

“All right. You two get her something. Fish? You all right with that kind of thing? Biscuits?”

“Yes. That’s… yes, please.”

“Got it,” Judai nodded, standing up and waiting for Shou to follow. Rei turned to one side, watching Shou sling a small bag over his shoulder, before following Judai out of the room. The wide door flew open and closed, and the two boys were gone, footsteps ringing out through the ground, but growing quieter as they drew away, out of the safety of the grey room.

As soon as their sounds had quietened, Asuka stood up.

For a moment, Rei felt her heart beat that little bit faster. Was she going to leave her? Had something happened? Was there some kind of noise that had tipped Asuka off that she had not heard, either half-deaf or half-dead from hunger, and most likely hallucinating?

The grim feeling lingered as she watched Asuka walk over to one of the corners, then reach down. Something small and dark had been left there - but what it was, Rei could not see, not clearly; not with the bad light and the tired ache behind her eyes, beginning to pound again like a heartbeat in the back of her skull.

Her eyes squeezed shut, teeth gritted through the pain of an oncoming headache. All of her - empty, full, in-between, dead and alive - felt weak and hollow.

 _There’s food here,_ she reminded herself. _They said they’d get me something… anything. I don’t want to die…_

For once, it felt stranger to think that than think of oncoming death.

By the time she opened her eyes, Asuka was by her side once again. There was a black bag on her shoulder, the same size as her school bag, and she put it down with a soft thump, before coming down to her knees herself. Reaching down and unzipping it, Asuka dug around, before carefully taking out a small roll of bandages.

“Here,” she said. “Are you sure you aren’t wounded?”

Rei shook her head. It was still aching. “No.”

“Headache?”

How Asuka had been able to tell - from the look on her face, or something else, Rei did not know, and it startled her a little. The sight of something silvery in her hands made her heart leap, fearing the worst - until she looked closer, past the haze of her vision, and saw that it was nothing more than the packaging for what looked to be some kind of tablets or pills.

“You can take one if you want,” she offered. “I’ve got water in here.”

Her point was proven as she put down a small bottle next to her. Rei reached for it, and the tablets in Asuka’s hand, almost driven by instinct. It was not a lie, she realised, reading the packaging. _Painkillers._

Her hands would not stay still. Her throat needed the comfort, and her head an ounce of sanity. As much as Judai had tried to give her water when she was half-conscious, it had not been much, and her tongue was already dry and uncomfortable. Her hands, though they were weak, managed to reach for it and unscrew the cap, before she held it aloft, freezing in place.

Rei gulped. “Is this safe?”

It felt a little odd, to be doubting bottled water when she had become used to drinking from a tap for the past twenty-seven days, not knowing if anything lurked in the pipes - but the bottle was already half-empty, and who had drank from it, she was not certain.

“It’s safe, don’t worry. I’ll drink first if you’re not convinced.”

“No, it’s all right. Th-thank you.”

She did not have time to wait any longer. Rei popped out one of the pills and swallowed it down. Never had she been more thankful for what had to be clean and safe water, and how cool and pleasant it felt on her tongue. Her stomach complained; it was still empty, but for the moments when only the water was enough to make her feel that little bit calmer, Rei let herself relax.

It was still cold. She was in an unfamiliar place - or a familiar one, she recalled, thinking back to wandering the aisles of the same convenience store, only weeks ago - and the people she had met were no more than strangers. She had been alone, empty-bellied, with blood behind the door and family lost in her memories, and at the very least, now, she had something. That something - a bottle of water, the promise of food - was not much, but it was light to her in the dull grey tones of the room, bright as a promise in Asuka’s eyes as she watched, her own expression that little bit calmer.

She did not realise she had drained the bottle until nothing was left.

“Sorry,” she shirked away, putting it down. “I - I mean…”

Asuka shook her head, picking up the now-empty bottle and screwing its lid back on. “It’s all right. You were in a pretty bad state. If you need any more, we can get some.”

“I don’t know,” Rei admitted. “Can you?”

“We can. We’ve got the whole place to ourselves.”

Rei’s eyes widened. “Do you three live here?”

“No. We only stopped by,” Asuka sighed, putting the empty bottle out to one side, closing her bag. “We’ve been moving around. To see if anyone else is out there.”

Rei understood, swallowing down the fear in her stomach. She had stopped looking out of the window a week ago. The weeks before then had been empty - terribly empty, save for lumbering shadows peering out from behind the houses, that she had seen in her nightmares. Nobody in her phone had picked up. The signal had died halfway through the first week.

Nobody left messages. Her internet had gone out shortly after.

“We didn’t expect to find you. It was just us three for a while. How did…” Her gaze drifted up, then back down, back to look straight at Rei’s dry, weary eyes. “How did you survive?”

Rei held her tongue for a moment, trying to put words together. “I… I stayed. I stayed at my house. I just left today. I was going to go back.”

“Were you alone in the house?”

“…No. Not really,” she confessed, shaking her head. “There were my parents. And my step-brother.”

“And… did you head outside on your own?”

“Yes.”

“Are the rest of your family still there? At your house?”

“Yes.”

Asuka stopped. For a few moments, her gaze shifted, up and down and away from Rei, before coming back. Slowly, she leaned in, and when she spoke up, her voice had dulled down into a whisper.

“Rei.” She paused, breathing in. “Did they…?”

She did not need to finish the sentence. Rei understood, and she braced herself, shivering as a feeling of cold shocked its way down her spine.

Silently, she gave a nod.

“Oh, _God…”_

“Hey, we’re back!”

Rei had no time to say anything else before she and Asuka were interrupted. Judai and Shou were back, and no different than before, she realised with a sigh. Neither one was limping or bleeding. Shou’s hat was still perched on his head. The same bag was still on one shoulder, something bright held tight in his arms.

“That’s good,” Asuka breathed out a sigh of relief. “No sign of anything out there?”

“No. All clear, door’s locked,” Judai replied. “Brought some snacks. Here,” he said, tossing a small packet at Rei. It landed on the floor with a crinkle, and Rei scrambled for it, instincts unstoppable. “Thought you’d like some of those pastries. We’ve got other stuff, if you want…”

The thought of eating blocked everything else out around her.

Her hands would not stay steady as they reached for the packet, tearing it open. Her teeth sank into the pastry, not caring that she was tasting foil amongst butter and fluff. It was not fresh, and it would not be hot, like the pastries she had snacked on with Marty on the way home from school. but it was food, and her stomach demanded it. Eyes shut with desperation, she devoured the treat like a starved animal, not caring how many flakes ended up on her lap, or if her chin would end up covered in chocolate.

A small, weak smile came to her lips. She could not begin to describe her relief.

“If you’re still hungry, we have other stuff,” Judai said. “I mean, it’s nothing special, but there’s fish, and snacks, and pretty much anything else in a can.”

Rei tried to reply between bites. “If… if that’s fine…”

“Of course it is. You last ate three days ago. That’s rough, especially for someone like…” Asuka hesitated for a second, before realising that she had not asked her everything. “Hold on. Rei, how old are you?”

The pastry was gone now, flakes and crumbs the only remainders, spilled like sawdust down the red of Rei’s hoodie. She looked up, seeing a small tin in Asuka’s hands - and further up, a pair of concerned eyes, looking straight back, awaiting an answer.

“I’m thirteen,” she mumbled.

There was a pause. Rei saw Asuka’s eyes widen for a moment, as she looked left and right, and swallowed what had to be some kind of fear hiding deep in her gut. “Oh, God,” she said, shaking her head as she touched her forehead with her palm.

“What’s wrong?” Rei asked.

“Nothing,” Asuka said, shaking her head. “It’s just… it’s rough. And… and you’re just a child.”

“I’m not."

“Compared to us, you are. And if… if what any of us has gone through has been… and you… oh, my God…”

“Why? How old are you?”

Rei hoped that Asuka would not shout at her for asking. She already looked shaken. Her stepmother had told her once to never ask a lady her age, with a sly look in her eyes. She could hear that voice still; faint, but echoing, in the back of her head, so far back it had almost left from her memories, just like her birth mother herself. Her father she knew far more, and far better; and time had passed, and she had grown to care for her stepmother, and Marty, the boy who had come into the house and with whom she had spent time with…

No, she thought, pushing aside the thoughts and the voices. They’re gone, they’re finished, they -

_They’re hurting, I know they are…_

“Rei?”

Asuka’s voice penetrated through the haze of her memories. Rei shook her head. “I’m fine,” she lied through her teeth. “But… how old are you?”

Asuka sighed. “Seventeen.”

“I - I’m eighteen,” Shou mumbled, peering at her from just behind Judai. “He’s eighteen as well.”

Even though she had expected the numbers, hearing it said out loud still left Rei startled. They were older than her - all of them, even Shou, who she had pinpointed to be around her age after finding out he was male. She thought of questioning him, but decided not to. If he did not look his age, he could at least act it, and the way Judai and Asuka seemed to look at him was not the way they were now looking at her. It was hard to describe what she saw in their eyes.

 _I’m thirteen,_ she thought, lifting her shoulders _. I’m not a child, not really, am I?_

“I’m not a child, though,” she said, a little louder.

She looked straight on, waiting for protest. It never came. All she saw was Asuka biting her lip and anxiously looking down, chest heaving with the heaviness of a sigh.

“Still,” Asuka breathed out, pushing the mess of her fringe, damp with sweat and most likely other things she did not want to think about. “Still, Rei. You’re… you’re not exactly a grown-up.”

“I know.”

“I… I just… I just can’t believe this. Everything.”

“Can’t believe what?” Rei already knew the answer, and it was not her age. She swallowed down the familiar taste in her throat that told her that if she thought any more of the past, she would throw up.

Marty’s old smile flashed once in her vision.

“That you’re thirteen. And you’ve stayed alive. And that… everything’s happened…”

Rei did not have time to get out of the way before she was pulled into a hug. She did not try to fight, in fact; her body refused to; she was still aching in places, and her stomach was not yet full. More than anything, the hug that enclosed her was warm. Asuka’s hands, a little larger and thinner than hers, caressed her shoulders.

It took a few moments to realise that Asuka was sniffing.

She spoke with a shake, clearly fighting to stop tears. Her hands felt desperate. She clung to her as if clinging to life itself, and not the body of a girl far weaker, smaller and stranger than her.

“I know it’s not much, but you’re a child in our eyes,” she whispered. Rei pulled back for an instant and saw the damp in her eyes. “We’ll look after you. I promise. OK?”

Rei did not know if she could accept it. By their side, the two boys had come to kneel and shuffled closer. Shou was about to lean in to lend a hand, but backed off, seeing the faint movement of Asuka shaking her head.

“It’s all right. I’m sorry.” Asuka said, and Shou edged back. She turned back to Rei, and softly whispered, fingers unwrapping themselves from her shoulders. “I know. I know it’s not much. We don’t have a lot, and… we’re not really adults ourselves, but… we’ll try. We’ve come so far, Rei. We’ll stay with you. We’ll be all right.”

This time, she really was crying. Her hands came back to her side.

She thought back to the groaning, and the ominous sounds she had heard through the gap between the floor and living room door, and almost fell down again.

“Rei?”

It was Shou that responded first this time, seeing her falter. He reached out, quickly grabbing her shoulder, and it was only then that Rei realised just how small he was; for a boy of eighteen, it was odd that he was only a finger’s width taller than her.

“Rei? What’s wrong?” He panicked for a moment, before turning to Judai. “Judai, do you have the rest of the snacks?”

“I’m all right,” Rei said. She shook her head, knowing she was telling a lie.

“I’m sorry. If you’re still not feeling well, then stay down. We’ll bring you whatever you need, just don’t make yourself worse. Stay with us…”

It was not the emptiness of the past three days; not really. She would feel better if she ate something else, but all it would fill was the empty, dead feeling in her belly. What hurt more - more than anything, was terrible memories, ones that Rei felt coming back. They were her thoughts - the ones she had slept with and tried to push aside when she forced herself out of bed - but ones that would not cease. They were doubts, little doubts, but powerful ones.

She could see her parents again - but she heard their groans and wails, too, and she had glimpsed red through the keyhole. She had seen the yarn tied around the door handle and the hook shake. The door had not been still. There had been movement.

They were hurting, Rei knew. Marty was dead, and her parents were hurting - and that same little voice in her head was talking to her, telling her to go back, and to at least get what she needed if she was to go with the three she had met.

She had to say goodbye.

“No.”

_…but they’re in pain._

_They’re in pain._

“I want to go back.”

Her head drooped down as she stood. She did not see eyes widen, nor did she see shivers, but she felt them - she knew they were there, just like she felt her own at the mention.

“Rei?” Shou gasped. “What do you mean? Go back where? Asuka?”

The older girl took the reins. “Go back? Do you mean, go back home?”

“…Yes. My parents are there.”

_They’re in pain. They’re hurting. They killed Marty, and I let him die. I can’t see him again. They’re in pain. They’re in pain…_

“Wait, she has parents? Someone else is alive?” Judai exclaimed.

Immediately, Asuka shook her head, and her arms, shushing both of the others immediately.

“No. She had them at home,” she said. When his expression did not change, she raised her voice. “You know, you know what happened!”

She said it far louder, almost snapping into a scream. Rei winced, no longer thinking of Asuka, but of home, of her parents. The harm had already been done. It was too late. The visions were back in her head, dancing and dancing.

The realisation came slowly. When it finally did, she heard Judai’s voice turn into a mumble, and as she looked back up for a second, she saw him with his forehead in one hand, shaking his head as he realised.

“Oh. Oh, God. _Shit…”_

“Judai - “

“Rei, God. We’re so sorry,” he insisted, and Rei almost felt sorry for him. He had not meant to, she knew - he did not seem like a bad kind of person, and he had sheltered her, and he had not known the truth, and what Asuka had meant. It was too late for him to hold back. She was already thinking, and the thoughts would not stop plaguing her head.

“They’re hurting,” she repeated. “I know. Please. They are.”

“Rei?” Shou chimed in, the same alarmed look in his eyes.

It was too far to stop. She could not stop the words on her mind spilling out from her lips, even if it hurt with each little thing that she said. “They’re hurting. They’re not human, but… they’re _hurting._ I know they’re hurting. I have to go back.”

“Hurting?”

“They… they did things,” she spat, shaking her head. “To Marty.”

“Marty?”

“He thought he could help them… It was my fault, he died because of me. My parents. And, I… I messed up… they…”

Her throat was freezing up. The words felt harder and harder to say, until she was almost choking on them, and her feelings. Her vision blurred and refocused through the fluid mess of a teardrop. If fell. The salt water stung her cheek, dipping into her pores and running through like a shock - like crying was hurting, not just her chest and mouth but all of her, all at once, like fire and electricity, and something else too terrible, too much to bear.

She did not jerk out of Asuka’s reach when the older girl grabbed her and hugged her, so tightly she knew fighting was useless. Her head fell onto her shoulder, not noticing if tears got onto her coat. Asuka did not shrug her off. Her hand - still sleek, still firm even through her own shaking, dipped back into her tangle of hair.

“Oh my God. Oh, come here…” Asuka murmured into her locks, gentle hand carding through. Rei felt her chest seize as she wept. She could feel the weight of Judai and Shou’s stares on the back of her head, and it only made her face burn hotter and wilder. The little voice in her head grew that little bit louder.

_Why didn’t I die?_

Speaking came only with coughing, only with spitting. “I just… they’re my parents… I can’t… I can’t leave them, I can’t. I want to go back…”

Why she wanted to, so badly it was making her cry, not even she understood. It was something coming deep from within: something as much a part of her as her skin and hair and the blood in her veins. In the back of her mind, her father was picking her up, and she was five years old again, laughing at the feel of his tickling hands. Her stepmother’s dresses were as light as the perfume she wore, and her hands were gentle and kind, to both her and Marty, even after she had found their secret stash of chocolate under her bed, and shook her head at the sight.

Marty - timid, shy, smiling Marty - was dead. His voice still rang in Rei’s ears.

She did not expect Judai to speak up. When he did, his voice was no more stable than hers. His gaze was unstable; switching between her, Asuka as she looked back, and Shou by their side, eyes wide and uncertain with the same kind of terror.

“Rei, listen,” he hesitated, clearing his throat. “If you want, we could go back. With you. If it helps.”

 _Go back? Yes. I want to go back,_ Rei thought in desperation. “Please. Let me go.”

“We’ll go with you. Asuka?”

Asuka gave a nod, turning back as her hands loosened around Rei’s trembling body.

Rei shook her head. “I want to see them. I don’t want them… I don’t want to…”

“We’ll come with you. Do you want us to?”

“…Yes.”

She did not mind. If they came home with her, they would take her back in their line of sight. She would not be alone. She would come home, and find a place to rest there; but she would be safe, and not alone, just for a few minutes before they would leave her alone. She would come home and tidy her room. Then, Rei decided - she was going to die.

 _That’s good. Please. No more,_ the little voice said. Rei went along with it. What she had lost would not come back. There was no use. She could not stay here, or there, or anywhere else. If she had struggled so badly just to get food, and almost died out on the streets, all alone, then such was the sign. She needed to die. There was no point in fighting.

“Is it far?” Judai asked, leaning in.

“N-no,” she whimpered. “Five minutes.”

“All right. We’ll come with you. You eat something else first, if you want. We’ll head out then, OK?”

Her stomach was not yet full, not with only the pastry. _But I’m going to die,_ she said to herself. _What use would it be?_

She shook her head. “I’m not hungry.”

If Judai caught onto the lie, then he did not notice. “Well, if you’re sure,” he said, sighing and heaving himself up. “You guys, you going to be long?”

“Not long,” Asuka replied. “Shou? You want to go get _the thing?”_

Before Rei could ask what _the thing_ meant, Shou had already nodded and started to run. Hair leaping like a small river under his hat, he ran over to one of the corners of the grey room, and with a dreadful scraping noise on the ground, picked something up - something Rei had not noticed in the room at the start. It was only when he brought it over, heaving a little, that she made out the shape of an old, fairly worn shovel, silver faded to grey and dappled with rust on the edges.

Her eyes widened a score, Shou saw the sight in her eyes. “Just in case,” he said, trying to look less at Rei and more at Asuka, next to her, as her hands unwound from Rei’s body and the older girl heaved herself up with a grunt. Her hand reached out to help Rei stand up herself, and she took it. She took a breath in, and heaved.

Slowly, reluctantly against the weakness of her own body, Rei followed Asuka up. Pushing herself off the ground with one hand - properly, for the first time since she had collapsed against the bus shelter, she gritted her teeth against her exhaustion, and everything else: against the little voice that would not shut up in the back of her mind, against the fear she had felt, and felt still. She fought, and she had to fight, against all that she thought of as she opened her eyes to wake up, against the sickness that she had grown used to feeling for the past twenty-seven days of walking down the stairs in her house.

By the time she was up and steady, back on her feet, Judai had already slung his bag over his shoulder. Shou followed suit, his own small bag on his back. The shovel was almost too large in his grasp.

“Judai?” Asuka prompted, taking the medicine bag for herself. “Everything clear out?”

The boy was already by the door. Easing it open as he had when he and Shou had gone to get food, he peered out. His head turned, left and right.

“Yeah.”

“Lead on?”

He took the lead, as Asuka had commanded. Shou held the door open as Asuka went through, and then Rei, somewhat nervously. There was only a little more light in the store, she saw as she followed Judai out of the back and into the aisles.

The smell of rot assaulted her nostrils. Wincing, she went on, trying not to look past the aisles or the cartons and bottles tossed and thrown about on all sides. Whatever had once been fresh was now long gone. Glimpsing more of what she had tasted, her stomach longed for another one of the foil-wrapped pastries.

 _Maybe some ramen -_ no, she shook her head, focusing on the door and the brighter light of outside that was ahead. She had no time.

Asuka ran a few steps ahead, and before Rei could ask why, she stopped by the door. It did not open. Switched off, she realised - and then, she saw Asuka’s hands messing with some sort of device by the side, or what had to be the lock.

The doors opened after a few seconds. Wind blew in from outside. Rei took a breath in.

The air of autumn was cold; far cooler than she had remembered, but her memories of running out of the house had grown fuzzy at best. She did not want to think about it. What had happened that morning, or the day before, or three days in the past, she could not tell, and she did not want to.

_My parents are waiting._

That was the thought pushing her on, even as Judai told her to stop while the other two in the group caught up, and they clustered together. Asuka took the back, and Shou took the side. Carefully, they stopped by each lamp-post and wall, peering out and over. The coast was clear, but something about it, each time they checked, was unnerving. It was the fear, and the wind as it blew, that left Rei shivering, even in the thick layers of her shirt and oversized hoodie. The sound of the shovel - maybe a little too heavy for Shou, but probably too heavy for her if she was to carry it - made her jump as it hit metal or asphalt every few moments, gritting her teeth with each shock of anxiety.

“Which way?” Judai would ask her, every few minutes. She would point it out, without saying much back.

The streets and the roads were ones that she knew - but their emptiness, the cold and the grey, was somehow spine-chilling. She did not feel safe. She was surrounded - by three others, all older, one with a shovel heavy enough to probably kill - but the silence was also around her, cloaking and dead. The sky was white. The ground behind and in front was a hard, stony grey, as were all of the clouds.

“That way,” she said, a little louder, on the last turn before they came to the vending machine, as battered as it had been the last time Rei had run past it. Bottles still lay on the ground.

Rei’s stomach twisted and turned at the sights around her. They were familiar sights. She did not want to remember. She did not want to think. There was nothing to live for.

_I’m going home, aren’t I?_

“Home.”

It was the only word she could say as they stopped at the house she had pointed at. Her hand was stiff from the pointing, and the muscles ached as she put it down.

“This one?”

“Yes. This one.”

There was an awkward silence. Nobody knew what to say. Rei thought of asking the others to leave: she could be alone now, if she just opened the door and went back inside.

Judai took a few steps ahead. His head turned, as if scanning the area, and she heard him breathe in, taking in the smells of the air. It did not smell like blood.

“Keys,” Judai mumbled.

Shou turned around, but Rei had not heard. She stared, for a moment, eyes wanting to shut and legs on the edge of surrender. Asuka prompted again, and she snapped out of the trance. “Rei? Do you have the keys?”

“Yes,” she hesitated. One hand crept into her pocket, and she pulled them out with a jangle, but she stopped as she realised. “Wait. I didn’t lock the door… I don’t think…”

It was hard enough to remember anything beyond the time she had woken up in the grey room with the others around her. Her belly had been empty, and she had been exhausted - tired out and probably crazy from the things she had experienced, and not being able to sleep. Her headache had started to ease after taking Asuka’s painkillers, but was not yet completely gone. Something still ached.

She stepped ahead, hands ready to open the door - but did not expect a strong, steady arm to stop her.

“We’ll go in first,” Judai said. “You said your parents are there, right?”

“Y-yes,” Rei nodded. “In the living room. I locked it.”

“You locked them in there?”

“Yes.”

“Phew. Good thing they can’t work locks out. You mind?”

Rei understood, and handed over the keys. There was something unpleasant about losing the cool metal touch in her hands. The jangle they gave was almost sorrowful.

She heard Judai take a breath in as he pushed down the door handle. What followed was silence. There was a pause. Nobody - none of the four, not even Judai, hand stuck to the door handle with sweat - moved a muscle. Rei heard him breathing, deeper and louder.

She hated the silence.

“…I think we’re fine,” Judai finally said. His voice was much quieter than it had been. He looked back over his shoulder, and Rei glimpsed the odd flash of fear in the rich dark of his eyes.

“Sure?” Shou whispered. By Rei’s side, Asuka braced herself for the worst.

“…I think.”

Carefully, Judai stepped into the house. He did not take off his shoes. Rei thought of her stepmother, shaking her head - but remembered, she would not be shaking her head now. Her stepmother was locked in the living room, along with Rei’s father, and whatever was left of him, of the person she had let die -

 _No,_ she swallowed. _Please. I don’t want to remember. Please, Marty…_

In silence, she followed the others.

The corridor was no different from how it had been. It was still eerily quiet. Coats still hung by the side of the door, each one on its own separate hook. On the other side hung her family’s keys. Her own peg was empty, but even looking at it made her wish she had her keys back. Her hands longed to keep hold of them, or of something else that she did not have, and not quite thinking, she grabbed onto Asuka’s coat.

The girl jerked, turning around. Rei could feel her heart race for a moment, before she saw her clinging, and let out a sigh.

“Rei, you scared me…”

“Sorry,” she mouthed. She did not dare speak. Her eyes were back on the door, where her mother’s knitting yarn had been tangled around the door handle and the hook on the wall.

It shook for an instant, along with a faint bang from the other side of the door.

“Shit…”

She heard Judai curse. Her feet told her to step back, and she did, reflexes firing and tugging Asuka along.

“They’re… still alive…”

Rei gave a faint nod. “I know.”

It did not feel right to call them ‘alive’; not in the state she had seen them in, just for a moment. They were no more than another monster of the kind she had seen roaming outside. They were not human, not anymore, and she knew that. The voices on the television, the radio - everything, everything had told her they were human, but some part of her did not think humans could eat other humans, or look at her with dead eyes and reach, nails and hands cracking and smothered with blood.

_They’re hurting. They’re hurting._

_They’re human._

_They’re not._

_They’re human._

_They’re not._

_They’re…_

“Rei?”

She did not realise she had started to gasp until Asuka’s hand reached out for her. There was concern in her voice.

“They’re… they’re suffering,” Rei said, out loud this time. “I don’t know. I don’t know.”

“What don’t you know?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know if they’re human…”

Asuka took a breath in, her hand coming to rest on Rei’s shoulder. Gently, she pushed her away, back towards the door, while her free hand made some kind of gesture to Shou. The boy in the hat only gave a small nod. Leaning in, she saw him whisper something to Judai. She did not hear what it was.

She heard Judai put his bag down. The clatter of the shovel followed, as Shou laid it to rest by the wall.

“…Rei. I… I’m sorry,” Asuka said. Her voice cracked halfway through. Words were coming, but what she wanted to say was still on her tongue, frozen and bitter like pepper and ice. Rei could feel the sick feeling she had felt so many times rise in the back of her throat. She swallowed it down. She had to stay sane, she thought, and forced the thought down as she looked up, trying to meet Asuka’s gaze.

Her eyes were starting to water.

“I’m sorry.”

“They’re hurting, aren’t they?”

“Listen.” Asuka’s voice quietened. She dipped her head down, almost coming to whisper into Rei’s ear. “We… we don’t break into houses. We can’t. It’s dangerous. But if you want, we can… we can end things.”

“What do you mean?”

“…We can stop them being in pain. If it helps.”

“But you can’t bring them back. You can’t stop the - “

Rei’s eyes widened. _No_ , she thought, realising. _No. They don’t mean -_

She looked past, and in Judai’s hands, she saw the silver thread of the edge of a knife. The yarn on the door handle fell to the ground. Shou picked it up and pocketed it, at the same time digging in to Judai’s now-open bag.

Asuka’s hand rested still on Rei’s shoulder. Her voice was serious now; not quite stern, but far heavier, not so much with strictness as it was with grief and slight terror. “Rei, I know. I know. We can’t bring them back. But if you think they’re suffering, then… then it might be better to end things.”

“…I know,” Rei said back, looking down. “I know.”

“Rei, I’m really sorry about this.” Asuka said, biting her lip. She turned back. “Judai, can you and Shou deal with this? I’ll stay with her.”

Her eyes were between shock and anger - but they were pleading, desperately pleading.

“…Yeah,” Judai replied, after a moment of silence. The knife in his hand was clutched tighter. “We’ll be all right.”

He turned around, and Shou followed. Asuka took a step back.

Her hands reached out, taking hold of Rei’s shoulders. Eyes met eyes. “Now might not be the best time to say this, but… it’s best that you come with us after all of this. We’ll deal with things. Being alone right now just isn’t safe.”

“But…”

“I’m sorry,” she said. Her eyes turned to glass for an instant. Rei understood. “Any other time, I would have said that if you didn’t want to come with us, then you wouldn’t have to.”

Asuka’s hand rested in place, just pressing down. It was pleasant, strangely so, as much as something Rei could describe in that instant with watering eyes,visions of blood playing like broken records in all parts of her head. It played on, she winced, hearing the same terrible sounds, and the same absolute silence.

Rei quivered, shuddering in her grip. As if she had read her mind, one of Asuka’s hands lifted itself from her shoulder, and nestled gently in her hair.

“Any other time. But it’s just not safe,” she repeated.

_Not safe. Not safe._

In the corner of her eye, she saw Judai unwrap a shirt from his bag. Kitchen-knife silver shone in the sun. In silence, Shou gave a nod.

_I know. I know. I don’t want to. I don’t want them to - but at least, that way, they won’t suffer. They can’t go back…_

This time, the tears fell.

They were bitter and salty, and stung, far more than the ache in her belly. Her whole body jerked into Asuka’s hold, shivering and heaving in the midst of harsh sobs. She could not stay steady like this. Her eyes shut, blacking out past the tears. Every part of her ached, from her back, remembering the cold glass of the bus shelter and the rough of the asphalt, to her chest, heaving with broken, rough breaths.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

She knew what it meant.

“I’m sorry, Rei. They can’t be brought back.”

“I know,” she mumbled. “I know… but they’re suffering…”

“We’ll be quick. I promise.”

“I don’t want them to suffer.”

“That’s why,” Asuka explained, voice turning down into a whisper again, deathly-gentle. “That’s why  we’re going to do this. They won’t have to suffer. Not any more.”

Rei leaned over to look. In Shou’s hands was something dark, something she knew he had taken out of the bag, wrapped in what looked like a black towel.

She saw him unwrap it. In the black fuzz was sharp silver.

Rei felt acid in the back of her mouth, and she swallowed, turning around, until all that she saw was Asuka and the dark of her clothes obstructing her field of view.

Warm hands reached out. They pulled her in, and the same, long-fingered hands nestled their way into her hair, pale against the long, inky-dark trails, thin with filth and as limp as rags on a scarecrow. Asuka’s touch felt odd on her scalp, but Rei could not stop herself leaning in, resting her head on the top of the older girl’s chest, her own trembling hands reaching to clutch at Asuka’s sweater for comfort.

She gritted her teeth and held on. Any moment. Any - any, she knew, hearing the sounds of the door’s lock click, and the jangle of keys. She heard Judai breathe in, Shou just behind him; the smaller boy’s breaths anything but calm, yet forcing themselves to be steady.

“…you back me up, all right? Take the other one…”

“This one?”

“Yeah. Be careful. She said there were two of them in there…”

_Two of them. It’ll be over soon, won’t it?_

She was in safer arms; but they were not the arms that she wanted. Never again would she feel the arms of her parents. Marty was dead. Her mother and father would not come back. She wanted to die, and she still thought of death still as her hands grasped at the sweater, like a small baby tugging at its mother’s finger. Warm drops ran into the fabric, out of control.

Asuka leaned in. Rei shut her eyes. Her teeth gritted. She tried to think of something else, something different than what was around her, but the thoughts would not come.

Silence. The door handle turned with a click -

“Shou, now, behind me!”

\- then came the moaning, sounds that grew louder as a terrible gap formed between the doorframe and the edge, widening, slowly then sudden. Rei let out a wail. She buried herself in Asuka’s chest, and tried to cover her other ear with her shoulders, but it was useless. Unable to stop, even with the sweater being there, thick and ready to muffle, she cried.

The cries racked through her chest, first soft, and then growing harsher, knives digging into the parched state of her throat. There was nothing more to say. She had nothing to say, and had the strength only to cry. Worse than a child, and worse than a monster, she wished for the ground to swallow her up. It hurt - all of her did, no matter how much she tried to fight it. She had not died. The angels had not come.

She was in hell.

Crying out hurt her throat, but none of it helped. She did not want to, but she still heard everything through the howling: footsteps and something sliding in - then out, then in - then heavy breathing, overtaken by the pain deep inside, more so than the howls almost tearing through her throat - then silence, then nothing.

 _Nothing,_ she thought, barely able to breathe.

_It’s over._

_There’s nothing._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick emetophobia/vomiting warning for this chapter.

It was still dark when Rei’s eyes opened again.

She was alone in the room. The chair where Asuka had perched before was vacant, as if she had never been there. The door was ajar. Her clothes were still on the floor from what she could see. A sliver of orange light from the corridor lighting up the mess of her room.

There were footsteps and voices downstairs. The sounds were unclear through the walls and the door, but she could recognise them as the people she had met earlier that day, and it was only then that she became sure that she had not been dreaming.

_Everything is all right, everything is all right…_

Deep down, something in her stomach was stirring. She had gone to bed much fuller than the day before, but how long she had slept for, she was not certain. There was a clock on her wall, but it was too dark to see. Squinting, she tried to read it and when the faint strip of light was not enough, carefully, she lifted herself out of bed.

She moved silently, on her tiptoes, looking around as much as she could to avoid stepping on a pen, or any of the books that had been in her school bag, that were now scattered still all over the floor. _Tomorrow,_ she thought. _I’ll clean it…_

Her hands rested on the door for a moment as she stopped to listen again. The voices were still coming from below. She heard footsteps - the odd sound of shoes on the floor, shoes that had not been taken off - and door handles turning. Other sounds followed: the door to the kitchen creaking, more footsteps, more whispers and slightly louder tones.

“…just get them out, open the door, come on…”

 _Cleaning,_ Rei realised, feeling her stomach churn. _Cleaning up._ The grinding sound of what had to be shovel metal on wood sent shivers down her spine.

“…coming, all right… you open…”

She pulled the door open. Gently, ever-so-silently, she walked on, step by soft step, towards the stairs.

“…a little, come on… shit, what’s… _Judai!_ What’s wrong?”

There was a deafening clatter. Shou cursed, and Asuka followed, new footsteps echoing out.

Rei bolted. Her heart began to race immediately. Her feet carried her to the landing, but she did not peer over the edge; with her heart in her throat, she could not move, could not lean. She could not look down - but she listened, feet stuck to the ground, unable to run back and jump into bed, and sleep, and forget everything she was hearing.

“Are you… are you…”

“…no… dammit, I can’t… _ack…”_

The sound of coughing resonated through the ceiling and up to the floor. Rei gasped.

She could hear Asuka’s voice from the kitchen, the sound of it definitely hers, but too hushed for her to make out. Sounds were lost in a tangle of voices and coughing. Someone was gasping, coughing - who, and why, there was no way of telling. Her head was telling her, _screaming,_ begging her to go back to bed, but her feet could not move. Rooted to the floor on the landing, she leaned over a little to listen, wincing as she heard someone retch.

The noise came from the kitchen. She looked down. Blood, left and right, was carpeting the corridor floor.

Rei drifted in and out of sleep for the rest of the night.

Morning came.

She did not wake up - she had not been asleep - but the pain of it was all there, as if she had been paralysed. Her eyes did not want to open. Her back and limbs wanted her to stay put on the bed, or cloak herself up like a mummy and lay there as long as her life. She thought of wasting away, but the empty feeling coming from her stomach was no longer so dull. Her tongue wanted water.

The ghostly taste of last night’s fish lingered on in her mouth, mingled with metal; the sharpness of the edge of a can. Rei could not remember the last time she had been enthusiastic, or even happy, to be eating tuna. The fish had been watery, but it had dulled the ache in her stomach. That was all that had mattered.

The taste was still there, but the satisfaction was gone. It was morning. _Breakfast_ , she thought.

She heaved herself out of bed, no differently than she had done twenty-six times before. She was still tired. Her muscles still ached, even if the emptiness of not having eaten was far less severe, and she could see still. The dizziness in her head was just that - simple dizziness, from not enough sleep, and not from starvation, and not from the sight of cold, uncooked ramen swimming around in a bowl, looking less like comforting noodles and more like the sight of winding, slippery entrails.

 _Breakfast,_ she thought, shaking her head. _Think of food…_

Still in her pyjamas, she gently pulled open the door. Behind it was nothing but air. Over the edge of the top of the stairs, there was nothing but the floor. The living room door was shut.

Sighing, she began to creep down the stairs. They creaked with each step, as they had done for all of the past twenty-eight days, and in all of the days before that, when Rei had walked down the stairs with more spring in her step, or side-by-side with her parents or step-brother. Her father had complained about them each time, and yet, never got round to fixing them - and never would, Rei realised.

She swallowed, remembering the events of the day before.

 _Dad’s gone,_ she remembered. _And Marty. Marty’s long gone._

The floor was clean, she noticed as she came down. The tan-coloured wood was as it had been the previous morning, and on every morning before that. The blood she had seen in the night was gone.

Had it ever been there?

 _Maybe I dreamt it,_ Rei thought. Maybe, it was her mind’s way of telling her she needed more sleep. It made sense. There was no blood. The floor was clean. The faint voices she had heard, amidst the sound of retching, had probably been nothing but dreams.

And yet, as she glanced over, seeing no yarn around the door handle and her keys back near the front door, something in her told her the events of the day before had all been real.

Her heart began to thrum in her chest. Carefully, she turned around. The kitchen door was not shut. A faint white triangle crossed the corridor, light streaming in from a window. Soft voices were coming from behind the door; and she could recognise them, just as she could recognise the sound of a mop squelching on the floor and ceramic plates clattering as they were stacked, one by one.

_…they?_

Rei braced herself and pressed on. One shy, trembling hand pushed the kitchen door in.

Half of her expected to see blood on the floor. There was none. All that met her, staring back, were fresh pairs of eyes, turning around at the sound of the creak of the door.

The people from yesterday were sat in her kitchen, all three of them in different states. Asuka was on the far side, putting away freshly-washed dishes by the side of the sink. Shou’s hand rested on the shaft of a mop, but the boy himself was sat down, his other hand rubbing an eye, the inside of his mouth exposed midway through a yawn. His hat lay on the side of the table.

Judai was silent. Clearly exhausted, he was sat, slumped, across on the other side of the table, head down and forehead resting in one shaky hand. A small glass of water stood on his left.

“Ah, Rei,” Asuka spoke first, putting the plate down. “Good morning.”

Shou followed. “Morning.”

Rei could not think of how to reply. Calling the morning a good one felt like a lie; she was tired, and the sounds she had heard in the night played on and on still in her mind. The sounds she had awoken to on each of the twenty-seven days before were not yet forgotten, and they had mixed with the worry of what had occurred. She ached, inside and out. She was hungry - terribly hungry - and she could not deny what she had been feeling: that she wanted to die.

“…Good morning,” she finally said, too tired to smile.

“Are you all right?” Asuka asked. Her look was full of concern, without a hint of scorn in it, and for a moment, Rei thought back to her stepmother as she looked down to her feet, bare, legs clad in winter pyjamas.

Her stepmother had never been fond of Rei coming downstairs in her pyjamas. Her father had been the lenient one, shrugging it off and telling his wife to let it slide; it was the weekend, he’d say, and show Rei the pancakes he had made first thing in the morning. Of her parents, her father had always been the better cook.

Rei’s stomach rumbled at the thought of warm pancakes. She would never have them again.

“I’m all right,” she yawned.

“Tired? I’m sorry. You can sleep a bit longer.”

“No. I’m fine…” Rei shook her head. “I… I don’t think I can sleep anyway.”

“Oh. Right…”

Asuka hesitated, looking away. Rei sighed. The air in the kitchen was awkward at best. At the table, Shou had only looked up, but said nothing, and Judai was still resting, head-down.

Rei decided it was best not to bother him.

“…In that case, it’s all right.” Asuka turned back around, trying to stay calm but she was clearly uncertain around Rei, seeing her follow Shou in a yawn and rubbing one eye with the edge of her sleeve. “We have food, if you like. There’s not much, but we went back for provisions.”

“Back?"

“To the store,” she clarified. “Shou, do you still have any more of those pastries?”

The boy at the table almost jumped at the mention of his name. “Ah - yes, I think…”

He was tired, maybe just as much as Rei was, maybe more, judging by the sluggishness in his arms and the slow flexing of fingers as he reached down for the bag at his feet. How much he had slept, it was difficult to tell - but not a lot, Rei realised, thinking back to the cleanliness of the floor as it was now, and the dark crimson visions she had seen in the middle of the night.

The mop between his knees toppled down with a clatter. Judai looked up, almost urgently, and it was then that Rei saw the weariness on his face.

The Judai that led the way the day before, and been the first to open the door and rush in, knife in hand, looked like a different person, completely alien to the exhausted wreck slumped on the table. His shoulders were down, hair plastered to his face with sweat, and probably other things she didn’t want to know about. It did not take effort for Rei to pick up the red amidst the whites of his eyes, and she did not have long to see, either, before his head fell straight back down into his arms with a groan.

He had not slept, and just like her, he would not be sleeping.

“Uh - here,” Shou’s voice interrupted, prodding away her attention. “I mean, do you want some? It’s the same kind as yesterday. We’ve got some fish and beans if you like, too. You can have that if you want…”

The package was thrust into her hands. She took it, knowing it was what she needed to settle her stomach - _and maybe the fish too,_ she thought, as she opened the packet, silver shining at her in the light like some sort of treasure. _The fish would be good…_

“Sit down?” Asuka beckoned.

Shou pulled back the chair next to him, and Rei sat. It was the closest she had been to the boy, and she could smell him; unusually clean, at least compared to her, the scent of him making her think of the shampoo she used - when she had last used it.

“Oh, yeah,” Shou murmured, just as she sank her teeth into the pastry. It was as if he had been reading her mind. “We… used your bathroom. Sorry.”

“It’s all right,” Rei replied, between bites. “It’s only the bathroom.”

“You don’t mind?”

“No.”

Asuka put down the towel she had been using. She began to walk towards the table, where the others were, and stopped just behind Shou. “Still, we’re sorry,” she chimed in. “We should have asked, but… you were asleep. We didn’t want to wake you. We needed to use it. And your kitchen sink, too. At least the water’s still running…”

Rei did not need to know any more details. Her mind started to fill in the rest; in enough detail for her to swallow the last bite of pastry down with a lump in her throat. The floor in the corridor had been clean. The tell-tale mop lay on the floor. Shou and the others were fresher than she had seen yesterday. There was no blood on the ground - or anywhere else - and she could not see the shovel in the kitchen. It had not been in the corridor, either.

“…It’s fine,” she said, putting the now-empty wrapper down. “Thank you for the food.”

“You want anything else?”

Rei looked back at Asuka, and then at the bag by Shou’s feet. The pastry had been nice, but it was not quite enough, she admitted.

“Yes, please,” she nodded, trying to be modest.

“All right,” Asuka said back. “Take your time. If you need to eat, then do so. We’ll go back for supplies before we set out for real.”

Eyes widened. “For… real?”

“We’re not going to stay here. We’re taking you with us,” she heaved, hand coming to rest on Rei’s shoulder. By their side, Shou froze, keeping the tin of fish he had drawn out of the bag in his hand, in awkward limbo. “We can’t leave you. Not after… not after all that’s gone on here.”

Rei swallowed. Her feet felt anchored to the ground. The thought of leaving this place - leaving home, this time for good, terrified her down to the core. Leaving to go out for a short while had terrified her. Passing out on the streets had been worse than anything else. Home was safer. Home was quiet, and definitely empty. Outside, the turned would be walking, just like the one she had seen coming towards her before she had fallen and all had gone black…

“But it’s safe here,” she said. “I’ll be all right.”

Asuka shook her head. “You’ve got no food here.”

“The store’s just around the corner.”

“You didn’t eat for three days before you went there. And you’re all alone here. Rei, you’re thirteen. You can stay out on your own if you want, but… it’s just not going to be safe like this.”

“It’s my house.”

“Rei, please. You can’t.”

“I don’t want to go out there. I… I’m scared,” she confessed, feeling a jolt of terror deep in her heart.

“Because of them?”

“Yes. They’ll come for me.”

She did not need to tell Asuka that she had been thinking of dying for days. Dying at home and being devoured were far from the same. Death, she had decided, was better off being quiet and painless, and she would end her own life at will.

She did not want to die screaming, not while one of the turned sank their teeth into her flesh, the acid in their saliva leaking and dripping down into the bloody red of her flesh. She would either turn, if she lived long enough, or die as nothing but meat, and neither choice was what she wanted. It was something that had only come about in her dreams, but those nights had been sleepless.

 _No_ , she decided. _Anything but._

She did not expect the familiar feeling of Asuka’s hand on her shoulder. Looking up a little, she saw the older girl leaning in. Her voice lowered, she spoke with a dryness in her throat that Rei herself felt inside.

“Listen. We’re going to protect you. Things out there are rough, but it’s better that we stay together. There’s a place we can go to, and I promise you, we have what we need there. It might be a bit of a trek, but… we’ll all be safe there. We’ll have food, and… Rei, I’m going to be honest, but I don’t think we’re the only ones still alive here.”

Rei’s eyes widened. “What?”

“What I said,” Asuka continued. A glance away, Shou was not nodding, but not shaking his head either. Judai was still. “We only found you because we were out there. We came out looking for others who had survived. We’ve all got our reasons, but… if we don’t go out there, we might never find anyone. We can’t call, and the internet’s down, but.. maybe, just maybe, others are out there.”

Her eyes seemed to take on a sheen, as if hiding tears. What lay behind the luster, Rei could not begin to imagine. Asuka was older, more experienced than her in ways she had yet to learn, and she had been out there. The pandemic had not discriminated in who had died and who had fallen to it. It had come for the entire population, almost at once.

Why she had been unharmed by the airborne strain that had swept through the country, she did not know. What made all four of them, as they were, different from everyone else was impossible for her to guess, or even imagine.

 _…but she’s right,_ Rei thought. _There might be others. It might not only be us._

Asuka had seen the same hell, if not worse. She had not been cooped up in one house, not like Rei had. She had been out there. Somehow, she had found Shou and Judai, and ventured out with them - and now, she had found them.

Her parents were gone - but the four of them were here, and they were alive.

“If we didn’t go out, we’d never have found you. And… Rei, I’m honestly thankful for that.”

_Thankful?_

“Why?“

Because that’s one more life still intact,” Asuka said. “That’s one more human alive. That’s a miracle. And… and you’re young. What’s out there is devastating. There’s kids younger than you out there, in a worse state than your parents were in. There’s God knows how many corpses to bury. But you’re alive. You’re alive, Rei. And I’m so glad you’re alive.”

There were tears in her eyes.

“I… I know it’s bad,” Shou’s sudden voice surprised her. He spoke quietly, but something about it made her want to listen, and not shake her head in denial like the little voice deep inside wanted her to. “I know. But it’s good that we’re all here. We’re all alive. And… and we should all stay together. We can stay like this. We might be able to help each other out, and…”

He hesitated to find the right words, and did not finish the sentence. Rei nodded, feeling the beginnings of the same tears pricking gently at her eyes.

“…and it’s better together, right?”

Rei turned around. It was getting harder to see through the drops blurring her vision, but even Judai had raised his head from the table, and said something.

“It’s better not being alone. And, like Asuka said. We’re not really adults, but… we can look after you,” he continued, voice weak. He was tired, half-beaten by whatever had occurred in the night, whatever he and the others had been doing exactly - the thing that Rei had been trying to not think about -  but he was alive, just as she was. All four of them were alive. All four of them were breathing, and sane.

All four of them were trying hard not to cry. Rei felt it. Her heart squeezed tight, once and twice and again. It was hard to stay focused, to keep herself up - but she had to. She had stayed alive for twenty-eight days. The others had, too. Somehow, they had not fallen prey to the virus. They were alive. They would stay alive, if they tried.

The only way was to leave.

Staying at home would be lonely - she knew, down in the pit of her stomach, that all would not be all right. Four weeks of talking to no-one, pretending her parents and Marty could hear her, had been the worst four weeks of her life. The voice had come in, and started talking to her. It had told her to kill herself. She would have to tell it to hush. She was not alone, not any more.

“All right,” she breathed out, one hand swiping and dabbing at the wet in her eyes. It hurt - but it hurt to deny how she felt, and the way she knew she wanted to go. “I’ll go with you.”

“That… that’s good.”

Asuka’s reply was choked out. She was crying out loud as she spoke, and Rei leaned in to her as Asuka did to her, both at once.

In her hands was the comfort of warmth; in her nostrils the scent of a tin of fish being opened. She did not mind the latter, and accepted the former. All was not well, she reminded herself, but all could be good. She would be going.

After breakfast, she knew, she would be going.

The hug ended, her cheeks still rosy and Asuka still in need of a tissue. Shou had only smiled as he passed her the box. Even Judai did not look so beaten as Shou passed him the can opener, and a tin of something edible that Rei did not pay much attention to.

“Here. You want some?”

No sooner were her hands on an open tin of her own that she dove in.

Never in her life had she been as happy about wolfing down tuna. The fish was flaky and dry. She almost gagged at the texture, but swallowed it down all the same. She did not glance around, scared what the others would think of her, or if she got flakes of greyish-pink on her face, or her clothes.

It felt good to eat, or to not be alone - or both, both at once. For the first time in twenty-eight dry, painful days, the kitchen felt more alive.

Rei almost dreaded coming to the end of her breakfast. The clock on the wall told her it was just past nine; _late for school,_ said a little voice at the back of her head, _far too late,_ but school did not matter. There would be no school for a while, she decided, if ever.

 _Maybe, someday. Some other day,_ she hoped deep in her heart.

She had never been studious, but she had loved the friends she had had there. Walking home with her step-brother had never been a bad time. She had learned the streets off by heart, and the places the two of them would walk by, each and every day, with just their bags in their hands and sometimes a sweet treat or two, and a few coins less in their pockets.

She would be going out.

Those places would not be the same, she thought, as she trudged up the stairs after breakfast. What she remembered was gone. Her classmates were as gone as the ghastly figure she had seen turn its head the day before, when she had collapsed outside. Rei’s stomach turned at the thought.

 _No,_ she forced the thought out. _I’m going to live._

School was over, she thought, as she entered her room and shut the door.

There was no need for a uniform. Her hands reached to open her drawers, fishing out underwear and socks, and then into the wardrobe. The hoodie she had worn out before was not in a good state, not any more. What was clean now would get dirty, but at least for a while, it would feel better, she decided, as she settled on another hoodie and shirt.

Clothes on, she rolled up long crimson-red sleeves. Her coat was downstairs, ready to be taken if she decided to. How long she would be out there, she could not begin to guess. What the others would have at the place Asuka had mentioned, she had no idea either.

_It’ll probably be cold… maybe I should…_

It was September. Summer was gone. She would be _going._

Her head could not stay steady, and her mind wandered all over the place, unrestrained and unbound, from shelf to table to the top of her bed, to the curtains and the same line of sunlight that scarred the wall by the shelves. Hands reached for a notepad and pen, and a book toppled over, but she did not care - she did not hear the book fall, nor did she stop to put it back on the table, but the notepad went in, as did some scattered underwear and a handful of socks.

How heavy her rucksack would be, she could not be sure. It was the last thing on her mind, bogged down at the bottom along with the items she was forcing into her bag, hands trying hard and fingers not listening completely. She pushed things in, letting them crumple and crease in the depths of the bag. Things were dropped. She picked them back up. They slipped out again.

Picking up whatever lay on the floor, she sighed. She could not take most of the things in her room. They were useless, but sentimental; the picture frame that had fallen down from her shelf, the many books she had read, the games she had played. All of them would have to stay. Summer was over, and, she thought, so was her childhood.

More important things needed to be put in. There was her notepad and her wallet - not heavy, but filled with whatever money she had. She pushed it down on top of whatever useful clothes she could fit, her thoughts between staying between the convenience store and the house, or leaving forever with Asuka and the others.

_But if I stay here, what would I stay for?_

She had run out of food, and almost died twice going to find it alone. The mornings had grown unbearable. Day by day, she had walked past the living room and think of her family - think of Marty, awake and and asleep in the depths of her dreams, amongst puddles of blood and the sounds of what her parents had become, and how she was certain that Marty had met his fate.

 

 _Judai tried to be quick,_ Asuka had said to her in the morning, when she had asked about her parents. It was enough. They were long gone. Their bodies would be at rest. Marty was buried with them, under the dark heaps of soil that Judai, Shou and Asuka had spent all night shovelling.

Standing up, she walked over to the window. One hand pushed back a curtain. White sky-light met pale, sickly skin. Rei looked down. Below was black, the garden dug up - and she knew why.

Black was the soil, freshly moved, with bodies beneath it. Her mother’s pot plants had been moved next to the makeshift graves, strange pinks and violets amongst dull green grass, and the rest of the darkness.

 _Rest in peace, Marty,_ Rei thought, closing her eyes for a moment of prayer.

_Rest in peace. I love you, and Dad, and Mom, and everyone…_

Silently, she shut the curtains again. Leaning down, she closed her bag and heaved it up onto her shoulders, then took one last look around and left.

The door shut behind her.

She took a breath in.

She would be leaving. Everything was not all right, not any more. She could not pretend. She had eaten and drank, and found company, but her parents were gone, as were her stepbrother and classmates and everyone that she knew. Hell on earth was a real thing; but she did not have to lie to herself, never again. She had already been outside. There was no point in daydreams, and there were no sleepy visions to wake up from.

Each step down the stairs felt that little bit lighter with the thought in her mind.

She thought of death, and blood, and whatever lay outside, beyond the world of her house, but the burden did not feel as heavy. The others were waiting for her.

The door to the living room was slightly ajar.

Coming down, she saw the familiar triangle of light drawing lines on the floor. Where the light touched the floor was a shade paler - and there was no blood, only light brown wood the colour of sticky toffee and sunshine.

With a gulp, she pushed the door open. It moved only a little. Her movements were soft, hands shaking a little as she braced herself for the worst. The memories of the twenty-seven days behind her resurfaced. There was blood in her eyes again, even as she pushed the door outward, and saw the tan shades in the wood, without so much as a speckle of crimson amidst them.

The walls were the same pale cream as before. The dark red rug on the floor had vanished, but the floor beneath it was clean. The same cliche landscapes in frames on the wall were still staring right back, as they had in the days before the pandemic. Her stepmother’s favourite vase no longer stood on the table.

There were no flowers.

The shelf under the television felt emptier, somehow, but it was not for a few moments that Rei realised why. Dust had not collected. Things were no longer there, and - with a stab in the heart, the thought came into her mind - what had gone was the photographs her parents had put up on the shelf.

Her hand ran along the surface, smooth under her palm. The living room, where her parents had been for twenty-seven days, and where her stepbrother had died, felt dead.

She felt something rise in the back of her throat. It had to be swallowed.

 _No,_ she forced the thought down. _I can’t think back to things any more. It’s all over. It’s finished. Things aren’t all right any more._

_They were never all right. Not since the day it all started._

“Rei?”

A voice rang out. Rei turned around.

“We’ll be going soon.” Asuka’s coat was back on. The look on her face was a still, serious one, but the way her hands held on to the hems of her clothes made Rei think of something else, deeper down.

“I know,” Rei mumbled back. She could think of nothing better to say.

“Do you want to… say goodbye to your parents?”

The thought startled her.

“…Yes.”

“The other two are just checking out front. They’ll be all right. We buried them in the garden.”

Rei stood in silence. She gave a small nod.

“Come on.”

Rei followed. Quickly, she put on her slippers. Her shoes were out front, but it felt rude to wear them in the house still. The voice of her stepmother still rang, deep in her heart. Her slippers would not matter. She was leaving today.

The corridor and kitchen were just as familiar. Whatever mess had been made during breakfast was gone, table cleared and plates damp with water and washing-up liquid. Her bat fell back as she tried to rest it against one of the chairs. It rolled, but she left it.

Rei’s keys were waiting for them, stuck into the lock of the door leading out to the garden. Taking the lead, Asuka turned the handle.

Cool air met cold skin. The sight of the garden chilled through to the bones, more than Rei had imagined, and far more than she had expected after seeing the same view from the window. Around her, the trees were the same, and on one side, the grass was still bright, as if it had not noticed that summer had ended - but soon, she knew, it would notice, and wither with time, before being choked by the snow.

The left side was not green, but black, black with upturned, freshly-dug soil.

Asuka did not need to say a word. Rei rushed ahead. Her slippers beat against the stone path, before she felt the ground soften. Never had grass felt so unpleasant beneath her - but as green came to a close, and she drew closer to black, she felt the feeling deep in her gut growing worse, only more dreadful, as she kneeled down.

She heard the scrape of Asuka lifting the shovel behind her. It did not matter. Her hand drifted above the black of the graves. It was drawn back too fast.

Fighting the tears in her eyes, she closed them, and prayed.

She did not want to cry, but she knew she was going to - not again, not again, she wrestled with the thoughts in her mind. She was an adult. She had cried once already - she couldn’t cry, it wasn’t being an adult, because adults didn’t cry. She was weak. She had to be stronger. She had to be, had to be -

Her eyes opened. Her lips moved, feeling more and more ill by the second.

“Marty,” she quivered. “Did you… bury him too?”

“…Yes. What we could.”

 _What we could._ Rei felt tears stinging her eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

She heard footsteps. Asuka was turning around, as if leaving. It pained her to think, but pained her even more to think that someone was guilty - and Asuka wasn’t -

“Wait!” Rei cried out, turning. “It’s not your fault. I… I told you that they were in pain. I did it.”

“Did what?” Asuka asked, taking a step closer, hand reaching out. If she was scared, then she was fighting her fear, and Rei wished she could be as strong - but it hurt, and some part of her still wanted to die, and if she shut her eyes at that moment, she knew what she would be seeing, all over again.

All of her ached.

“I told you to kill them. And… and I didn’t stop them killing Marty. I let him die. It’s my fault all of this happened.”

“Rei. Listen.”

“It’s my fault.”

“No, Rei. It isn’t. It’s not anyone’s fault.”

She looked up. Asuka’s brows were not furrowed with anger, like she had envisaged. There was something calm, something motherly and powerful in the way her eyes shone, closer to crying than to lashing out with brute anger. Rei did not want to believe it.

“But I said - “

“Rei. It doesn’t matter. You… you did the right thing.”

“But, but Marty…”

“Listen. It wasn’t your fault,” Asuka pressed. “It wasn’t anyone’s fault. You didn’t ask for the virus to happen. I don’t know who did. No-one did.”

Deep from her throat, she let out a lead-heavy sigh. Rei froze. The sick feeling was back. Her knees were starting to ache, and she stood.

“No-one did. Nobody asked for all of these bad things. And… the bad things just happened. And I know, it’s going to be difficult. It already is. But… that’s what we’re here for. Like this. Like the way we are, all of us. We’re going to fight. We’re going to live.”

“…Live?” Rei asked, pleading.

“Yes.” This time, Asuka’s voice sounded absolute. “I know your parents are gone. But they’re not in pain. They’re in a better place than they were for all of these days. And… and I know, some day you’ll be happy to see them again. But now isn’t that time.”

_When, then? Will I ever grow old, like my grandparents? Will I die long before that?_

“When…?”

“When the time’s right. It’s not over yet. We’re going to get out of this.”

“All of this?”

“All of it.”

It was the same absolute tone. Rei looked back, unable to stop herself shaking. How Asuka had let herself cry, and how she could still be like this - unbeaten, unstoppable - was beyond anything Rei could guess, beyond what she knew.

“…Promise?”

“I promise.”

It was a lie, Rei knew, but it felt so believable. She wanted to think like Asuka did. Her muscles wanted to reach, and her legs wanted to walk, to take her to wherever she would be safe, and maybe happy one day.

Nothing was all right, not any more, and she knew it from her head to her heart.

 _Still,_ she thought. _I could believe._

_I might believe still._

Her head thrummed. She was not yet awake, not completely. She was no longer hungry, but she was far from how she had been. She could never go back.

The future was full of death and disaster, just like the past twenty-seven days had been, sprawling behind. Ahead were the same kinds of horrors: the same sea of corpses she had only dreaded coming out to see on the streets, and the same kind of looming, tall monsters - turned humans - that she had come face-to-face with before passing out by the bus shelter.

_…but Asuka found me. And Judai, and Shou. They said they’ll stay with me…_

_They’re going to stay…_

_We’re going. We’re going together…_

“Rei?” Asuka’s voice sounded out, just in front.

She paused, still in thought.

“Yes,” Rei decided. “I’m fine. I’m coming.”

The thoughts were shunted aside.

She breathed in, preparing herself. Out there was everything; death and life and hope and chaos, and the warm bodies that she had encountered. She had been promised. They were together. They would protect her.

The door back to the house was still open. She could hear voices calling beyond it, telling her to come on. They were voices of people still living, voices she knew.

Her feet went on, and her heart carried on beating, as the door to the garden shut behind her, Asuka turning the keys one last time, before Rei turned around, just once more, and knew it was over for good.


	4. Chapter 4

****They went on, through the empty town, through the white dust of the morning.

The air was cooling already. September had started not long ago. The memories of walking to school, Marty dawdling by her side, were still fresh on Rei’s mind.

_God, how many days?_

It took a moment for her to think back. The twenty-seven days before had felt like a drag, all the way through - and now, they were over, but she had forgotten their entire existence.

It was October now. No longer September.

“Rei? What’s up?”

She jerked up, spotting Asuka’s worried gaze looking back, over her shoulder. Lost in thoughts, she had let herself slow down, and the others had drifted away. The few steps in between them felt like a mile, and she ran up to catch them, heart beating with sudden fear.

“I’m all right. Sorry,” she gasped, still startled. “I was just thinking.”

“About what?” Shou asked, tilting his head.

“It’s… it’s fine.” Rei shook her head.

Judai shrugged, taking the lead in the group once again. “Well, if you say it’s all right. Come on. We’ll take a break in a bit if you want.”

How long it had been since they had set out, Rei was not certain. The streets were still familiar here, only a few blocks past the convenience store. The roads were empty of life. A faint wind whispered through the rats’ tails of her hair, chilling her down to the bone, through the thick red of her hoodie.

Around them were empty pavements, roads littered with only a few still cars, and a handful of wrecks, no longer smoking, yet - Rei tried not to think of it, feeling her stomach grow queasy - most likely bodies.

_Most likely rot and bone and half-eaten flesh._

She gave a shudder.

They were lucky. The corpses they had spotted out by the road had been few. The remains of a tall, thin woman, and the skeleton of a dog by her feet, had laid rotting only a few minutes on from the store.

 _There’s God knows how many corpses to bury._ Asuka’s voice still rang in her mind, and Rei had said nothing. She saw heads turn towards the remains, and heard only sighs.

They had gone on, without much more of a thought.

How long the walk went on for was hard to tell without her phone. There had been no use in taking it with her, Rei had thought as she packed, but her pockets felt empty without it. There was no way of calling or texting - but it had had a clock on it, and photographs of her past, and small memories stored in its memory that made her eyes sting with bitter tears.

Maybe, she thought, it was for the best to leave it behind. None of the others had their phones on them, anyway.

“How long?” she asked, nervously.

Of the three, it was Asuka that turned around first. “I… I’m not sure. We should be there by tonight.”

“Tonight?”

“It’d be easier if we had a car, I know…”

“What about bikes?”

“If we find four, we’ll take them.”

“Can’t we… break in somewhere?”

It felt a little wrong to intrude, even if whoever once lived in the houses around her was no longer there, or no longer conscious, or no longer alive. At the same time - they would not object, Rei thought. They could not object. If not a house, there would be some kind of store that they could go into - somewhere, anywhere, where she did not know, but it would make everything easier.

Asuka had said they would not yesterday. It was worth asking.

Rei looked to her, and Asuka looked to Judai. He did not not or shake his head, but the look in his eyes was still beaten.

“We shouldn’t,” Asuka said firmly. “It’s not ours to break into.”

Rei could not help but shiver as her voice wobbled. “What… what about a bike shop? I mean, stores are… fine, aren’t they?”

“If we find one, we’ll do it. Do you know if there is one out here?”

Rei shook her head. The nearest one that she knew was miles away, in the centre of the city. From the roads she was familiar with, she could guess that they were not going in that direction.

“I don’t know either. If we find one, though, we’ll try and get on it. OK?”

The two boys in front nodded, almost in tandem, before Shou stopped.

“Wait, what about all our things?”

The group stopped, turning to him. His hands clutched the shovel he had been carrying a little tighter, nervous with the eyes all staring in his direction. _That shovel,_ Rei realised. _And all the bags. We don’t have many, but… that shovel…_

She wanted to ask why he had brought it along, but kept quiet.

“Yeah…” Judai scratched the back of his head. “Good point…”

He had been terribly quiet that morning, from having his head down on the table to barely speaking after they had all left Rei’s house. It felt strange, wrong even, though something within told Rei that she could not be sure. She had only met him the day before, but the boy leading the way on that day and the tired, lumbering wreck almost felt like two different people.

Still, she did not ask.

“Well, we could leave the shovel,” Asuka said.

“Do you think we’ll find another one?” Shou worried.

“Well, if we find a bike store we’ll find a shovel store while we’re at it…” Judai shrugged, almost too lightly for their surroundings. “Better if we keep it for now. I mean…”

The comment felt careless. He was clearly not on good form, but neither was Rei. He did not need to finish his sentence.

Her hand reached back, cautiously, longing for the touch of wood, for the handle of the baseball bat sticking out of her rucksack. They had not been met with much… _company,_ she thought, stomach churning. They needed everything, just in case. The slivers of silver she had seen in Judai’s bag had sent shivers up her spine, but they were not everything. She had her bat, and Shou had not let go of the shovel since morning, no matter how heavy it was for his small frame.

Every small thing was necessary.

“Right,” she said, giving a small nod. “I’m sorry.”

Judai gave her an odd look. “For what?”

“For… for asking.”

“You just asked. I mean, you didn’t do anything bad. Did she?” Judai replied, turning left and right to the others. Neither Asuka nor Shou nodded back.

“See?” Asuka said. “It’s all right.”

_I still should have kept my mouth shut…_

Rei could say nothing.

They went on, past roads that she could remember, and a few that she could not. Her legs and back began to ache quickly, but she fought back the pain, and forced herself to keep going. If the others were tired - Judai excepted - they were stronger than her. Rei could only look on, wishing she could be just as strong, just as capable.

_Just as much of an adult… I’m an adult now, aren’t I?_

_You’re thirteen,_ Asuka’s voice rang out in her head.

_I am. But I’m an adult now, too, just like you are._

The road seemed to wind on, turn after turn. What few cars there were on the roads were still, or nothing more than wrecks by the kerb. The smoke had long since subsided. Alone and abandoned, they made Rei’s stomach turn. The world seemed surreal, as if most of the town had never woken up on one morning, and the air felt a little heavier as she passed the cars by, creeping ghosts leaping into her skin and making her shudder.

“It’s empty,” she said out loud. “So empty.”

She didn’t expect an answer, and never got one. Her words were lost on the wind.

Maybe it was for the best, she decided, hours away and miles out from home, that the four of them were alone; that the streets seemed to be empty. The turned were around, whether living or dead, but cooped up inside cold, empty homes, just as she had been - homes she wished she could go into, to see if anyone else was alive, but she could not.

The chances were small. If anyone had survived, they would have most likely left. She had barely survived for twenty-seven days on her own.

_We’ll find others. We can’t be alone, can we?_

She wanted to believe, just as deeply as the voice in her mind told her that she wanted to die.

Her mind drifted about in a haze. She did not think as she looked up at the sky, or down at whatever was swimming in water at the bottom of the can she ate her lunch out of. She stopped thinking about the rough ground under her feet, or the sight of the empty, dead town as the streets grew less familiar.

The roads would wind. Silence crept on, as did they, walking and walking for what felt like hours. Sometimes, they would stop to run behind whatever they could, hearing sounds or wandering footsteps, Asuka’s hands pressing to Rei’s shoulders and voice reassuring. Rei would try not to think about it, not until someone said that the coast was clear up ahead, and they would go on, heavy-hearted.

Only once that day did she look up to find Judai’s hands, and a knife, both coated in fresh blood.

The world felt dead, she thought, as the sun slowly arced through the sky. The corpses they had found had been few. Most were probably still in their homes, like Rei’s parents had been on the dawn of the virus rearing its head. A few had they had found by the side of the road, in the seats of wrecked cars, buried under pieces of wreckage.

That day, only one was put out of its misery.

Judai had wiped the knife with a cloth, unwilling to look at the blade as he cleaned. Rei had sat down and tried to not think of it as she ate, scooping out small spoonfuls of tuna, but she had not felt well enough to finish her ration, and the fish seemed to come to life in her stomach, twisting close enough to make her cough, but not quite be sick, later that day as they walked without end.

_How much longer? How long? When will I die?_

_Soon,_ Rei thought, in time with the small voice that sang in her head. S _oon, I’ll find somewhere, and I’ll die._

Somewhere, sometime, she would go through with what it was telling her. It scared her a little, enough to send shivers all through her, but the voice would carry on speaking. It would be all right if she did it, it told her. It told her how small she was, and how useless, how fragile.

In the ruins of the world, she would be best off as just another cold corpse.

She wanted to sleep more and more as the day stretched on. The breaks they took flashed fast before her. As soon as she sat down for one, it seemed to pass into nothing, and soon, the others had come to their feet again. She did not want to be left behind. She did not protest. All she could do, she knew, was to walk on, and to try not to think about all that was around her. The corpses, the blood, the dead, empty silence - all of it was a blur the less she thought about it, and more about sleep, about the place they would come to, and how it would be easiest to end her life once they came to a stop.

Living felt harder and harder with each of her breaths. Just like staying awake, all of it felt like an uphill struggle. As the blank skies around her filled out with wide, arching trees, she saw the light turn to sprinkled grains on the ground, and thought less of where she was, and what she would do.

It would hurt, she thought, seeing the others go on. It might hurt less if I died.

All of her hurt. She wanted to sleep, so badly that she almost stumbled headfirst into Asuka’s back, who had stopped before her, and so had the others.

“Rei.”

Asuka’s voice rang through her ears, gently prying her out of sleep. Her eyes were fluttering shut, she realised. Her shoulders and legs were aching. She was tired out from the journey, from little sleep, and from the twisting and turning of thoughts in her mind.

“Huh…?”

“Here. We’re here, Rei.”

Rei looked up. The house in front of her seemed to tower. Creamy white walls with wide, curtained windows stood stark against a dark chocolate roof. A wide driveway appeared to meet her, like the invitation of a red carpet. A lone car stood parked in it, dark red bright against the still-green shades of grass next to it. Potted plants stood by the doorway, their leaves only just beginning to turn yellowish-brown.

It didn’t look real at first: something about it was too perfect, too eerily quiet, but the rest of the street and the town that reached on behind them had been silent too. There were no groans, neither from human or _turned_ throats, nor from passing-by cars. The roads were as empty as the rest of the street, and the more Rei thought about it, the more it made her feel hollow.

“…This?” She raised her voice in disbelief. “This is… the place?”

“Yes,” Asuka nodded. “This is it. This is my house.”

Rei had not asked Asuka about her family, but all that was around the house gave off a feeling of wealth. The walls looked fresh-painted. There was not a speck of moss on the driveway. Disused as it was, the car’s paint still gleamed, as if at the starting line of the races.

“Wow,” she gasped. “It’s… big.”

It was the only thing she could say, so tired she could barely stand.

“Well, it’s our home for now. Here, come on in. And honestly, don’t worry if you end up making a mess.”

When Asuka had taken out a small bunch of jangling keys, she had not noticed. It startled her somewhat, hearing the noises. Her thoughts drifted back to the previous day, when it had been her keys ringing out as they turned in the keyhole, one turn closer to her parents, the silver surface of a long, sharp knife in Judai’s hands glinting as the light of day hit it -

Asuka pushed open the door. What Rei could see, peering over her shoulder made her heart thrum with worry.

The walls were creamy, and clear of blood. Brown, smooth wood shone under the light. She could see no strange stains, nor signs of any mess that had most likely once been there. The wall she could see was adorned with a frame, her own face staring back.

_Mirror. I - wait, it’s me…_

Looking back at her was a bedraggled, tired-out mess, with tangled hair and the look of death in her eyes. She could not remember the last time she had washed her face, or her hair. Her eyes were fluttering shut. The reflection blurred and turned into fuzz, and she stumbled, hearing Shou cry out gently as he almost bumped into her.

“Sorry - Rei?”

He saw the fatigue creeping into her eyes. She almost fell back into him as she jerked up.

“I’m all right,” she lied through her teeth. “I’m fine. Don’t worry.”

Carefully, trying hard to not trip over her own heavy feet, she stepped into the house. It did not hit her until she was halfway through the corridor that her shoes were still on, but nobody objected, and she did not feel like removing them. If she leaned down, she would fall straight asleep, she suspected. It was all that she wanted, more than to be clean, or to eat - and for that moment as she lumbered on, letting the others come through into the house, more than to die.

“If you’re tired, then you can sleep. Or take a shower.”

The voice behind her had read her mind. Turning around slowly, she saw Asuka come up behind her. Further behind was Shou, putting the shovel to one side by the door. Judai messed with the lock, clicking it into place before hanging up the keys, and a sigh just like her own came from his throat as he leaned against the wall, fighting back against his own fatigue pulling him down.

“I…” She tried to say something, but could not. She wanted to sleep, but the house was not hers to have. It was a stranger’s house; a quiet house, a house that would be as cold as her own in the nights, if not worse.

“My house is your house. All of us can stay here for now. And you’re one of us here. All right?”

Asuka tilted her head, as if inviting her in. The smile on her lips, Rei realised, was a forced one. What felt more genuine was her eyelids threatening to shut, and the quake in her lips, and the slump of aching, cold-weary shoulders, where her coat had not quite been enough.

“One of you?”

“That’s right,” she insisted. “You can do as you like. Here, I’ll show you around.”

Her hand pointed out, and Rei let her take the lead. Asuka shrugged off her coat and hung it up by the door. Her shoulder brushed past Shou’s, and he turned around.

“We’ll be fine for now. Can you two stay downstairs for now? I might take a shower.”

 _Shower,_ Rei thought, eyes widening just for a moment. _Water. I can be clean._ Wincing, she looked down at her hands, and the mess of her hair as it trailed down, threatening to tangle in the cords of her coat. She could not recall the day she had last had a shower. She stank, and she knew it. If the others had minded, then they had said nothing, and it made her hurt deep within.

She was tired, so tired she thought she would fall.

“Come on.”

Asuka’s voice, beckoning, pulled her out of her thoughts.

Rei braced herself as she kicked off her shoes. Her bag fell to the ground with a tumble, and with it her coat. Asuka did not complain, having taken her own off as soon as she had entered the house, and she did not look at them, either. Instead, she led on, coming up the stairs and waiting for Rei to follow her. Limbs heavy, Rei did.

The staircase of Asuka’s house was not spiralling nor overly tall, but it was enough to make her weary head spin. Her feet, socks stuck to her feet with sweat, trudged and made scraping sounds as she stepped onto the carpet. She heaved herself up in Asuka’s footsteps, her hands clinging to the banister as she had in her own home, but not so much to be sure as it was to stay stable, but rather to hold on and look ahead despite the strength of the sleepiness pounding right through her, telling her to fall down.

Around her, on the walls, were still images; of what had probably once been a family, happy and smiling. Just like mine, she thought. She was too tired to pick any face out. By a small window, flashes of green caught her eye, and her hands reached to at least touch fresh green leaves. _Plastic,_ she realised the moment she felt them on her fingertips.

Why she had thought they could be real after a month of death and silence, she did not know, but she thought she was still dreaming.

Dreaming was painful.

“Here. Up ahead is the bathroom.” Rei looked up to where Asuka was pointing to, a shut door that she opened to reveal pale blue walls. The room seemed to beckon, and Rei let out a shudder, realising how in need of a bath she was.

“Can… I?”

“Of course. I’ll go and get a towel. The bedrooms are all around here, by the way.”

She let Asuka pass her in the corridor, and watched as the older girl opened up more and more of the doors. The rooms were spacious, clean-looking and ordinary. The floors were clean, devoid of dust or blood; clothes hung on the backs of chairs and books filled bookshelves. The larger room, Rei realised, belonged to Asuka’s parents, seeing the large, white-sheeted bed, and the matching pale gold of the curtains. Her gaze followed Asuka’s as she went in, but she did not go inside herself. Looking down again, the sight of her filled her with shame.

_I’m a rat. That’s what I am, a rat in a hotel, or a mansion. I shouldn’t be here. I should be back there, with my parents. I should have died, shouldn’t I?_

She saw Asuka pry open the wardrobe and tiptoe up to grab something from a shelf, then wring it under her arm. Towels, Rei realised.

“Here you go.” Asuka handed them over. Rei’s hands did not reach out.

“But they’re not mine.”

“They’re yours,” she insisted. “Everything here is ours. And don’t worry, they’re spare ones. All clean if you want to use them. Take a shower. It’s fine.”

“But it’s your water. Your house.”

“We wouldn’t have brought you here if you couldn’t use anything. Use what you like.”

Swallowing her uncertainties, Rei reached out and took the towels. Her hands squeezed the pink fuzz, longing for comfort. The soft touch of it made her sigh as she held on tight, not wanting to let go of something so trivial, yet something so comforting, warm after the cool that had chilled her outside that day from skin down to bones.

“Thank you,” she mumbled. It was only a towel, but it filled her with gratitude. “Can I… take a shower?”

“Up ahead. Go on. We might not have hot water, though.”

“That’s all right.”

Even cold water - water, clean water - felt like a blessing. Rei clutched the towels like treasures as she stepped towards the open door that led to the bathroom.

“And, Rei?” Asuka turned around to face her, and she froze on the spot.

“Yes?”

“What I said. You can use anything you want in the house. That includes the bathroom. Take a shower tonight. Whatever’s in the bathroom is yours.”

For an instant, Rei’s eyes lit up again. Mine, she thought, mine. If they don’t mind. The last thing that had been hers had been the things in her house.

She shuddered. It hurt to remember. She could still feel it, stirring deep in her stomach: the fear she had faced back in her house.  She suddenly stopped. “But… the water. What if it runs out?”

“If it stops, then it stops. Still, we have water for now. It’s all right. Get yourself cleaned up.”

“Now?”

“Now, if you want. I’ll leave you in peace,” Asuka said. “And don’t worry. I’ll make sure the guys stay downstairs. All right?”

“All right,” Rei nodded. “I’ll go.”

“That’s good. Clean yourself up, and we’ll be downstairs if you want us. Stay safe in there, OK?”

 _Stay safe._ Rei froze. _Did she know?_ Her thoughts about dying were silent; not quite gone, but dormant, under the skin, under the promise of water and cleanliness and company, and not being alone in her house.

“I will,” she said, trying to smile. She didn’t quite make it.

Whether Asuka saw it or not, she did not think about it. Her thoughts filled with water as she entered the bathroom and shut the door with a clunk of the lock. Leaning back on the wall for a moment, she sighed. The ceiling above her was white. The bath looked pristine. There was no blood here, either. There were no terrible memories lurking behind the bath curtain, nor on the walls, creeping in amongst the tiles and the grout.

Her shower was cold, but strangely pleasant, somehow. Water ran down her skin, refreshing wherever it touched. It felt odd to be clean, Rei thought, after so long without it, being like the rat she had become in her house. She took in the sight of white porcelain, and clean, polished blue tiles. Nothing had come here. It felt almost too quiet, the sound of water drowning out any noise, small pieces of conversation losing themselves before Rei could make anything out.

Why the whole of her felt so relieved, just washing for the first time in days, maybe weeks, she did not know. The face that had stared at her in the mirror before had not been her own. However long it had been, it hurt to think about; it had ruined her, and turned her whole body into a wreck and a mess, all because she had not cared, and she had been fearing the worst.

_Nobody would care what I looked like if I was to die… but I’m tired…_

Here, just for a while, she was clean.

The feeling filled her head with memories of home, of her bed and her own towels, the scent of her old favourite shampoo, and the warm feeling of water, and home, and all that Rei was certain was gone, what left her feeling damp and drowned from within amongst pleasant scents and the water’s fresh touches.

Her body was aching still. The pain of fatigue hit her hard. Rei let out a yawn.

Off went the water with a turn of the tap. Rei shivered, feeling the cold try to touch her. Quickly, she threw her towel around herself, and unlocked the door. Carefully, she pushed it open, and tasted cool air.

Her hair was still dripping. She did not notice, and if she did, she did not care much. She was tired out - clean now, but still tired out - and the thoughts in her head did not make sense as she stumbled from the bathroom. Where her feet carried her, she could not tell, not any more. The water had not been enough. It had kept her awake just a little while longer. She could not hold it back.

She was tired. The carpet was warm as she padded across it. The doors around her were still just ajar, enough for her to push one of them through, all the way. Behind it, she barely saw, was the largest room.

_Asuka’s parents?_

She did not know if her decision was wise, or not, but she slumped onto the bed, plummeting down into thick, pristine white sheets, soft as beckoning clouds. Her hair was wet still, and all she had was a towel, but as she lay there, diagonally across the large bed that had belonged to Asuka’s parents, she could not care.

Exhausted, her legs and arms and the rest of her aching, Rei tumbled down into sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

The first thing Rei saw when she woke up was a switched-off alarm clock, and she had no idea what time it was.

Through the curtains, light was beginning to filter. The room looked hazy almost, dusted with darkness from the shroud of the curtains. What she could see - the window, a small chest of drawers by the door, an antique-styled electrical lamp, and the useless alarm clock - all looked as if they were part of a dream, their colours not quite right. The world around her felt duller, but that little bit warmer; not as chilly as it had felt the evening before, with cold water dripping from her as she had fallen asleep.

_Wait…_

Rei heaved herself up from the bed. An extra blanket that had not been there before slipped from her shoulders.

Her arms and shoulders no longer ached. Her back felt a little odd still, but the feeling of fatigue she had had as she dropped out of consciousness had eased, enough for her not to feel pain as she eased herself onto her knees from her stomach.

She was still in her towel, pale pink softness around her body like a cocoon. She could feel it slipping a little, just like the blanket, as she pushed up - but everything around her was silent, silent enough for her to not think about it as she looked around, trying to hold it together. Her body longed for warmth, and she had not slept under the blanket - _stupid,_ she thought. She had fallen asleep far too quickly to notice.

_Would Asuka mind if I did?_

She could hear small sounds coming from downstairs as she focused. Plates were moving around, and what had to be cutlery was clicking softly on porcelain. The others were downstairs. She was not alone in the house, not like she had been for weeks. The house she was in was not her own, either, and all of it still felt a little surreal, not quite right, like the odd tint of daylight trying to come in through the curtains.

Still, she was already up. _No use in staying,_ she thought. Her fatigue was gone, even if just for a while. Her stomach was empty, and she felt it, unpleasantly so. Staying on the bed, in her towel, was something she could not be doing all day.

_Where did I…?_

The sudden sound of footsteps jerked her out of her thoughts. Uneasy, she turned around. Her hands scrambled, wrapping both the towel and the blanket around herself for protection.

Asuka’s head, a little startled herself, peered through the doorway. “Good morning,” she said, giving her a small smile. “Did you sleep all right?”

Still holding on to the towel, Rei turned around properly and sat herself down on the edge of the bed. Her hair trailed past the pink, no longer clinging to her skin with the filth it had carried before. Her hands held on tight, not wanting to let go of her only source of warmth. Bare feet touched the cool floor, and she let out a shiver.

“Yes,” she yawned. “I… I’m all right.”

She had been lying for days to herself, saying that everything was all right - but this time did not feel like such a heavy deception. The pain from before had lessened. She was clean, and with company. She was no longer alone. Her parents were gone, buried and at peace.

“That’s good,” Asuka sighed with relief. “You were pretty exhausted yesterday. I wondered whether to move you last night.”

“Move me?”

“I mean, into bed. I’m sorry if you were cold. I was a little uncertain, so I just brought you a blanket.”

“Oh.” Rei clutched at the dark fuzz, far warmer than the simple pink towel had been. Small clumps of wool seemed to cling to her fingers, but it was soft, and so comforting that she did not want to let go of it. “Thank you,” she said, as sincerely as she could.

“That’s all right,” Asuka replied. “As long as you’re all right. If you’re ever cold, we do have more blankets. And you can borrow my clothes. I might be a little bigger than you, but if you want them, just say.”

“Is that… all right?”

“Of course. Everything around here is yours. It’s all ours to share.”

“What about the other two?”

“Well, I might not let them wear my clothes. They can have my brother’s if they really want. I don’t think he’d mind.”

Rei’s eyes widened. “Is Judai your brother?”

Asuka let out a small laugh. “No, definitely not. He’s a friend.”

“Shou?”

“No. Not him, either.”

It was then that Rei realised why Asuka’s brother would not mind if his clothes were taken, and why the house had been quiet, save for the voices of those that had taken her there.

“Is he… is he gone?”

It felt stupid to ask, but Rei could not stop herself. Her hands shook a little, thinking back to her parents, and Marty, from his voice to the last sight she had captured of him, to the twisting, foul memory that was the thoughts of his corpse.

Asuka’s hands drifted to tug at her hair, playing with a lock at the front. Her fringe fell forward a little as she let out a sigh, a heavy one that made Rei’s insides stir.

“I don’t know,” she finally said. “I don’t know what happened to him.”

She looked up a little, and Rei saw it then: the pain that came with the beginnings of tears, even if Asuka was older and stronger. She seemed to be in a world of her own for a moment, caught up in difficult thoughts that Rei could not bear to ask more about, no matter how much her heart and her head wanted to know, and she could feel Asuka hurting.

“I… I’m sorry,” she whispered, not knowing what to say or do next.

“It’s all right,” Asuka shook her head. Sighing again, she sat down next to Rei, not quite touching, but close for Rei to feel the comfort of the heat of another warm body. “It’s… I’ve been alone here a while. Or not alone.”

“How long have you known one another?”

“Who, my brother and I?”

“No. You, and Judai, and Shou. All of you.”

Asuka pondered for a moment. “Two weeks. I’m not sure. It might be.”

“Did you just… meet one another?”

It was making Rei wonder. She had spent almost four weeks alone, in her home, too scared to go out. When they had finally headed out and spent hours on the road, all of the bodies they had seen outside had been dead or rotten, or dead _and_ rotten, or turned. How many more people there were, still inside cold houses, she could not begin to guess. How many had been wandering at the beginning was something she did not know, either.

_Did all of them die? Is everyone else still at home? Like my parents were, before they… stopped them being in pain?_

The virus had struck far too suddenly. Why she and the others had lived, she had no idea. The thought of it made her shiver.

Asuka’s hands pressed down on the bed as she leaned back. Her gaze lifted up to the ceiling, watching the thin lines of light that had streamed past the curtains, unwavering.

“Well, yes,” she finally said. “I… I was looking around for where my brother had gone, and we ended up meeting. Those two were already together. I didn’t know either one of them, though. We didn’t go to the same school or anything.”

The walk to Asuka’s house had taken them hours. It wasn’t surprising, Rei thought, that their schools would be different, if they were as far apart as their houses had been.

“Where did they come from?”

“South of town.” Asuka replied. “I think so, anyway. I found them near the centre, an hour from here. Or they found me. I’m not sure which one of us it was, but we found one another.”

“How did you know they were good?”

“Well, they replied when I shouted, and they didn’t try to bite me, either.”

On any other occasion, Rei felt like she would have laughed, but her chest felt a little too heavy. The thought that Asuka had had someone - and lost them - made her feel empty, even if it meant that she understood. She had not been the only one to face loss, she realised. Judai and Shou, too, had probably seen relatives turn, or die, or vanish out of sight, never to come back to safety again.

“That… that’s good,” she said, unable to think of anything else.

“Yeah. It’s a good thing. I’m not alone now. None of us are. We’re all here together, just for a while. I don’t know where we’ll go next.”

“Where?”

Asuka sat up, gaze hiding some kind of longing for something; maybe, Rei thought, to be outside again, to be free and happy, to laugh in the sunshine of the dusty, gone-by summer.

“It’s been a month. We’ve only searched a little part of the area. There might be others alive. We found you, and… since the day that we did, I’ve been wanting to go out there again. To see who else is out there. Who else is alive.”

She let out a heavy sigh. “If anyone else is alive. But I hope that there is.”

 _Your brother,_ Rei thought. She could see it in the heaviness of her expression, in the way Asuka’s hands played in her lap.

“…Asuka?”

“Yes?”

“Your brother. Is he… is he still out there?”

There was silence, before another heavy sigh. Asuka leaned forward, head tipping into her hands, and Rei hesitated to do anything else. She had upset her, she knew. A hand reached out to try and comfort her, by instinct, but froze in mid-air, uncertain what to do, and how to react. The words were stuck inside of her. She could not think of pushing them out.

Asuka did not move for a moment, barely being able to shake her head.

“He… he might be,” she sighed. “He wasn’t home with us on the night that it happened.”

The night. It had happened so suddenly. Rei could recall it still, even with a month of empty memories behind her between then and now; between beginning and wherever she currently was, at the middle or end.

It had happened so suddenly. The night before the morning she had lost both her parents and Marty, she had overheard voices through the door, from the television. The first report had been only a few days prior. _A contained virus… mutated, airborne… no successful treatment… those showing symptoms are advised to remain in quarantine. The UN has announced a state of crisis in the case of a global pandemic - we’re sorry, there appear to be issues -_

The night before, she had gone to bed and hoped she was dreaming.

She had not imagined that only hours later, everything would be over. She would wake up to a quiet house, to Marty trying to nudge her awake, telling her he had heard sounds from the living room, and that something had happened.

She had been half-asleep when she had let him open the door.

_I let him go. I let him die._

Was that how Asuka felt, too? Had it all been sudden, too - knowing her brother was out there the night before, but waking up in the morning to hear the possibility that he was turned, out there, amongst the living, the dying and the dead?

“Where… where was he?” Rei hesitated to ask.

“At a friend’s for the night. I don’t know what happened to him. I tried to call, but he never replied. Then the phones went down.”

Her own signal had died three days after she had lost Marty. Nobody had been replying before that - not the police, nor the other emergency services. None of her friends had said anything back. She had come to the computer a little too late. Her connection was already down.

“I… I’m sorry,” she said. She could not think of any way to console her.

“It’s all right. It wasn’t your fault. And you’re hurt, too.”

Rei did not expect Asuka’s arm to be warm, nor for her to wrap it around her. She shuffled closer, feeling the warmth as something almost magnetic. She hated the cold. She was still in her towel and the blanket, bare toes skimming the smooth wooden floor. The morning was warmer than the others had been, but things were not as warm as she wanted.

Summer was gone. Winter drew closer.

“How are we going to live?”

The question was vague, anxious as the words echoed through the stillness. Rei thought of the tinned food they had eaten, of the towels Asuka had given her, of the clothes she had left in the bathroom last night and not picked up. Her hands felt a little bit colder, and she brought them a little closer to the rest of her body heat. They burrowed under the blanket.

“How?”

“I mean… will we stay here?”

She did not want to go outside again, not for a while. Outside was too quiet, too cold. The streets were empty, but they had been corpses. Judai had finished off one of the turned with the shovel. Icy-grey metal had scraped on the concrete. Rei had given a shudder. Stupid curiosity had demanded she pry open a gap between her fingers, and she had seen the last flash of silver colliding with red, then blood on his hands. Then, the body had fallen.

Outside was full of the dead. _God knows how many corpses to bury,_ Asuka had said.

She did not appear certain. The silence was awkward.

“I’m not sure,” she said, finally. “It depends. We might stay here if you need to recover. We have food and water. We can stay and rest here, if you like. There’s a store nearby.”

Rei did not know the area well enough. “A… a big one?”

“Bigger than the place we found you near. It’s big enough. We can stay here a while, but… not forever. Nothing will last.”

“How long, though?”

“As long as we need to.”

Suddenly, Rei’s hands were clinging to the bedsheets below her, instead. Her whole body felt like an anchor. _Warm house, warm lives - warm breaths, not outside where it’s cold, not where I’m alone, and not home. Please, I don’t want to go home…_

Guilt washed over her in a flush. “I don’t want to be holding you back.”

Asuka turned to her, eye to eye, and she froze. It was sudden. She could not move - but she could feel her heart thrum as eyes looked back at her. They were not strict, but they were firm, adult eyes. The face before her was tired, and broken, but it was one she knew she had to listen to.

“You’re not.”

The look in Asuka’s eyes was steely; definite, certain. Rei tried to open her mouth to object, but stopped halfway, slightly agape and uncertain. It made her feel strange on the inside, some feeling she could not describe, even if Asuka’s words were things she could not fully believe.

“But…” She tried to say something, but the thought she had in her mind broke off. The little voice in the back of it, the same one that had told her to die, was starting to shout. _Liar, liar,_ it said: l _iar, don’t listen to her, you know you’re a burden…_ “But I am. I mean, you came out for me…”

“We did. But you’re not a burden. You’re a good person.”

“Good?”

It made no sense, not to her. She had come out of her house and into a stranger’s. She had used water and eaten their food and fallen asleep on a bed that was not, and would never be hers.

“Yes. You matter. You survived out there. You’re brave, Rei, and we couldn’t leave you. Not now, not in… not in the midst of all of this happening.”

Asuka’s head dipped into her hands, and Rei could not help but look up. “Not after everything.”

In her voice, at the edge, was a sound Rei remembered: the sound of tears.

The past month had been hell. She had tried to not think about it; what she knew lay behind the living room door, what she pretended she had not heard, or smelled, or had nightmares about, red seeping through the gap between the door and the floor. She could not imagine Asuka’s past. Her brother had not been lost to the turned, not in front of her eyes like she had seen Marty being pulled down. She had heard Marty screaming - but Asuka had nothing, not even a voice or a phone call. Her brother had gone, and what had happened, she would never know.

Was that it? _Is that why you’re so protective of me? Because you miss your family?_

Rei could not think of how to reply.

“I… I miss my family.”

It was the first thing on her mind, short and dry.

The silence that followed made Rei regret ever saying it out. It felt awkward to hear nothing back. Asuka was not crying, but she was not saying anything, either. What she thought of her, Rei could not begin to guess. The older girl’s eyes were concealed in her hands, and she could barely make out the movement of lips once she spoke.

“I know. I do too.”

She felt the familiar arm wrap around her again. Instincts kicked in, and Rei found herself leaning onto Asuka’s shoulder, the arm dipping down to wrap her into a half-embrace. It fought to keep the towel, and the blanket both on her, but pulled her in at the same time, the other hand sweeping gently into the inky tangle that was her hair.

She did not want her to let go, and she leaned in further. Asuka’s scent was different from the ones she remembered, from her stepmother’s floral perfume. She could smell sweat, and a small hint of what was probably fish eaten that morning, but she could not blame her. Food in itself was a pleasant thing, and it made her think of warm dinners at home, when all of her family had been there, alive, around one table, and each one had been happy.

Softly, she pulled away from the hug. She was still nestled in the blanket and wrapped in Asuka’s fuzzy pink towel, but being a distance away, she could see sadness in Asuka’s eyes.

She heard her sigh, and pulled the towel closer.

“I can’t,” she said, shaking her head, “I still can’t believe it. How all of it happened.”

Rei could not, either. It had been far too sudden: one night, and normal life had come to an end.

“…It just did, and… God, I don’t get it. I think about it, but it _doesn’t make sense.”_

“What do you mean?” Rei asked, prying.

“How it all happened. I don’t know if I should be telling you this. It’s just been on my mind.”

“Tell me.” Now she was curious. If something had alarmed Asuka, then she needed to know, too. Her mind thirsted to know. Her hands jittered with apprehension.

“It’s strange,” Asuka continued. “I mean, how fast it all happened. It doesn’t make sense how it did. How it was so fast. How something… how something like this was even possible. And on this scale.”

It was true, Rei realised, eyes widening. One night had been far too sudden. Everywhere had come to a halt, enough for nobody to answer the phone. She had lost all connections, and then the heat in the house. Only by luck had there still been water - fresh water, not poisoned, she remembered, thinking back to how she had stared at the liquid that pooled in her cup, wondering if a small sip that morning would kill her one day.

“The virus got brought over here. I think that’s what they said on TV. They found it in monkeys, and that was months before all of this happened. It wasn’t dangerous. Nobody got ill. And if they did, then there was nothing in the news about it. And then, this. This was just sudden.”

Rei had never been keen on watching the news. Her parents both did. She and Marty had skulked past the room while the television was on after dinner, hoping there was something better on on some other channel. She had heard the report the night before she had lost everything, but it had been just another announcement. It had scared her, but she had gone on, and not paid it mind.

It had been a mistake.

“They said it was just monkeys, and only transmitted through bites. And then… suddenly, it wasn’t them any more. It was us. And then the virus went airborne and got everyone. And that was a day. Maybe two days. Did they keep it a secret?”

Rei wished it was not true, but the pieces were there. They were a mess. The puzzle was not coming together, and knowing it scared her.

“But… but why?”

“Maybe, they didn’t want us to panic. Or maybe they didn’t know it got out. Or… I don’t understand, but it shouldn’t be real. It shouldn’t just manifest in almost everyone in less than two days. It scares me, and I don’t know why this had to happen. And I think something’s not normal about this.”

The way Asuka spoke seemed to pull Rei in, closer and closer, curious and desperate to hear more of it. What she was saying was frightening; strange, and perhaps even _mad_. Had she heard anything like it a week ago, Rei knew she would have dismissed it as nothing but delusional rabble, but this - this made sense, in the worst ways, leaving her cold and shivering down to the bone.

“It’s just… it’s just so much to deal with. I don’t know what caused it. But… I just want to know. Why did it happen? Why did everyone… turn, or die? What about us? Why us? Why did we live? Why… _why are we all still alive?”_

Her head fell into her hands, and she saw her shaking it, as if in denial.

“Asuka!”

“It’s all right. I’m just… going on about something…”

Rei could make out sobs in the mumbling. It hurt to listen to; to see someone so strong reduced to something so… helpless, she realised. If what Asuka had been thinking of was indeed real, then it was frightening. All of them were mere pawns, mere specks of dust; things that did not matter because they had survived.

_It killed so many others. Everyone else has to be dead… and we lived…_

_We had to be the mistakes._

_If this wasn’t natural, then we were the errors._

_We are mistakes._

“I… I know,” Rei murmured. Her tone sank down to the same volume. “I know we’ve lost everyone.”

Everyone who had been killed had been part of the plan. The turning had all been a part of some strategy, something Rei could not begin to describe or explain. There had been a reason. There had been some kind of plan. It had happened too fast for only an accident.

They had lost everyone, but those losses were not the accident, Rei thought. The survivors - like Asuka, like her - were the accidents. “We shouldn’t be alive, then… should we?”

The bed gave a creak. Asuka shifted, sitting up. One hand rubbed at her eyes, fighting back tears. “Don’t say that.”

Rei froze. “But - “

“I don’t know. All I said was just my idea. Even if it is like that, though, then that can’t be right.”

“But if we survived - “

“Then I won’t let it be right.” She stood up, staring ahead at the mirror. Her eyes looked into the reflection, as tall as she was. “I just won’t believe that we’re all the mistake. And we’re not the mistake. We’re the proof that we’re stronger than that. Stronger than whatever it is they threw at us, whatever happened.”

“Asuka…”

“We might have survived when all the rest didn’t. And that’s what defines us. We survived. We’ve been hit hard, but… but we still have those two. We all have each other. We’ll be all right.”

Something about her reminded Rei of a hero, of some actress in costume in some flashy movie, rays of light illuminating her hair and strong arms swinging out into battle. The light was not bright enough, and what Asuka wore was far from heroic - but the way she turned around, somehow stronger in spite of the pinkish-red ringing her eyes made Rei’s heart skip a beat, seeing just whom she had been admiring.

She tried to say something. The words didn’t come. Still, she felt stronger, somehow, in a way that she could not describe. Her words had shaken her, badly, but they had brought her back from the brink. It confused her, as did the new thoughts she had given her. Things had yet to make sense, but some things already did, and it made her want to follow.

Mirroring her, she stood up, grasping at her towel. The blanket fell from her shoulders. “I… I guess I’ll try.”

It wasn’t as certain as Asuka had sounded. Still, Rei thought, she was trying.

A faint blush emerged on Asuka’s cheeks. “That’s good. But…”

Her voice broke off for a moment. Silently, Rei saw her dip her head low, giving it a shake as if to deny something. It wasn’t pain on her face, but something… different, she realised. For a moment, she thought it might have been a little embarrassment.

“Sorry if all of this scared you,” she breathed out, still shaking her head. She was ashamed, Rei realised as she caught on. “I shouldn’t have blurted all of this out. I didn’t mean to. We’re meant to be keeping you safe, and here I am, talking about all of this crap.”

“It’s all right,” Rei insisted.

Asuka sighed. “I’ve just… been like this a lot…”

Rei only stood there, unsure of what to do next. Asuka was clearly distressed, but she had nothing to say back. It shamed her. How she could be so weak, so useless as to not say a thing to someone who had done so much for her - all of it felt like a stone in her heart, sinking down. She wanted to speak, but she couldn’t.

It was Asuka that broke the pain of the silence. “…You want to go grab some clothes?”

Rei had to pause for a moment. The topic had changed a little too suddenly. “Huh?”

“We’ve got food downstairs. Breakfast,” Asuka said, looking out towards the door. “I’ll go make sure those two have left something for you. I doubt they would eat what I told them to save, but come down. Come and eat.”

It was then that Rei realised just how empty her stomach was. She had not eaten since sometime the previous afternoon. It had only been a small snack. She had slept far longer than normal, she realised; she could not recall when she had fallen onto the bed, but all of her felt empty, in need of some kind of food.

She was not in her house. She had others around her. There was something to eat, too.

Rei nodded. Hunger guiding her on, she took a few steps before realising what she had on. The towel alone felt a little wrong. “I left my clothes in the bathroom.“

“I’ll get them,” Asuka finished for her. “You can wear those, or use mine.”

“I’ll just wear what I have,” Rei confessed. “I’ll be all right.”

It was pleasant to have hospitality. She could not lie: the pink towel around her felt less like a towel and more like a treasure, and the offers of food and fresh clothes made her think of being a guest. Maybe, she thought, it felt like a little bit much for someone like her. Only days ago had she been in a house of her own, but she had been lonely, and starving, and chilled to the bone.

She had company this time. She had others. The voice in her mind was still there, but for a while, it was silent.

“I’ll be fine,” she repeated. “I’ll be fine.”

She did not like telling lies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you to [sexystarmie](http://sexystarmie.tumblr.com) on tumblr for the beautiful art. Go and give her some love if you can, she deserves a whole load of it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My headcanons are different for every AU I write... I guess I just want to explore things.
> 
> Warning: quite a bit of blood/graphic injury in this chapter, also unintentional (on behalf of the characters) misgendering.

Six peaceful days passed in the house. On the seventh, Rei woke up to a gunshot outside.

She had not known it was a gunshot the moment it happened. It had been sudden and loud, but to her, it had not been any more than a loud bang, something mundane. Perhaps, something had fallen over, or a firework had gone off - but it had alarmed her. Fireworks did not go off alone, and there had been none in the house.

Alarmed, like a rocket, she darted out of bed. It jerked her awake. She almost tripped over as she ran down the stairs.

The back door of the house echoed and slammed.

“Shou? Shou, what the fuck - “

Asuka rushed past, into the kitchen. Judai followed straight after. Rei darted straight after, heart in her throat.

Shou was on his knees - he had fallen, she realised - desperately clutching his arm. His fingers were sticky. Between and above where he was gripping his arm, his jacket had been torn. The sleeve was soaked in blood, turning bottle-green fabric to brown. His hair was a mess, strewn over his shoulders. His hat was missing.

“He - fuck, Asu… he tried to, he shot me…”

Rei almost screamed out.

“He shot you?”

“No - no, he tried to,” Shou gasped out loud, almost crying with pain. “He missed me… I ran, got it on the railings… the wire…”

Asuka turned around. “Judai! Med kit, now! Fast!”

“All right! Hold on!”

He had no time to reply before he was already running, out of the kitchen and past Rei, shoving past her in a rush. Rei heard him apologise, but by then he was gone, most likely to the living room, digging through some of the bags.

Rei stood there, frozen, trying to make sense of the sight; of Shou tumbling face-first to the ground, of Asuka trying to reach out for him, asking him to move his hand to check how deep the gash was, of his blood spurting onto the floor and pooling around.

The wound looked deep. Rei felt her stomach churn, looking away. Her eyes closed, and she saw familiar visions again: more blood, her parents, Marty’s face just before they had grabbed him. They had taken him - pinned him down - and then, Rei had screamed, slamming the door behind her and holding it still, eyes squeezing shut and fighting back tears, hearing the last of her stepbrother crying out, calling and calling -

“Rei!”

She let out a scream, audibly this time.

“Rei, go upstairs. He’ll be all right, you don’t need to see this!”

“I’m fine!” She lied, feeling the sickness in her belly rising and falling again. It was getting worse.

“Rei, I’m serious. We’ll tend to him.”

“Let me help, then!”

“Rei, you - “

“You said I’m one of you, right?”

Teeth gritted, she looked straight at Asuka. Down on her knees, her own hand sticky with Shou’s blood, she looked almost small.

The sigh that came from Asuka’s lips was a weak one, almost as painful as the wound she was trying to tend to. “All right,” she mumbled. “Get some water, but stay back once Judai brings me the med kit.”

Rei complied, grabbing a cup and filling it with water. Looking back, she saw the back door was still open. A thin trail of drops, smudged by Shou’s footprints, marked where he had been, and where he had ended up.

“Should I close the door too?”

“Careful!” Asuka screamed. Rei almost spilled the water. “Be careful. Shut that door if you can, but don’t dare go outside. He’s got a gun out there.”

“Who?”

“I’ll explain later. Just shut the door and don’t go outside.”

Rei nodded. She turned around, heart in her throat, and crept closer to the back door. Through the glass, she could not see anything, nor anyone, but it was that in itself that sent feelings of horror through her. There was no-one around - but there was, and they were hiding, she thought. They were still out there, and they had almost killed Shou.

_Why did they shoot him? Who shot? Is someone alive?_

_There is,_ Rei realised. _We aren’t alone._

For the first time, the thought of not being alone left her far from happy.

Edging closer and closer, she took a breath in. She could see no-one. Gasping, she pushed shut the door. Her hands grasped the key and locked it, twisting and turning more than she needed. She was still in a panic when she checked the handle, and when she was sure it was locked, she turned around again, sighing. Her pulse would not rest.

By that point, Judai was there, down on his knees, getting out what looked to be antiseptic and bandages. Shou was still gasping with pain. His hand was glued to the blood on his arm, and it shook as Asuka gently pried it away.

“Quickly!”

Judai pushed up the torn sleeve, exposing the wound. Under the sleeve, Rei saw, was yet another bandage, a little above most of the blood; unrelated, but frightening still. The gash below made her wince.

“Will - will he be all right?” She shivered, backing away until she hit a counter.

Asuka looked back, her own hands dampening with blood that was not hers. “We’re trying our best. You head on upstairs.”

“Can I help any more?”

“There isn’t much else,” she commanded. “You did your bit. This isn’t pleasant at all. You’re better off not seeing the details.”

“But - "

“He’ll be all right. We’ll fix things.”

Judai’s eyes were as shocked and as scared as her own, but there was hope there, too; a strange kind of hope that Rei knew she did not have. It was almost experience, almost a prophetic knowledge that she did not want to question.

“I…."

“It’s all right. You go upstairs. We’ll fix breakfast once we’re done fixing this.”

“…All right.”

She had not eaten since the night before, and had woken up hungry, but the hunger was gone now. The sight of blood and pain had rid her of all feeling. Her heart was still leaping, as fast as it had been going when she had tried to get out of her house a week prior, when she had walked into one of the turned.

Rei sighed, and excused herself out of the kitchen in silence.

She tried to not think of the blood as she lumbered upstairs. The days before had been peaceful. She had spent them in Asuka’s house, reading her books and trying to make something out of what was otherwise relative quiet. It had not been like living at home. There had been nothing to hide behind locked doors, and nothing to fear in the night - and there had been food, she thought, feeling her stomach rumble.

It had felt different to eat at a table again, with all of the others. Eating out of tins and packets was something her parents would not have approved of - but it was breakfast and dinner together, all the same, and she had let herself think of the past. She had laughed when someone had made small talk while picking at beans, or tossed her a piece of chocolate that they had brought back from the nearby store. They had shared what they could. Asuka had given her another towel, and another blanket when the cold had started getting to her.

The electricity had been shut out for weeks. In the evenings, they had lit up candles and flashlights. Asuka had given out extra blankets, and one more had been added after raiding a store. Winter would come soon, Rei knew. Outside, the leaves were already red, a little bright to be rust and a little light to be blood.

Sighing, she fell down onto the bed - Asuka’s parents’ bed, she reminded herself. Asuka had let her take it, but it would never be hers. The house was Asuka’s. She could not go back to her own.

She had asked her, a few days before, where her parents had gone. Asuka had sighed at the memory, thumbing the frame of a fallen photograph.

The weekend before the outbreak had been their wedding anniversary.

Her eyes drifted up to the ceiling. The sky had been empty completely for more than a month. There had been no planes. Her ears had not caught the sound of helicopters. They were alone, on the ground, and barely alive - all of them, but they were together, and they would live.

It was what she had hoped.

Rei shut her eyes, and thought of Shou bleeding.

She tried to think of other things, but the image kept on coming back. Downstairs, the voices were quieter. She changed into her clothes - the ones she had brought, not Asuka’s, as much as she had appreciated the hospitality - and paced around, trying to think of something more pleasant.

She did not know how long she had been pacing when she heard footsteps, then saw Judai’s face peering from around the doorframe, telling her it was fine to come down.

In silence, she did.

The blood was gone from the floor, just as it had been cleaned away at her house. Shou ate with the rest of them, a little quieter than usual, but still present.

Rei thought of asking Asuka or Judai, or him, about who had fired the shot, but could not find the words.

That day was quiet. Rei felt like a ghost in the house, drifting aimlessly from one room to the next. She had finished one book, and had gone on to another. She scrawled on what paper she had, but her thoughts came to nothing. There was only so much.

She thought of asking Asuka when they would go out, but the sound of the gun ringing clear in her mind stopped her partway. Her feet had led her upstairs, back onto the bed she had taken. There was just too much pain. It felt like too much to even ask about going outside, after the sight of blood and agony that mornings, after who or whatever lay out there had almost killed one of her own.

Hours drifted by, and with it came a return to life. Doors were opening and closing again. Lunch was called for and eaten. She spent more time wandering around through the house, and played a quick paper game with Judai, before he and Asuka had gone to fetch a few more supplies.

They had been scared to head out alone, even if the streets had felt empty outside.

Outside, Rei swallowed as she thought, were probably more than corpses. Outside were the last of the turned, and the one who had fired the gun.

She still did not know who it was, or why they had tried to shoot - to kill Shou.

Shou had not seemed like a bad kind. Asuka and Judai trusted him. He was more terrified sometimes than ever he was terrifying. Even the way he looked; with wide eyes and his hair a mess of fluff around his face, beginning to grow out long enough to trail past his shoulders, he did not seem at all threatening.

Of everyone in the house, Judai was probably the most dangerous-looking. Even he had only looked that way with a knife in his hand. Unarmed and at home, he was usually relaxed, or neck-deep in some kind of venture outside. He and Asuka, or he and Shou usually, would come back with food and supplies. There would be no news of any more death.

Outside seemed quiet - and yet, someone had shot.

Someone was out there.

The house had turned silent, Rei realised. Asuka and Judai were out. If Shou was downstairs, then she could not hear a thing.

_Don’t tell me - please, don’t -_

Her mind jumped to conclusions. The beat of her heart followed suit, far too quickly.

Had the wound been that bad? Rei squeezed shut her eyes, trying hard to stay hopeful, but the silence was deadly enough.

She had to see it.

Without any more thoughts, she kicked herself up off the bed and left the room. Her footsteps shook as she treaded downstairs, heart beating like a small drum in her chest. The door to the living room was open, as if inviting. She could see sunlight peering out from the room. It seemed to call, like a spotlight, drawing her in.

Rei reached the bottom of the stairs and stayed. Her breaths meshed with the silence. Listening in, she made out more breaths; ones that could not be hers. Shou was in the room, and he was breathing.

He was not dead.

Carefully, she peered in past the door. It gave a small creak.

Shou turned around on the couch, a little surprised but otherwise fine. “Rei?”

Her eyes widened. He did not look too badly beaten, save for his arm. He had changed clothes, too. His torn jacket was gone, replaced by only a simple shirt with his older bandages peering out from under the sleeve, and the newer ones more overt.

“…Can I come in?” She asked, trying to think of how best to speak to him. If he was still shocked, then she knew he had to be left be, but she wanted to know all that had happened, curiosity within her on fire.

“Sure."

It came out a lot calmer than she had expected. Still nervous, Rei came in and sat down on the floor, amidst some cushions that she had left scattered the day before. Her attempts to make a nest had not been successful, but the cushions were soft, and comforting to sit on. Asuka had not minded. She had only smiled in her direction as she had been trying to arrange them.

Uncertainly, she looked up, trying hard to think of the words.

“Shou?”

“Hm?” He turned to face her, looking down a little from his place on the couch.

Rei hesitated. “Are - are you all right? I mean, will you be all right? After - ”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” he sighed, his uninjured arm drifting towards the bandages. Pale fingers drew lines down the layers. “It’s not hurting as bad.”

“What happened to you?”

Too direct, Rei realised. She looked down, trying hard not to blush. If Shou did not want to answer, then it was her own fault. The wounds were still fresh.

The way he looked back - and she saw, looking up slowly - made her think that he understood. Softly, he cleared his throat, but it did not help much. When he finally spoke, his voice was deeper than usual - quieter, as if keeping a secret hushed.

The walls did not echo. They were alone in the house, but there was no need to be loud.

“This morning?”

“Yes.”

“Ah, well… there’s this guy we’ve been seeing a while now. He’s from around here, and we ran into him before. He doesn’t want to stay with us,” he sighed. The weight of the incident still heaved on his chest. “He… he doesn’t like us.”

“Why? Isn’t it best if we stay together? Like… like Asuka said?”

“…I don’t think he’s forgiven us.”

Rei stared back, eyes wide. “Why? What happened?”

Shou let out a sigh, as if debating whether to speak. His hands came a little closer to one another, needing to fidget. “We… we broke into his house.”

“…What?”

“We - we thought he’d turned. We heard sounds, and - and that’s why we broke in, we thought we’d check things, and he was alive.”

“But - but Judai said you guys didn’t go into places - “

“We try not to.” The look in Shou’s eyes did not look quite honest, but as he sighed again, thinking back to the memory, Rei tried to relax. “That was a while back, but… he still doesn’t like us. And we didn’t think he had a _gun.”_

The word itself felt like a bullet. Rei had never seen anyone wielding a gun outside. It terrified her. Someone out there had the power to kill instantaneously, without so much as a regret - without the sight of blood, or the feeling of hot blood and warm flesh -

 _Marty,_ she thought again, _Marty…_

“But why? I mean… was that why he shot you?”

“Probably,” Shou shook his head. “I don’t know why he hates us that much. He saw me this morning and shouted at me. Then he got the gun and shot. Or tried to. He missed. This is all from one of the fences down the road. I ran too close, and it cut me.”

The image was still far from pleasant. How deep the cut was, Rei was not certain. She had not seen enough, and did not want to see the bloody gash again.

Her gaze moved up, towards the start of Shou’s sleeve, where a different set of bandages peeked out. She had seen them before, that same morning, but not on any of the days before that. In the week since she had met Shou, she had never seen him with short sleeves, or in tight clothes of any kind. Only that morning had she glimpsed something on his arm, above his new wound.

He had been injured before.

“Is that how you got the other one on your arm?”

Shou looked surprised for a moment. “Where?”

“There was a thing,” Rei gestured on her own arm. “There. Just above.”

Carefully, Shou mirrored her actions. His free hand pulled up the sleeve, then moved gently towards the other set of bandages, as if checking whatever was beneath them for any improvement.

“…Oh? That?”

Seeing her stare so intensely, he pulled the sleeve back down. “I… that wasn’t from that. I… I cut myself. By mistake. A while back.”

“Oh.”

“It’s all right now, it was a little while back…”

Rei could only hope it did not hurt. Looking at it, something had made her feel a little uneasy. Shou had been a little too fretful for her to be certain that he was not lying.

If he did not want to show her, then she could not make him. There was not much that she knew about Shou. He had always been there, but rarely had the two of them been like they were at that moment, alone. Now, she had the time to ask whatever she wanted. Judai and Asuka were out.

She was curious, still.

“Shou? Can I… ask you something?” Rei hesitated. Her head was full of questions, and all of them threatened to spill out at once.

He turned onto one side, towards her, still on the couch. “What is it?”

“Are you… really eighteen?”

It felt a little rude to ask, but she could not restrain herself. She had mistaken him for a girl at first sight. Asuka and Judai had always called him a ‘he’, and Rei did not question it, but he looked young for eighteen.

“Huh? Yeah. I am… I mean, why? What’s up?”

“Nothing,” Rei shook her head, trying to not sound embarrassed. “It’s just… when we first met, I… I thought you were a girl, and then, when you weren’t, I thought you were my age.”

The room filled with silence. Shou’s gaze flickered from side to side, down and back to Rei again, as if trying to think. His hands came together, fingers needing to touch one another for comfort. It felt awkward, Rei realised. She had probably asked him something uncomfortable, she realised in shame.

He spoke up in the midst of the silence, quieter than before. “…Is it because of how I look?”

“Yes - I mean, kind of… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to - “

“It’s fine.” He let out a sigh, shaking his head. The look in his eyes was one of distress, and Rei sat straight up, wishing she was brave enough to stand up and comfort him.

In that instant, she regretted saying any of it.

“Shou?"

He waved a hand, as if to push it aside. “I get that a lot. Well, I used to, anyway. Not with Judai and Asuka.”

“Oh, right,” Rei mumbled. She did not know what to say next.

“Don’t worry,” he continued, looking up again. His tone still seemed a little upset, but he continued all the same. “I mean, back at school, it was worse. My family kind of… didn’t get me for a long time, either. I was kind of scared to talk to them, too. And Ryou, I guess.”

The name was brand new. “Ryou?”

“My brother.”

“You have a brother?” Rei exclaimed, immediately thinking of Asuka.

“Yeah. He’s two years older than me. Same age as Asuka’s brother. She told you about him, right?” Rei nodded, and Shou continued. “My brother’s at university, but… we still see each other a lot. Well, we used to, anyway.”

“What’s he like?”

Still curious - now more than ever - she took one of the cushions and scooted over, a little closer to the couch. She thought of asking him to move so she could sit on it, too, but decided against it, eyes still drifting to stare at the bandages, thoughts full of the sight of blood from the horror of the morning.

Shou did not object. His eyes welcomed her closer, far from the sorrowful look he had worn only moments ago when she had doubted him. Once she was closer, and more comfortable, he continued.

“My brother? He’s intimidating - well, sometimes. He never shouted at me. He was just kind of… distant, but he was nice,” he recalled, smiling faintly at the memories. “He got me this, too.”

His uninjured arm dipped, reaching into the pocket of his jeans. Rei could not see much - not with the pocket being on the side furthest from her - but her eyes widened as she saw what he took out. It was small; silvery, shiny, no bigger than a cigarette lighter, and with a quick flick and the flash of a blade, Rei realised she was looking at a well-made Swiss Army knife.

Her heart thrummed at the sight of the knife, and relaxed when Shou clicked it back into place again. “That’s… pretty nice.”

“I guess it reminds me of him. “ Shou held it tight in his hand, blue hilt gleaming between light-coloured fingers. His eyes were transfixed, full of longing and pride. “He gave it to me. He said he was going to save it for my birthday, but… after what happened, he said it was better if I took it before.”

“Oh,” Rei exclaimed. “When is your birthday?”

“25th of September. That’s like… two weeks ago.”

Rei’s own birthday had been in the middle of summer, in the sweltering heat. She had turned thirteen then, and she had been innocent.

“I… I’m sorry,” she said, thinking back to her happiness, and the misery Shou had probably gone through.

“It’s all right,” he shook his head. “It’s not your fault, anyway.”

For once, Rei was certain she was not to blame, but it hurt all the same. It hurt to think back to happiness, when all of it was long gone. She would not be happy like she had been ever again, and neither would Shou. Her family, her friends, and all that she had was gone. The house had brought her some happiness after being alone, but it was not the same. No matter how many more birthdays any of them would see, none of them would be like they had been before the end of the world.

It hurt. Suddenly, the silver peeking out from the hilt of Shou’s knife seemed to call.

“Your brother,” Rei said, forcing aside the thought. “You said he gave you the knife. Was that before…?”

Shou shook his head. Rei swallowed. “No. After it happened.” He let out a sigh, and Rei understood immediately what he had meant. “My dad and brother survived, and my mother turned. Then… only Ryou and I got out alive.”

“Is Ryou still…”

“I don’t know. I don’t.”

The sound of it made Rei’s blood chill. She had not seen anyone other than Shou, Asuka or Judai around the house. For a moment, she thought of Marty again, before turning back to Shou and continuing to listen, seeing that he had not finished.

She heard the sound of him shifting around on the couch, and looked up. Shou had sat up, and swung his legs over, down to the floor. His hand guided her to the free seat on the couch. Rei obeyed. She took the place next to him, and leaned back.

Moving onto the couch, she admitted, felt a lot better.

“We were on our own,” he continued, “and he… he said to me that he was going to go out and find food. If he didn’t come back by morning, he told me to go on without him.”

Ryou was not at the house. The story had ended, Rei realised. Ryou was dead, just like Marty was, and her parents - and Shou’s parents, too, she thought. All of them were gone. Asuka’s parents had not come back, either. They were alone in the house - and alone for good, she concluded. There would be no more company coming to stay. All that was out there was the wandering man with the gun, and countless turned and half-eaten corpses locked up in their own prisons; their own icy-cold houses.

There was no way out. There was no hope for any of them.

“I’m sorry,” Rei repeated again. The thought weighed down on her chest like dark lead.

“Yeah,” Shou sighed. “I just don’t know. I mean, I met Judai a few days after I lost him. Then Asuka. I wouldn’t have met them if I hadn’t left. But… I don’t know. I wanted to stay. To carry on waiting.”

“But if he - “

“That’s the thing, Rei. I… I don’t know why, but I just have this feeling.”

He looked up for an instant, his hair spilling down past his shoulders, fringe falling into his eyes and concealing the tell-tale shine of oncoming tears.

“I have this feeling. I think my brother’s alive. It just… I don’t know. I mean, he never came back, but… I just think… I just think he’s still alive, and he’s out there.” His hands clutched at his knife. One lone finger, sporting a cut, traced down the silver and blue of the handle. “And… that’s why this is important to me.”

Rei had no such thing. There were small things that she had brought from her house: a notebook, something to read, her clothes and the baseball bat she had taken out with her, but they were trivial things. Her old photographs were still there, lying on the floor of her room. Her phone was buried somewhere in the mess. Her old bears were discarded; here, there and everywhere.

Shou continued, as if mourning, but not quite believing. “It reminds me of him, and I know that he’s out there. And one day, no matter what, I know I’ll find him again. Even if he isn’t alive any more. I just want to believe. Ryou wouldn’t die so easily. I just… I just want to see him…”

His voice broke into sobs. Rei tried to lean in. Shou stopped her with his palm.

“It’s… it’s all right,” she tried to say. If he did not want to be touched, then she would leave him be, but it hurt to say nothing. He was as helpless as she had been in her house; just as broken, just as lost, even with the living around and shelter away from the dead.

“Yeah. I guess. I just wish I was a little stronger. I want to get out there and find him. I… there’s so much I still want to do. I want to go out there again. I… I don’t want anyone to think I’m weak.”

He looked back at her, one hand roughly swiping at the drops in his eyes.

Rei shook her head. “You’re not.”

“Still, it’s up to us to protect you. You’re younger than us, and I’m older. I’ve got to do my part.”

“I’m not weak,” Rei insisted, trying to look brave with her shoulders back. “ You know, I did taekwondo.”

“Really?” Shou looked over, bemused.

“Yup. Blue belt.”

He looked impressed for a moment. “Still,” he heaved, “you can’t put yourself in the firing line.”

If it was a joke, then she did not laugh.

The pressure of a familiar hand on her shoulder pressed down, not harshly enough to hurt, but it felt strange nonetheless. Turning back, she met concerned eyes, and the feeling of fear deep down in Shou’s chest, that pooled in the murky depths of Shou’s eyes. For a moment, there was nothing but silence as he searched for the words, but could not put them together, biting his lip in thought as his hold on her tightened.

He shook his head at her, and his other hand joined the first on her shoulders.

“Still, you know it’s dangerous out there. I went out on my own, and I shouldn’t have. _We_ don’t usually go out on our own, and we’re older. It’s dangerous,” he almost pleaded at her, eyes meeting eyes and staring deeper and deeper.

Rei gave a shiver at the look, but fought to shake off the hints of her doubt. “Are you guys worried about me?”

Shou nodded, hands staying firm and looking straight. Something in his eyes told her he did not want to break away, even as his grip loosened, realising that he had probably hurt her.

“Yes,” he stated, giving an honest nod as he repeated it. “Yes, we are. I know it sounds cruel, but you’re still a kid. You don’t need to put yourself in harm’s way for us. We’re supposed to be the adults here.”

“I don’t need adults.”

 _Adults. People._ Memories flooded her mind in an instant. In the back of her head, and as she closed her eyes for a second, trying to fight it away, the onslaught of thoughts came in a stream. She was on the floor in the kitchen again, the ice of the floor freezing clothed feet, hands sweating as she clenched the bat in her hands. Her fingers would not listen.

Her head spun with sickness. There were sounds, growing louder and louder the harder she tried to get it out of her brain. She could hear groaning and ripping. The slam of a door rang in her ears, then shouting. She could not think, or see straight - the world in her head was suddenly shaking and beating, scratching at her like something from a nightmare - voices were calling, and ones she remembered - and Marty was _screaming…_

“Rei?”

Shou’s voice startled her. The visions went black. For a moment, Rei could not focus at all - not on what was in front of her, not even the feeling of Shou holding her. She did not feel how heavily she had started to breathe - not until she noticed Shou leaning forward, his hold having changed to support her, both hands lowered from her shoulders to her upper arms.

“I’m fine,” she breathed out, shaking her head. “I just…”

He leaned in a little more, looking her in the eyes again as she forced herself to look up. The look that met her, staring right back, was not one of inexperience.

“Bad memories?”

Rei shook her head, but his hands were still there.

“I don’t need adults,” she spat, regretting the words as they spilled, but they could not be taken back, and she knew it. The bitterness in her mouth seemed to move to her eyes, stabbing into the corners.

“I don’t need them. I had Mom and Dad.”

_Liar._

“Marty,” she mumbled. “I had Marty. And I let him die.”

This time, she was the weak one. She could feel herself on the verge of collapse as she fell into Shou’s arms. His heart thrummed against her own as she almost fell. The thoughts were too much, too frequent; the voice in her head growing back into a whisper. She could feel it telling her to die. She could hear it in detail, even as Shou tried to whisper to her, tried to hold back her head and run his hand through her hair.

It was not enough.

None of it was, and Rei let herself cry.

She hated herself as she did, knowing that Shou was likely uncomfortable, and that it probably hurt his arm to lean on it too much, or for him to raise it up as he did to hug her. He did not complain, and it hurt to think of what he had to be hiding within. What Shou had seen was different from what she had witnessed on the day she had let Marty die, but in the embrace, he felt almost like kin.

For a moment, through tears as she cried, Rei thought she saw the same guilty blood on his hands.

Her hands were clean, as were his. They were not who they had been, but they had seen death, both of them. Both has lost their parents to the virus. Ryou was dead, and she knew it - and she was sure at that moment that it was the truth, and Shou knew it too.

Still, she took in the relief, and she cried. Shou continued to whisper.

“Stay strong. You’ll be all right. We’re with you. All of us are. I promise we’ll stay.”

Hearing it was one thing, but believing another. It felt too difficult, as much as she wanted to think that all would be fine. It hurt to believe. It hurt to deny. It hurt to think at all. Hope was gone, and all that was left was to cry.

“We care. You’re one of us. You’re like family.”

She could not tell which was him and which were her thoughts.

By the time she heard the click of the door and the calling of voices, she had lost the strength to keep crying. She was tired. The voice in her mind was tired, too, no longer shouting or even whispering. She could feel nothing, save for Shou still trying to comfort her.

She could barely move. Knowing Asuka and Judai had come in, and were probably staring, meant little. All of her hurt and ached; beyond her raw throat and clinging hands, beyond the sound of her confessing, over and over, that she had let Marty die.

_I killed him, didn’t I?_

She had not been enough.

As the silence finally came back after what felt like hours, she was on the verge of collapse. How long had passed, she could not tell. She was exhausted. Her throat was raw. The ache spread.

After what felt like hours, Rei finally excused herself. By then, Judai and Asuka had left the room, and Shou was looking more and more tired himself. Trying not to startle him, she lifted herself from Shou’s hold, and the gravity of the couch, and heaved herself upstairs.

The sight of the bed alone was bliss. She fell back, embracing a pillow.

Even though it felt odd to have cried - to have let herself cry, leaning against the warmth of Shou’s chest, sobbing into his clothes - it had brought with it a kind of relief. Her chest felt less heavy. Her lungs were more free to breathe. She took a breath in, then out again, eyes staring up at the ceiling. Nothing was there. It felt good.

The clock in the room was still busted, but she could hear distant ticking. Her mouth was dry. The longer she lay on the bed, the worse the soreness seemed.

 _Water,_ she thought.

Quickly, Rei sat up and began to make her way downstairs.

The stairs creaked, as they always did. Rei tiptoed down, hoping nobody would hear. There was no shame in going to get water, but she did not want to disturb anyone. Shou had already been exhausted when she had gone upstairs to rest. If he was asleep, then she did not want to wake him.

The door to the kitchen was ajar, and Rei went in freely. Trying not to spill a drop, she poured herself some water from a nearby bottle. Tap water, Asuka had said, was still an option. What still came out of the taps looked clear, and none of them had gotten sick from it. Still, she had told her: bottled water was safer, and Rei had stuck to it.

She took a plentiful sip, then poured herself more.

The glass slipped around in her hand. A few sloppy drops had made their way over the rim. Holding it tighter, Rei put the bottle back.

As it came down onto the counter with a small thunk, Rei made out voices. They were faint, too faint for her to make out words individually, but she recognised them both.

_I… I shouldn’t listen. But…_

She could still recall Shou fidgeting as he told her about the man with the gun. They had broken into a house. They had denied it once, but Shou had admitted the truth, and it made her a little uneasy. Asuka did not seem like a liar - but there was something not right. Whatever it was, it was refusing to leave. It twisted into her curiosity, and made her creep up to the doorframe, hoping nobody would notice as one eye peered in.

“You mind if I…”

“No, sit down.”

The slit between door and frame was not large, but she could see just enough. Shou was still on the sofa, right hand resting on the bandages of his arm. Asuka had sat down by his side.

Swallowing silently, the glass still in her hand, Rei listened.

Asuka’s voice was the first to break the small silence. “I know this might sound weird, but what were you doing outside? I mean, on your own?”

“I…"

“Were you trying to break into somewhere?”

 _Break in,_ Rei remembered. _Not again. Did they lie? Why would they break into anywhere? To look for others like me, or for -_

“No. Not that, just the store.”

“Did you need to get something?”

He hesitated. It was as if he had something in his throat: Rei heard him groan, then try to say something, failing and shaking his head.

“Yeah. I just… I just didn’t want to have to ask for… you know, something…”

“You can ask me. It’s our house, not just mine.”

“Yeah, but…” He sighed, head sinking into his hands in a flush. For a second, Rei thought he was crying, but he looked up quickly enough for her to see otherwise. There was only discomfort, and a lot of embarrassment, and Asuka’s hand coming a little closer to his. “It’s awkward, and… and listen, I hate it, I hate this so much…”

Asuka moved herself closer. He didn’t edge away, sighing into the support instead.

“I understand,” she said gently. “Well, I… I don’t, but you can tell us. We’re not here to judge.”

“…Listen, do you have any tampons, or something?”

It was far from what Rei had expected.

As soon as he said it, Shou’s face was back in his hands again, desperate to conceal his embarrassment. Asuka stayed. Gently, her hand moved in small circles on his back, trying to comfort.

“Hey. It’s all right.”

“It’s not. I just… it just feels so wrong. I don’t want to keep asking, but I have to. I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry about. You didn’t ask for it, either. You need them now?”

“No, I just thought I would, like maybe in a few days would be nice - “

“I’ll go get some. There’s spare ones in the bathroom. Take all of them if you like. I’ll get more next time.”

“You… you’re serious?”

“Take as much as you need. We’ve got painkillers if you need them, and… well, we can get chocolate, too, if you like. I’ll make sure Judai doesn’t eat it.”

“Asuka…”

“What?”

Wordlessly, his arms reached around her. Asuka’s eyes widened just for a moment, before she leaned into the hug. Her hand caressed down Shou’s back, and he relaxed into her, sighing with relief, and such happiness that Rei wondered how she had taken something so simple for granted.

The house was not much, but all that was in it was shared. They had come out of nothing, but they had gained something. She had company, and reassurance, and maybe, she thought, still staring out at Asuka and Shou from the slit of the open door, a little comfort, and care, and the love she had lost when her parents had turned, and when they had finally died. The sight of the two filled her with warmth. The voice deep inside was perfectly silent, just for a while - and Rei knew that if she stared any longer, she would most likely start crying.

She would not cry, but she would go to bed sighing with relief. She would sleep comfortably in a warm, blanketed bed. She would wake up the next morning, and for a few more mornings after, happier than she had been for a while.

She was not alone.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, major warning a scene involving suicide and... a very gory, unpleasant scene.

More empty days drifted by. Rei learned how to wash clothes by hand under the tap, and found that Judai was unbeatable in any card game she knew. She grew bored of eating out of tins, and started putting food onto plates and mixing them up. She was sick once, but it went away by the next morning, and the sight of sub-par tinned food no longer made her stomach turn.

She began to look out of the windows more often. Some days, she would spend hours in Asuka’s parents’ old bedroom, and stare out at the street. Nothing was out there. There were no moving humans, nor cars.

Once, she glimpsed a sight of a thickset-looking man. The flash of dark metal by his hip made her shirk back. Asuka had told her to stay back. Nobody went out of the house that day.

The mornings were quiet. Sometimes, Rei would hear birds, and wonder what they had to eat outside. Even the cats had crept away, or met their sad ends by the road. She had spied a dead animal of some kind out of the window one day, and told Shou about it. By the end of the day, it was no longer there.

She was sick of being inside, she realised. Inside was still. Outside was where she had once been. It was the rest of the world.

She was alive. They had found her. Judai had told her that they would search for others - but it seemed like a lie, Rei thought, the longer she thought. Judai and Asuka - and Shou, before he had been injured - seemed to leave the house only to come back with food. She had been kept inside.

_You’re a child. Younger than us._

The more it repeated, the emptier the words seemed to feel.

The morning Rei spent by the window seemed to drift slower than usual. She could not think of anything to do, or to stare at out of the window. She had already mapped out the road, down to the branches of trees reaching out, and counted all of the cobbles on the neighbour’s driveway - even the ones she could barely see under the shadow of a now-useless car.

Her head sank down onto the windowsill. The sky was white. There was not even a breeze as she opened the window and tasted the air.

The house was safe, but the longer she stared, the more it seemed to close in, almost like a cage.

Things no longer felt right.

Heaving, Rei dragged herself down the stairs. She had learned the position of each of Asuka’s photographs off by heart, but could not bring herself to stare back. The faces were smiling. Frozen and dull, their eyes seemed to drive holes into her as she went down, not meeting their gaze.

Downstairs was quiet. Judai was most likely out, as he usually was. It was something Rei had observed over the days she had spent at the house. Before Shou had been injured, he and Judai had been coming back with supplies, and now Asuka had replaced him. Judai seemed to take the lead. Asuka was the one who managed inside the house, but Judai led the way outside of it.

She had wondered about it for days. Once, she had thought of asking Shou, but the opportunity had been missed.

Rei pushed open the living room door and peered in.

She had been right. Judai was not there, and she had not spotted his coat on the hook either. What did surprise her was the sight of both Shou and Asuka, sat on the couch, playing cards. From the look on Shou’s face, he appeared to be losing.

He turned around with the creak of the door. “Rei? You want to join in?”

“There’s not enough space.”

Asuka turned to her, as if to invite. “We’ll sit on the floor, then. We’ll move.”

Rei looked back in dry silence. Half of her did want to join in the game, but the other half was still thirsty for knowledge. The house felt too small and too large, both at once. The walls felt like they had grown, and the inside had shrunk. Winter would come, she thought. Already, the days were being cut short, and the darkness was fast to fall.

Tonight would be like the evenings before: lit with flashlights and candles. She would sleep in two blankets.

She reached for one of the cushions, tossed to the floor. Her mind was elsewhere. “…Asuka?”

“Yes?”

“What’s the outside like?”

The answer was clear. She saw it from the window each day. It had been, and would be empty; dead, lonely, with the rare remaining turned still wandering the streets. Most were dead, or cooped up in their own, locked-up homes. Glass was intact, save for a few broken windows, the teeth of glass maws patterning down the road.

Asuka’s house had no broken windows.

The houses were never disturbed. Stores were open territory, Asuka had said once. Everything they needed could come from there. There was no need to break into any houses.

_We broke in once -_

Shou’s words still rang. They had broken in once, and it had made them an enemy; the man with the gun.

Once, she had realised laying in bed at night, had been a lie. What there was to search for in houses, Rei did not understand. If the store had whatever they needed - were they searching for something else? For someone alive, or to bury the dead?

It made Rei wonder, as much as it left her on edge. She had been lied to. She did not understand why.

Some part of her longed to go out there again.

“Well…” Asuka thought, before trying to put it into words. “There isn’t much out there. You saw it yourself.”

“Is he still out there?”

Asuka froze. “Who?”

“The… the man with the gun.”

For a moment, she saw Asuka glance over at Shou. She quickly turned back. “I suspect. He’s dangerous. It’s not safe for you out there.”

“But… he’s not there all the time, is he?”

“We still have to be careful. That’s why Shou’s staying here.”

Rei’s eyes trailed over to the bandages wound over his arm. The old and the new, the upper and lower, had both been replaced. New wraps peered out from under his shirt sleeve. There was no blood. She sighed with relief.

Shou looked back, just as anxious as Asuka. “Yeah. I mean, if it’s safer, it’s better for us to stay here.”

“How long?” Rei did not realise how desperate she sounded until she had said it. It came a little too late.

“What do you -“

“How long for? How long do we have to stay here?”

“As long as we need to,” Asuka insisted. Her expression made Rei think of her stepmother again, firm but caring under the strictness, but she did not want to think of the latter. Asuka was worried, but she was worried too much.

“You said you were looking for others. There’s more than us out there, right? Even… even that guy with the gun. Doesn’t that mean there’s more to see out there?”

“There is, but - “

“You went out and found me,” Rei pressed, unable to stop herself. “I’ve been out there. Why can’t I go with you? I’ll be fine. I’m not hurt or anything.”

“Because you’re younger. You’re better off staying here.”

She felt herself grow closer to snapping. “Does it matter that much?” Her words came out in a growl.

A sigh shivered through her ears, making goosebumps rise on her skin. She looked up, seeing Asuka looking back down. There was fear in her eyes, for definite this time amidst the furrowing of her brows. “Yes. Rei, it does.”

“Aren’t we just going to die if we stay here like this?”

“We aren’t. We’ll stay here a while, until it’s safe to go out there again.”

“And when is it safe?”

“When - when…”

Asuka hesitated. Rei stared on, unable to bear the silence. It was useless, she thought. If Asuka had something to hide, then she could tell her. She had told her, so many times, that she was one of them, one of their group - but no matter what, she would always be different. She would always be younger, and unwilling to be deceived…

“When?” Rei shouted. “When that guy’s gone? When will he be gone? He’s just going to stalk us forever, won’t he? Until we’re too scared to even step out of here. Until… until we starve, or die?”

“Rei - no, we’ll find a way - “

“What’s going on?”

Shou had peered in from the doorframe. Behind his glasses were wide, threatened eyes. His bandaged arm pushed open the door.

“Nothing,” Rei scowled. “Nothing. We’re just stuck here. Is it all really because of… because of that guy?”

He came into the room, properly this time, and sat down on the couch. His bandaged arm went up onto the arm-rest, but the other one stayed by his side. “Because of him?”

“You said there were people alive. Like I am. But we’re just like this. We’re all inside, doing nothing. Why?”

She hated it. She hated the stillness. Outside were most likely others. If Judai and Asuka only went out to get supplies, they could take her - but they had refused. The excuses were painful. Each one drew her closer to shouting, to starting some kind of argument until one of them gave in. Outside was not pleasant. Outside was not really somewhere she wanted to be - but it was different from being inside the house. It was freedom. Outside was the hope that others were out there.

Rei knew she was not a child. She would never be one again.

“We’re not doing nothing,” Shou sighed. “We… we’re trying. And we do go out there.”

“You do,” Rei pressed. “You never take me. Judai always goes, anyway.”

“Because - “

“Because I’m a kid. Because I’m so fragile. Because you don’t want me hanging around?”

“Rei, seriously - “

“Because you don’t want me breaking in and getting eaten? I know you guys break in,” she finished, straight and true. It had grown too strong to hide. Her suspicions scorched at her like flames.

Asuka’s eyes did not widen, but she did take a step closer. The sound of her footsteps made Rei freeze up with fear. Instincts kicked in and she gasped, preparing for some kind of slap.

It never came.

What came was a familiar touch, of Asuka’s hands on her shoulders. She could feel more fear in the trembling of her arms than anger. There was not enough push there for her to be angry, and it only gave anger to her _\- why are you scared? Why don’t you snap at me? After all, I just found out -_

“Rei. I swear,” Asuka breathed out, more scared than outraged. Her hands shook, and it was difficult for either of them to look at each other. “I swear, we’re doing what we can. We’re doing this to stay safe. And it’s dangerous for any of us, what with _him_ out there…”

Rei swallowed. Him. She could feel goosebumps. Asuka was right. The man who had tried to kill Shou was out there. What he wanted from them was a mystery. Why he would not listen to them, either, made her uneasy. Their situation was dire. Few had survived, and those who had did not want to work together.

The people around her seemed to be contradicting themselves, and it scared her, deep down. Not breaking into houses had not been such a great lie - but it was a lie nonetheless. They had been hiding something. Something did not feel right.

“Where’s Judai?” Rei suddenly asked.

Asuka said nothing. She glanced over at Shou, who seemed to grow awfully still on the couch. His eyes dipped low, and refused to look up.

The sound that came out of him was not much more than a mumble. “He… he went out.”

“Alone?” Asuka exclaimed, eyes widened.

“He told me not to worry -“

“Of course I’m going to worry!” She shouted, letting go of Rei and storming towards the corridor. Her hand reached for the handle of the living room door, and Rei braced herself for it to slam.

“Asuka, wait!”

“He’s gone out there on his own. I - I can’t let him, not after - “

The sentence was never finished. Shou had already stood up and picked up his pace. His hand reached for Asuka’s, but clamped around her wrist instead. Anxious eyes looked up to meet hers, and Asuka stopped, her hand resting on the door handle still and not letting go.

“It’s because of me, isn’t it?” Shou asked, voice quivering. “Because of… because of the gun.”

“No,” she replied, almost gasping in panic. “He knows. You know. It’s not just him out there. You can’t tell if anyone’s out there. If they’re _turned,_ ” she emphasised.

“But he - “

“You should know! Come on!”

It was as if they had forgotten about Rei in the room, who stood there, jaw slack and listening. They did not turn back toward her. Shou followed, just as desperate. The sounds of coats swishing against other coats sounded out.

Rei’s heart stopped. _If there’s…_ turned _out there…_

Half of her wanted to slam the door shut and run. She would cower under the covers of her warm, white-sheeted bed, and not look up again until she heard familiar voices, until they were all safe and sound - until Judai was certainly safe, and the others would be. The other half of her screamed with her heartbeat.

_Go! What are you doing, standing - get out there, go with them!_

She stood, paralysed, until one side took over and her heartbeat began to beat loud in her ears. Desperately, she looked left and right in search of something - anything - and her eye caught the smooth, familiar wood of her bat.

It had been left in the room since the first day. Quickly, she grabbed it. Even its touch - cold, hard, and somehow dangerous - sent shocks through her veins.

The air felt thicker with danger. The bat was firm in her hands. Rei took a deep breath and pulled open the door, left ajar.

The corridor was already empty. The front door was shut - but not locked from the inside, Rei hoped as she messed with the lock. It took no effort. She could see Asuka and Shou just up ahead, standing just in front of the house, in the middle of the empty road, trying to work out where to go.

The door opened. Rei did not shut it. There was no point, she thought, and she had no keys if it needed to be opened again.

Cool air reached out for her skin and ran down her face. It felt like water, or lightning, a shock so sudden that she had to think back to how long it had been since she had last stepped outside. The sky was as white as it had been through the window, but the air was far colder. Leaves had started to litter the ground. Orange mingled with red on the grey-black of the asphalt.

It was not yet cold enough for her breaths to be visible. Rei gave a shiver, realising how soon it would be.

Bat in hand, she stepped forward. The door gave a creak as it swung back behind her. Carefully, she crept out.

“…where he might have gone to…”

“He’s been going that way with me…”

Asuka pointed out the direction. Rei stayed back, uncertain if she should come forward. She would be sent back, she knew, but it felt wrong to lie. She was already a danger like this, with the bat - and from what she could see, there was only one bag between Shou and Asuka, Shou carrying it slung on his unbandaged shoulder.

Rei took a shaky step forward, hiding behind an uneven bush. Cold leaves brushed against her. Goosebumps danced up her arms. Carefully, trying not to make it rustle, she leaned out and over.

“You sure he’s - ?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know where he is.”

“Think. If he followed any patterns with you…”

“But you were last out with him,” Shou insisted. The urge to ask what they were talking about was growing more and more desperate. The idea was coming together in Rei’s mind, but only slowly - too slowly - and so much had yet to make sense.

They were talking about breaking in. Judai had been leading them.

_Just what they lied about…_

Rei looked down for a moment, and almost missed the two as she looked up. They had started to run, in the direction Shou had been pointing in. The road was open and empty ahead.

Swallowing, hoping she would not be noticed, Rei followed.

Her legs did not want to run far, and the bat in her hands was more of a dead weight than the rest of her. Even with better sleep and food to eat, Rei knew she was far from what she had been. Her hair streamed behind her as she ran, and she cursed, wishing she had tied it back beforehand. One free hand swiped at the straying locks. No matter she did, it covered her eyes and streamed around her in a mess.

Her eyes struggled to focus.

The two running ahead of her suddenly stopped. Rei halted, quickly looking around for somewhere to shelter. The road was empty. Around her were other houses, but not much else. Needing a hiding place, she ran to one of the fences.

Rei crept behind it.

She had no time to breathe before Shou and Asuka had picked up pace again. There was no choice. The two turned a corner, and Rei did the same, stopping again as quickly as they had.

This time, there was more sound than breaths and beating footsteps.

“Judai!”

She heard Shou cry out and stepped forward. It did not matter, she thought, if they saw her. They would see her all the same. It was too late to listen, too late to be told to go back. She was one of them. She deserved to know everything. She would be seeing it all, and she would not be stopped, not this time. She was not a child. She was thirteen, but she had grown up.

There was no time left to be a child at the end of the world.

She looked up ahead, and saw what had beckoned Shou to call out Judai’s name.

He was stood by one of the houses, back almost glued to the wall. Trailing ivy scratched at his neck. The trellis stuck to the house’s pale wall creaked as he breathed out - and seemed to almost slam back as Asuka raised her voice.

“Judai - what, why did you…”

“I’m sorry! I - I just thought, you know… I thought I’d go handle him on my own. I didn’t want you to get shot, too - “

“And you thought it was fine if only you died?” Asuka shouted. Her hand reached and tugged on his coat, pulling him closer. Rei froze. “Judai, you’re crazy. I could have come with you.”

“I know, but I felt like I could do it.”

“Do what?”

“I could… do something, talk sense into him. I went looking and - shit!”

Judai cursing was loud enough to make Rei’s heart race. She saw him step out suddenly, dragging Asuka with him. Shou copied, a few steps out of their reach but still looking scared. His gaze was in the same direction. Whatever Judai had seen, Shou, too, was seeing.

The window next to them was jagged. A few red spots made the shattered remains look like teeth. From the looks Judai was giving it, something was there, past the jags. Asuka’s head turned to follow.

“Stop there. Move and I shoot.”

Rei gasped at the voice. It was not familiar, but it was loud - loud enough for her to make out the anger. Her feet would not move. Everything around her felt still, as if frozen in time.

“Shit, that’s him, I didn’t - “ Judai gasped.

Asuka let go of him. “Doesn’t matter. Just run!”

“No!”

Judai stayed, frozen against the wall. Shou stepped back towards the fence. Asuka’s hands fell to her sides, but she did not back up. The footsteps grew louder. Run, Rei felt her instincts cry at her. _Get away, get away now…_

She could not move. She was a sitting duck, neither in the middle of road nor safe by the side. She would be found. Gritting her teeth, Rei clutched the bat tighter in her hands.

Slowly, she came closer and closer.

The door slammed open, making her jump. She almost let out a squeal, but held back just in time to save herself. Her eyes were wide open, transfixed on the open door and the figure that emerged out of it. The same man - it was him, she realised - stood there, shaking with what looked like anger, thicker but not as tall as she had imagined him, with a mess of a beard scratching at his chin and spilling black past his jaw.

In his hands - both of them now - gleamed his gun.

The muzzle was up in the air. Silently, it pointed out, straight at Judai and Asuka. Which one was the target, Rei could not tell, but the sight of one finger on the trigger sent her into panic.

Shou stood by the fence, halfway between moving and staying. Even from where she was, Rei could see his hands shaking in surrender.

“Let go of him.”

His voice was oddly quiet. Rei barely heard, even as her feet took her forward, against the will of whatever told her to stay alive.

Asuka had already let go. Teeth gritted, she took a step back. Judai breathed out, slumping against the wall of the house - and straightening up again, as soon as the muzzle came closer to him, close enough to touch skin.

“Good,” the man said, without a nod or a shake of the head. “Now stay back, or I fire.”

“What do you want?”

The voice that came from behind forced him to turn. His free hand slammed back at the wall, leaving Judai trapped, while the gun swung around. Rei saw Asuka tense. It was pointed at her - right at her now - not as close as it had been to Judai, but still close enough. The shot would be point-blank.

“For you to be quiet,” he demanded. “And if you won’t shut up, then at least you’ll stay still.”

His eyes were all on her. Behind her, Shou shifted back. His step was silent. The man stayed focused, hand holding Judai back and gun pointed at Asuka, unable to move an inch without losing control of either one of the two. Rei saw Shou move back again, then again. His head turned, but not far back enough. She was still barely there.

Scared, she crept back behind the bush.

“You… you want to kill us?” Asuka spoke up. Her eyes were fixed on the man, unwavering even with the barrel so close. “You want us to pay for what we did? For… for the damage?”

He let out a rough cough, throat clearly dry. “I couldn’t care less.”

“But - “

“I couldn’t care less. Everything’s over. I could shoot now and it’d be dealt with. But… but it’s not enough.”

For an instant, Rei was sure that she saw his whole body shake.

“It’s not enough,” he rasped. “It’s just not enough. I… I can’t get them back. Even if I kill you.”

 _“Them?”_ Asuka’s tone raised in surprise. “Who?”

Behind her, Judai shook his head, eyes wide, almost desperate. No sound came out of his mouth, but the way his hands shook and the look in his eyes, Rei knew she was seeing _denial._

Judai knew something, and it filled her with dread.

“Doesn’t matter. Aren’t they all the same now? To a _monster_ like him - “

He did not finish the sentence. Judai lashed out, shock flashing to anger as he pushed himself from the wall and into the larger man, throwing him off balance. He let out a cry, and reflexes kicked in. Asuka leapt to the side. Judai kicked at his legs, hands prying to try and loosen the hold on the gun.

Shou turned around. Rei had no time to edge back, and their eyes met, Shou’s fast-moving hands the only thing between himself and crying out Rei’s name in surprise.

“Rei, what - what are…”

“I… I heard, saw…”

There was no time to talk. Before the fight before them had stopped, Shou joined her on his knees by the shrub. His hands shooed her, as if to tell her to stay back, but she could not listen. Her heart pounded on, and she could not stop herself leaning in, just as he was, to try and see what was happening.

Fear flooding her insides, her legs prepared to spring and run, as fast as she could.

The worst was on the horizon.

“Judai, stay back!"

She heard Asuka scream as she struggled, moving to one side to avoid any blows. A large hand reached out, but missed, the gun in the other hand holding him back as he tried to catch Asuka’s arm and missed for the second time.

The man lunged again, looking over his shoulder. Judai was on his other side. A quick hand grabbed at the man’s wrist, and the gun pointed straight down to the ground. Judai let out a grunt, all of his strength focused.

“Stay back!” Asuka repeated. Judai did not let go.

She was met with a deep groan from the man. “Shouldn’t you be the one staying back? Aren’t you scared of him?”

“Scared? Why would I be?”

“Because I’ve seen him - “

Rei did not hear the rest. Either her ears shut off for a moment, or it all flushed out from her mind, but she did not hear the man speak. Whatever he said was silent, but the ripple cascaded into a wave - and before she could move from her place, Asuka had grabbed the man’s collar and pushed against him, letting out almost a beastly roar. Judai’s hand stayed firm on his wrist, keeping the gun down and useless.

“Say that again. Say that to me and I’ll kill you,” she snarled, her hand gripping tighter. “But don’t you dare call him - “

“Kill me, then,” he groaned under her grip, as if uncaring. “We’re all going to die, sooner or later.”

“I… I won’t. Not until you put down your weapon. Not until you take back what you said.”

“And why would I?”

“Because you’re human. You’re like us,” Asuka pressed. “You’re just as helpless. Admit it.”

She looked up, and Rei’s heart leapt into her throat. She was almost staring into the barrel of the gun. His fingers was not quite on the trigger, but it was close - close enough for Rei to wish she could jump in and fight him, even if the bullet came to hit her instead.

 _You’re a child_.

Shou’s words rang out in her mind. Her martial arts experience crumbled away. She was weak next to the gun, and he was far bigger and stronger than her. Even Asuka was reluctant to move from her place, feel anchored down to the ground.

The difference between living and dying was no longer a lunge and a bite from the turned. It was a small, single bullet, one that Asuka was not moving away from.

“…Don’t talk to me!”

The gun was still in his hand, but his other hand reached forward to slap. Asuka leaned back. The hand missed, and she gasped with relief, stepping quickly to one side. He looked at her, but did not fire. The hand with the gun dropped down, but he took a step forward. As soon as she tried to move again, it raised itself up, and she stopped.

It was useless to run, Rei realised.

“I know we’re all helpless,” he stated. “I’ve seen enough of it. It’s you that’s the problem. _Him._ I’ve seen him creeping - “

“Judai wouldn’t kill humans. If they were turned, he - “

“I swear, I didn’t touch them!” Judai was shaking his head, almost pleading. The look in his eyes was desperate, begging for her to believe.

Asuka turned back. “Judai - “

“And he’s right,” the man stated, suddenly enough for Asuka’s attention to snap back to him. “He didn’t. But he broke in for some reason, and that other one - “

_“Shou?”_

“ - and I know you were after my family, but you came too late. I killed them myself.”

He looked down at his hands, as if seeing blood that was still dripping. Whatever he was seeing, or thinking of, his hands were clean and only battered with dust.

“I’ll tell you one thing. You’re only human when there are other humans alive. You’re not human when you eat your own kind. Until you’ve seen your own kin slaughtered by their own hands. Until you watch them eating each other, until they’re both dead.”

Asuka let out a gasp. Rei felt her heart seize as the man’s rough tone dipped, enough to make her shiver at the mention of death.

“You - “

“I couldn’t do anything,” he pressed, voice quivering. “I let them do it. I failed, and then I put them out of their misery. I buried them, but… but they won’t be at peace. None of us will.”

“Wait - “

“We’re all going to die. Just like them. They die if they don’t eat. That’s why everything’s empty. Everybody’s like them. They all stayed locked up in their homes. They ate what they could find.”

“But then - “

“That’s why. They ran out of meat. And that’s all we are to them. Meat. They don’t remember us. They’re not human. My little girl couldn’t recognise me.”

Rei thought of her parents, scavenging behind the locked door. Sometimes, she had seen the yarn on the door shake, and ran straight to her room. The first time she had seen movement, she had not come out for the rest of the day, dreading the thought of what exactly had happened.

They were not her parents any more. They had changed, enough to grab their own child and pull him down - and then, Rei had locked the door and ran and cried for hours on end, realising the blame had been hers, and she had done nothing.

How old the man’s little girl had been, she could not begin to guess - but what came to her thoughts were loose plaits and summer dresses, and small hands clinging to larger ones alongside blue skies and laughter.

The laughter broke. There was nothing.

“But - isn’t there something?” Asuka could barely say it herself without hesitating. The same thoughts were probably strong in her vision, Rei realised, as Shou pulled her closer to her, and started to whisper.

The reassurance was not quite enough. She could not stop herself listening.

“My little girl couldn’t recognise me, not when I called her. Not when I watched her own mother tear through her. Not when I saw…”

Her throat squeezed, and she found it harder to breathe.

_Marty - Marty - I let him die, I saw him - he died, and I let him -_

“Rei?”

She did not turn around. Shou’s voice was scared, too. She could hear him, much closer, just behind her now, but she could not bring herself to move. The gun was not pointed at her, but it could move any moment. It would only take one wrong action. She and Shou would be found behind the thick shrub. One quick move, and all of it would be over. She would bleed out on the asphalt. Her body would rot, or be eaten.

_It’s what I deserve. I know. I should have died…_

“Rei, just stay calm. We’ll deal with him.”

The longer she stayed there, frozen and heaving, the less likely it seemed. Shou was just as helpless, and he was older and most likely stronger, as small as he was. His arm was covered in bandages, but he was out here nonetheless; out on the ground and creeping closer, enough to reach and wrap an arm around her, close enough for her to make out the sound of him breathing.

“Breathe. Stay still. Asuka will - “

Rei gasped. The sound of footsteps broke through the pumping of blood in her ears. There was a shove and a scream, and a clatter - what almost felt like a bullet but wasn’t - and the sound of her heart overtook everything again. She fell to her knees. Her eyes squeezed shut. She could not bring herself to look up.

Judai had been kicked down. On his knees, he was left to look up into the eyes of his attacker, stronger as he had been before he had come. Rei saw red scrapes on his palms.

“Stop,” Asuka said, trying to stay calm. She was alone, in front of the man now, and barely able to stand. The gun was pointed back to her now, finger not quite on the trigger - but close, Rei realised, dreadfully close. “Stop. I promise. We’ll tend to your wounds. Just… just put the gun down.”

The grip did not waver. “No. I won’t. I won’t stay.”

“Put it down. Please.”

“You… you don’t understand it,” he slurred. “You might have seen death, but _I bury my dead._ I don’t use them for - ”

“Don’t - “

“No. Fuck you. God damn you, damn everything. We’re all going to die. We’re dying. Damn it. Damn all of this bullshit…”

His hand pulled away. The thick, hairy arm moved, further from Asuka, the silver flash of the gun glinting under a small beam of sun.

“What are you doing?” Asuka screamed, stepping back by instinct. Rei saw her quiver, and she knew in that instant that she was just as scared as she was - just as helpless, just as weak against a man armed and driven mad by the hell around him.

His expression stayed as it was, frozen in anger. Only an eyebrow furrowed, wrinkles zig-zagging through skin

“You - don’t!”

It was Judai that let out the scream.

Metal met the patches of hair by his temple. Rei heard Asuka gasp, and Shou did the same, backing off. Behind his glasses, she glimpsed him shutting his eyes.

The man let out a groan. He was tired, Rei knew - far more tired than wanting to sleep. It was a fatigue that she recognised, one that she had felt herself. She had felt the same feeling back at her house, with her parents behind her. Terror stirred in her mind. She wanted to run. Her feet were glued to the ground.

_No - oh my God, no -_

“No, you’re the stupid ones,” he said, shaking his head, the gun staying stuck to his temple. His jaw hung slack between words, slowly-rotting teeth exposed to the light. Through the fabric and the dust of his trousers, his leg continued to bleed. “Trying to live. Pretending nothing’s happened. Lying. You’re lying. All of it’s lies.”

“If you can’t - “

“No,” he continued, uncaring. “You got me. I saw what I saw, and I waited. I waited for my family to kill each other.”

He began to cough. “I just wanted to live. But it’s over. You got me now. Take what’s left of me if you like.”

Rei heard the man splutter, saliva bubbling from his lips. His words were slurring, halfway between exhausted and drunk, beyond what she had felt. His hands were braver, she knew, his mind far more determined. There was no stopping him. “It’s over. You got me. I get it. We’re all dying like this. So fuck everything.”

His free hand pressed against the cold of the house’s wall. The hand holding the gun was lifted, up and up, and then to the side. It came towards him, towards his head, pressing so strongly Rei was sure she could feel the ice of the muzzle resonating through her own skull. His finger moved down to press -

_“Rei!”_

She heard Asuka scream, before an arm that wasn’t hers reached for her shoulders, and a sweaty palm clamped around her eyes in a blindfold, and then, Rei heard the gun fire.

* * *

Dusk settled and brought the light down. The air grew cooler. A soft wind, one that would most likely grow harsher later on in the night, blew through the road and ruffled the leaves on the trees.

Rei sat in the kitchen. Next to her, Asuka toyed with a can-opener. Shou was outside, tending to the corpse like he had said he would, Judai most likely with him.

Sighing, she reached out and bit into one of Asuka’s crackers, still laid out on the table. The taste was as bland as paper. Still, it grew soft on her tongue, and the feeling deep in her belly seemed to calm as she ate.

The room remained quiet. There was only the clock on the wall, ticking and ticking. Minutes seemed to go on for hours, the cracker lasting far longer than anything Rei had eaten since coming to Asuka’s house. There was no flavour. The sound it made as it crunched was too quiet. Nothing about it could push back the bang of the gun in her mind, nor the tell-tale puddle of blood she had glimpsed when Asuka, hours ago now, had escorted her back into the kitchen.

Outside was darker now. Evening had fallen. The lights had begun to come on. Hours had been coming and going, going and coming, in silence.

“I’m sorry,” Asuka finally said, leaning against the back of her chair. Her gaze was directed up at the ceiling, as if lost, or looking for hope.

There was none of it in the kitchen, Rei thought, even with food on the table. She finished her cracker in silence, the last of the crumbs dropping down.

“It’s all right,” she sighed. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“I understand. But… you didn’t deserve to see that.”

“I didn’t see it.”

She could still remember the feel of it, the imprint of Shou’s palm, clamping over her eyes. It had not hurt. His scent still clung in her memories, dulling amongst the stark bang of the bullet. Her ears had heard everything, and what she remembered, she would not be forgetting.

Asuka shook her head, eyes shutting by force. “Still,” she murmured, “I wish you hadn’t been there. Not when it happened.”

“I know,” Rei nodded. Her lip trembled as she forced out her thought, as deep and dark as it was bitter, but far from pleasant to keep in her mind. “…I’m just a burden, aren’t I?”

“What - no, Rei, you’re not - “

“Isn’t that true?”

“No. I swear, Rei, you’re as much one of us as anyone else, and - “

“Maybe he was right.”

It hurt to think about it, but it was filling her, left to right and bottom up. The thought of it was consuming, like cold, terrible ice, the little voice that still stirred in her mind coiling and twisting around her stomach. The crackers had not been appetising before, but she felt now that what she had swallowed had turned into stones, crushing and pressing.

“Maybe he was right,” she continued. “Maybe we’re all just wasting time. Maybe there’s no point to staying alive.”

Asuka sat up properly, as if by command. Her eyes met Rei’s, sharply, right across the table like twin arrows striking two targets. “That doesn’t matter. We’re not going to go down like - “

“But that’s it. Why are we trying to live?” Rei heaved, her sigh impossibly heavy. “Why don’t we all die? They’re going to get us, or we’ll just starve, or get sick. We’ll end up useless, or eating each other. Like them. Like… like that family.”

The pain of an empty belly was nothing new, not after the days she had spent on her own in her house. She had been lucky, she thought, to have not made herself ill - but it had been hard, almost impossible. The turned were dying, dwindling down, that they knew, but the living could not be brought back. What was left of humanity was impossible to predict. She could count the living humans she had met on one hand, and one had died that same day.

“We… we can’t survive,” she said, “not forever. And even if we stay alive, then… who else is there?”

“We don’t know. That’s why we’ve got to keep looking.”

“We’ve looked. You only found me. You might not have. And I’ve just caused trouble, haven’t I?”

“Rei, I swear, you have _not - “_

“I’m just an extra mouth to feed. I’m not like you guys. I’m… you said it, I’m a kid. I’m a stupid kid. I’m weak, and I’m stupid.”

She couldn’t stop herself speaking, even if it was hurting her. The words stung, deep down, but they were true; she was younger, and they had been trying to shelter her, and feed her, and give her all that they could, but she was straining them. Hers had been the eyes they had needed to cover. Her body had been the one they had not allowed the thick man to touch.

“You aren’t. I promise.”

“Then why are you keeping me around?”

“Because we couldn’t leave you. Because you survived. We’re going to find everyone else that’s alive in this mess, and - “

“No-one’s alive, are they?”

The chair’s legs groaned as they slid on the ground. Rei stood, so suddenly her heart began to race with a shock. Asuka did not move from her seat, but her gaze remained fixed.

Rei felt her hands ball into fists. Her brows furrowed in anger. “No-one’s alive. We’re lucky. That man was lucky. But… nobody else is alive. Shou’s brother. He’s dead, isn’t he?”

“We don’t - he might be - “

“He’s dead, and we’re all going to die. We’re all going to die, aren’t we? Aren’t we?”

Her blood rushed. Teeth gritted, she pushed the chair back, so hard it fell to the ground with a clatter and a bang. It didn’t matter, not any more. Her thoughts, the good and the bad and those that told her that she still wanted to die were a mess, and she could not get them in order. All of them buzzed, like small, pestering flies, but her eyes stayed firm on the door her feet were moving towards, faster than anything.

 _Run,_ something said to her in the swarm of her mind. There’s no point. _You’re going to die._

She did not hear Asuka calling her name. She heard nothing at all, nothing but her own footsteps, thankful that she had not taken off her shoes as she opened the door - unlocked, she realised, and stormed out. The door slammed. She still did not hear her.

She was running, to nothing, towards her own death, away from the warmth of the house.

The air out was cold, and Rei bit back a shiver. Shaking her head, she did not stop, pushing on forward, and around the corner, not caring if Asuka would come for her, or if she would not, and she would finally leave her, promise broken like glass on the floor.

No, she thought. That doesn’t matter. It’s all a lie. We’re all going to die. We’re all going to die.

The moon was out, up above. Pale yellow dusted the tops of left-behind cars. Leaves rustled. She could barely see up ahead, until the first of the streetlights in sight painted more of the road vivid gold. Another corner - and no footsteps, she realised, between pants and the beating sound of her own feet on concrete. Asuka was not behind her.

She was alone. Rei stopped, looking around. The road was not new, but a little unsettling, deep into night. Swallowing, she listened in.

Sounds were coming from nearby.

_…Voices?_

She was not far from the road where they had fought the large man with the gun. Someone, or something was there, and she was hearing faint voices, ones she could not quite make out from the distance between them.

Judai and Shou, her gut instinct told her. _They went to bury the body. It can’t be anyone else…_

_I bury my dead. I don’t use them for -_

The man’s voice echoed out through the silence.

For an instant, she thought of living faces, the faces in crowds she had seen before the disaster had happened, and with it, a flicker of some kind of dream. For a breath, Rei thought of some other life.

 _No, Asuka lied,_ Rei thought, shaking her head. _No-one else is alive._

As quietly as she could, she crept closer to the turn of the road. The corner was thick with untrimmed shrubbery. Peering over, she made out shapes under a streetlight. One wore a hat, and carried a shovel.

_…Shou?_

She came closer.

She could see more of the shapes unmistakably human, lines of silhouettes marked out by the towering streetlight. Shou’s hands were clenched tight around the shaft of the shovel. She could see him quivering. His shadow was not quite still. Next to him was the corpse of the man, dead on the ground, with someone kneeling over the top of it; someone with a large knife in one hand that they passed back to Shou.

“Here,” she heard a faint, familiar voice say, barely loud enough for her to hear clearly.

_Judai?_

She did not hear anything else. Shou took the knife and stepped back. Something from the edge of the blade dripped onto the ground.

Rei swallowed.

_Blood._

_They said they’d bury him, didn’t they?_

Goosebumps spiked up on her skin, shivers racking her body. Whatever was happening was definitely far from a burial. If they were searching the body for valuables, then the knife made no sense, least of all why it was red - under the light - with what she knew, deep in her gut, was the dead man’s blood. It couldn’t be Judai’s, not with how he had given the knife back to Shou. He had not been in pain, not enough for the knife to have gone into his own flesh.

_Why would he…?_

It made no sense. Magnetised and terrified, all at once, heart beating to the point of madness, Rei stared on.

The mess of Judai’s head seemed to dip down, as if to kiss the corpse. Rei’s stomach stirred at the sight. _No,_ she thought as she focused. There were more movements than someone needed for kisses. Shou was in front, watching on, and she could only imagine how he felt, seeing what was unfolding before them - something she knew he was seeing much closer, and that perhaps he was more familiar with.

He was not running. His feet were still anchored down.

She took a breath in, and stepped closer. Peering over, she began to make out more of the details. Blood was glistening on the ground. The corpse was still. Judai was the one that was moving. Shoulders shifted down, then up somewhat. What was going on, it was impossible to tell. Rei could not stop herself. Her feet moved alone.

If she was being too loud, then she did not care - not until Shou turned around, eyes widening as his knife, and the shovel, both dropped from his hands.

It landed on the ground, just as Rei’s eyes started seeing the details. There was blood - definitely blood on the ground, and the way Judai’s hands were positioned, he had to be doing something to the corpse: something she could only pinpoint as one thing, from the faint, awful sounds she was hearing.

In that instant, her mind filled with images. _Marty._

_“Judai!”_

She called his name, before she could make herself think, before the image could start to make sense. As soon as she cried, her hands were over her mouth. Next to her, Shou stood still.

Judai jerked, and by instinct, moved back. There was a terrible pause. Swallowing, his head turned to Rei.

Her eyes widened. Judai’s head turned.

It was him - really him, not anyone else - and she gasped out with fear. It was him: the boy that she knew, the strong one with the confident looks, like a sole summer’s day in the cold. He was there, in the flesh, hands and mouth full, lips red with blood, skin almost unnaturally pale in the light of the moon. On the ground, Rei saw something winding and long. It was something that she did not want to see any closer, but that she could see clearer now, a trail of blood creeping in through the rough grit of the concrete below.

There was silence. Neither he nor she could say anything. They stared, eyes locked on like targets, eye-to-eye, only Judai’s arms shaking somewhat as his chest heaved, uncertain if he could even breathe at the sight of her, seeing what she was seeing.

It was in that silence that she heard him swallow something.

Silence again.

Rei let out a scream.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gore, etc warning.

If Shou said something as she screamed, then Rei did not hear it, and she did not hear anything else that came after.

Everything - everything was a mess. There were knives in hands and a corpse on the ground, and blood that dripped still, not just from the knife or Shou’s hands as they shook, clutching the weapon.

There was blood where there should not have been blood.

Judai. _Judai?_

Rei’s mind scrambled to put together the pieces. Her vision was far from stable. Her heart threatened to stop the moment she heard the clattering of the knife on the ground, or Shou’s footsteps as he ran towards her, calling her name. What stood out was that Judai was still. Her eyes were on him, and only on him as the pieces of the broken-up jigsaw pushed and clicked and came together inside, as much as she wished that what she was seeing could not be the truth.

_Judai. The corpse._

_He’s turned, hasn’t he - or, no, when - when did he -_

“You’re… you’re like he said, he - “ The scream erupted like fire from her throat.  “You - you’re…”

“Rei! Wait!” Shou cried, throwing the knife in his hands to the ground. It clattered, the sudden noise making Rei wince. “Wait, it’s not - it’s not what you - “

He tried to step forward towards her, but she stepped away. Her heart could not stay still inside of her. She was going to scream, or be sick - which one of the two would come first, she didn’t know, and couldn’t begin to guess, not after what she had seen, and what she was still seeing. Judai, in front of her, was still on his knees, hands on the ground, mouth and chin a bright, bloody red.

_He ate him. He ate him._

He’s not human, Rei knew. _He’s not - he never has, all this time…_

“You lied! You… you monster! You monster!”

Her hands trembled, longing to grab at Judai’s neck and snap it, or choke him, force him to suffocate and drown in blood, like he deserved. He deserved all of the pain - all of it, for lying to her, for keeping her thinking that she had been cared for. They had all lied. Shou had stood by and watched him cut open a corpse, and sink his teeth into it, and she had been lied to.

“You monster,” she repeated. “You… I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you…”

She had nothing but air in her hands. Fists clenched, blood rushing through her and the voice in her head telling her to fight, or else. She was going to die at his hands, she realised. The others had all deceived her, and it made sense why.

We’ll look after you. We care about you…

_You cared for me because I was human. Because I have flesh. Because you just wanted to… to use me…_

“I’ll kill you. I’ll kill you. You want to eat me too, right?” She called, stepping back again as Shou tried to step closer. Her eyes were fixed on Judai alone. How he was still on the ground, and not springing at her like the beast he had become, with blood on his hands and teeth, she could not imagine, but he was dangerous even when he was down on the ground. Every breath he had taken, every word he had said - all of it had been oozing with lies and deception, and Shou and Asuka had lied to her alongside him…

“I’ll kill you. I won’t… I won’t…”

“Rei, listen, stop. I - I promise, I can explain everything - “

“You lied!” Rei lashed out, arm swinging out. Shou’s face was just out of reach. “You lied to me. You made me think you all cared for me. And you did. You just… you just wanted fresh meat.”

“He’s not like that. I promise.”

“He’s not like that? He’s like that, don’t lie!” Her hand pointed at Judai, still a bloody mess on his knees. “He’s just like that. You lied. You just… you wanted him to eat me, that’s why! Or you’d eat me, I understand, you’re all monsters…”

Her feet wouldn’t move, but she wanted to run, wherever she could. It didn’t matter where she would end up. Anywhere would be safer, anywhere - anywhere but where she was, next to a liar and a monster who would have eaten her had she stayed clueless any longer. Anywhere would be better, the thoughts rang out clear in her mind. Anywhere - even out there, back in her cold, empty house, without so much as a mouthful of food left.

_I should have died. I should have died way back then, but I thought - I thought…_

“Rei.”

She froze. Judai was heaving himself up from the ground. Red hands rested on the blue of his jeans. Stains remained. One sleeve was wiping at his mouth, the gore and stains smearing.

“Rei,” he said again as he stood, his eyes looking up to meet hers. “I… I’m sorry.”

They were the same eyes she had known - but eyes she could no longer trust. Lying eyes. Monster eyes. The eyes of a dead man walking, of one who had consumed human flesh.

Behind the eyes, Rei knew, could only be madness.

“You’re one of them,” she screamed. “You’re one of them. You’ve been - all along! You’re a monster. You lied. And…” She paused, trying to muster enough poison to spit. Her throat ached from within. Her saliva was bitter. “…and for everything. I… I hope…”

The words were stuck on her tongue.

“…I hope…”

“Rei?”

“I hope you _choke!”_

She turned and ran.

It was too much. Tears clouded her vision. Heavy, tired feet beat against the pavement, heart rushing. Where she was going, she did not know, wherever her feet would take her would do - and she couldn’t stop, not for her own sanity, not to stop the pain in her throat stabbing her through her breathing.

The moon above gazed down like a searchlight from a still helicopter - and how she wished it would move. All that shifted around her was the sights ahead, left and right, and her shadow, dull and stark in alternation as she ran from darkness into light into darkness again. Squeezing her eyes shut, she wished for everything to have been a dream. She prayed to wake up.

_I can’t. I’m awake. I saw everything. They lied, they all lied to me, he’s not human, he’s one of them, and I saw it, I saw everything…_

The memory, vision stark-red as blood in her head, made her stomach turn. She was going to be sick.

Throat dry, gasping for air, she stumbled over. Her hands reached out, hitting back against the cold of a lamp-post. Rei’s knees buckled beneath her. She let out a cry as she hit the ground. The concrete scraped at her knees, through her jeans. Teeth gritted, she let out only gasps.

She couldn’t breathe. Whatever was twisting her stomach was at work in her chest, pressing and pressing. Tears streamed from her eyes. Thoughts came together and broke apart, all at once.

_He’s not human. He’s a monster. He eats human flesh. He can’t be human. He lied, they lied, they said they cared, but they didn’t - that’s why, isn’t it?_

She dreaded the thought, but swallowed it down with the dread. It made sense.

_They were breaking in. They were looking for people to eat. And they took me in… he was there… they were waiting… and when I died…_

Rei let out a wail.

Her body was screaming with pain. The pain in her throat felt like a stab. She could not cry or even breathe without pain, but her body moved on its own, still and broken, clinging on to the useless lamppost above like a friend, or a lover, too cold and too dead to touch her back. Nobody could comfort her. She was alone. She had been lied to, and she was alone.

_Run. I have to -_

Her limbs would not listen. They clung, fingers sticking to the metal shaft of the light. It was cold, but her chest was wild with heat, and it brought a strange sense of comfort through the thick of her hoodie. It was cold and she hated it; it was still and bitter and unloving, but it was better, she decided, to freeze alone than to be consumed by a traitor, a monster, or whatever she had left behind, and would not come back to.

_Still, let me run…_

She heaved, but her knees would not lift off the ground. Groaning, she fell back down, forehead against the pole. Her hands scratched on the pavement. Rei winced. Skin scraped.

_No… they’ll come… they’ll eat me… what if…_

Her thoughts were fuzzy. She could not move, and it hurt her to breathe. There was no sound in her ears, only pain and harsh breathing.

_All of them… what if… what if all of them…_

_That’s it,_ Rei realised. _That’s how I’ll die._

She would sleep out here, and they would find her alone, and put her out of her misery. She would be food for the morning, nothing more than blood and flesh and something that had once been the remains of a human.

 _I’m dying,_ she thought, shutting her eyes, her hands faltering and the pole slipping out of her reach. _I’m dying. They’ll kill me. Maybe then I’ll be home…_

“Rei!”

_They’re coming. I’m dying. I’m going to die._

“Rei!”

_Come on then, kill me, like you wanted me to die all along…_

“Rei!”

Warm, strong arms wrapped themselves around her waist. Rei let out a scream. Desperately, she thrashed in the grasp, arms and legs pushing and shoving. One leg hit something, and the gasp made Rei jump. Blood rushing through every inch of her being, she turned around, still almost flat on the concrete.

“Rei…”

Asuka breathed out, stumbling onto all fours. If it hurt, then Rei did not see it. Long hair, washed out into white by the moon, trailed past the folds of her clothes, nestling in the hood of her coat. Her hands were still clad in gloves. She could not see her face, hidden behind a curtain of hair.

 _Monster - monster,_ Rei thought with a bolt, _just like him…_

“Rei. Stop, please,” Asuka choked out. Her own breaths were heavy, chest moving up and down with the strain of her sprint. One hand reached to move her hair out of her eyes, and the look that met Rei’s own mirrored hers. The eyes that stared back were the same as she had known, just as troubled, just as lost and shattered, alone on the streets in the dark.

“Please,” she said, heaving. “Please, don’t run. Please, listen.”

“…No,” Rei replied. “I… I can’t.”

She wanted to shout, to hit her and beat her until she begged, until she admitted the truth, but her hands would not come into fists. Skin stung, the scraped bleeding red on her palms. Her heart was still racing.

“Rei, I… I’m sorry. About everything.”

“You better be,” she spat, a beastly growl mixing in with the spit in her words. “You better be. You’re a liar. You… you all lied.”

“Rei.”

“You’re a liar. I thought I could trust you.”

“I - I swear…”

“Swear what?”

Rei turned around with a swerve. Asuka was still on the ground, as if pleading. Her eyes were locked on to hers, still as anxious, still as confused, and as confusing. The sick feeling that swirled in her stomach ebbed and flowed still.

“I… I swear, we did it to save you.”

She looked desperate as she said it, a drop of either sweat or a tear streaking down one cheek.

Rei stopped. _Crocodile tears, liar, liar,_ the voice in her head repeated at her, but it was harder to stomach this time. Trying hard not to cry herself, she shut off the sounds in her mind. It hurt to think; it hurt to do anything, even to breathe.

“Save… me?”

“Yes. I promise. We… we didn’t want to alarm you. We thought you would never find out. We were wrong, and I know that. I know now,” Asuka mumbled, losing sounds under what Rei knew now were tears, “I know. I know, but believe me, we tried…”

_Tried. For what?_

_I’m not a child,_ Rei thought. _You kept things quiet, because of me - but you kept him around. You kept a flesh-eating monster around. He could have killed and eaten you. He could have killed and eaten me - no…_

The thoughts all came flooding back; the memories, a grey, stony ceiling above, scattered bags, a cold floor below. She thought back to the day they had found her, and she had woken up in the back room of the grocery store. Judai had been next to her, kneeling over her body.

She had been wanting to die for days. She had been starving. She had collapsed.

_What if - what if -_

“You… you wanted me to die, didn’t you?”

It made sense, all of a sudden - why he had been there, closest of all, and why they had brought her into the room. He had kneeled over her. He had been so alarmed when she had turned out to have lived.

He had been waiting for prey.

“Rei - no, I promise, we didn’t - “

“No. That’s why he was there. Back then - you brought me in so you’d have a fresh corpse for him to eat, if I died… That’s all I was. That’s all I am, right?”

Groaning, she pushed herself up. Her leg urged to kick, to beat Asuka for every lie, every bit of deception she and the others had been feeding her for weeks on end, hoping she would die soon. They had fed her and clothed her as part of the lie; if she died then, she would have died a little less dirty and a little less thin, even better to be eaten, torn apart like all she was good for.

“I’m just food to him. For a monster, aren’t I?”

Asuka stayed down. Now, the little voice said in Rei’s mind. _She’s helpless. She lied. You can kill her if you like, beat her to death…_

“No.”

Asuka was choking on tears, but she was not silent. Rei paused. Small as she was, she towered above. On her knees, the older girl was helpless; broken, alone. Rei knew she had power. Power was all that she had, and all that she needed to show her what she was. Her hands longed to ball into fists and her feet longed to kick. Mixed in with the spit on her lips was a thirst for revenge. She wanted blood.

She saw in her mind the blood of a liar dripping down on the floor. _Judai can eat you, then. It’s what you deserve._

Her limbs would not move. They wanted to move. She stood, paralysed.

_No. Why? Why can’t -_

“No. I… I promise, Rei. I promise. You were family. You’re family to all of us, to Shou and Judai and me. You’re… you’re not food. You aren’t. That’s not - that’s not why, and I swear…”

“But you lied.”

“I… I know. I’m sorry, but…”

“He’s a monster,” Rei said. Why none of her could move, she did not know; but she heard the voice in her mind screaming, louder and louder, and winced, wishing it would shut up for once. She wanted to hear Asuka beg, before she left her to die - if she could let her - but the voice in her mind was too much, and there was reason screaming at her, and madness, and something else, as soft and caring as an old memory…

“He isn’t."

Asuka looked up. One hand swept her fringe from her eyes. The skin around them was vivid under the light. She didn’t move, still on her knees, as if submitting. Rei could not move either.

The pain deep inside was too much, the screams in her head too messed-up to be made sense of. Hopeless, she fell to her knees again. If it hurt, then she did not feel it.

Amongst the pain and the mess, some part of her wanted to listen.

Rei leaned in. Asuka took a breath in, bracing herself. Softly, her sobs seemed to grow quieter.

“Judai isn’t a monster, I-I promise,” she said, still sniffing weakly. “And… he’s not like the turned. I know he’s still human, or as human as possible. I don’t really know how or why, but… he’s both human, and not.”

Rei’s eyes widened. “…What?”

Never had she heard of both living and dead coexisting as one.

“Judai is both turned and still human at once. I don’t understand it myself. Maybe - maybe he’s neither now. We don’t know. Not even he does.”

“What do you mean?”

Asuka leaned in. A gentle hand caressed the back of Rei’s hair. Rei’s spine chilled at the touch. She wanted to pull back. Asuka stayed. The voice that came from her lips was a little cool - and somewhat severe. “You know what the symptoms are like.”

Wordlessly, Rei gave a nod.

She had seen many herself, and what she did not want to, or could not recall with her own eyes, she could think back to. She could remember words still; she could still hear, if she closed her eyes and focused enough, the terror of the days before the sickness had surged, the listing of horrors across every channel, and the voices of every announcer, trying and failing to veil their own panic.

_Death out on the streets. No conscious thought. No memories. No chance for recovery. No cure, only death._

_Headache, dry skin, nausea. After a few hours: spasms, vomiting, eventual loss of consciousness. Trials with antibiotics have proven unsuccessful. The final state is inevitable. No, not death, but mental and physical damage, irritation leading to cracked skin and bleeding, acidic saliva, and the same state of mind seen in other infected mammals…_

“You see… it’s complicated. Not even he knows exactly what happened. He has symptoms, Rei. He got bitten.” Asuka said. “He got bitten, but he didn’t turn. Not properly. He doesn’t have all of the symptoms. There’s only a couple.”

Rei shook her head, trying to process all that was coming to her. “…A couple?”

“Yes,” Asuka nodded, sighing. “He doesn’t know why, but… he needs to do what he does. It’s not that he wants to. He remembers everything. He thinks. He’s alive, and he’s conscious, very much so.”

 _Conscious._ It was not something Rei had considered. She thought of her parents. She had not heard a single voice through the thick of the wooden door, only groaning, and sounds that she did not want to think about - inhuman sounds, that the sight of Judai with blood on his mouth had only made her remember.  _Conscious. He thinks._

 _Marty,_ she thought. Was that what Marty had been thinking, when he had gone into the living room? Had he thought of somehow bringing their parents back, only to fail?

_Marty. I’m sorry._

She choked back the beginnings of tears.

“Rei, are you all right?” Asuka leaned in. “It’s all right. You can talk to me - “

“No,” Rei insisted. “I’m all right. I just started thinking.”

“About?”

“About my parents. They weren’t _conscious,_ were they? When… when he _killed_ them?”

It took effort for her to think back without crying. The glimpse she had gotten from the keyhole had become a scar in her brain. The reach of a hand, shadowed silhouette against the light from the window. Terrible sounds. Fingers that curled and uncurled, and reached deep into the body that lat on the ground.

Blood everywhere. Groaning. Lifeless, trailing - broken glass, knocked-over picture frames, some brown lilies from the anniversary of the week before, dead on the ground…

_Marty. Oh my God, Marty…_

It took a while before Asuka sighed, and gently, shook her head. “No. I’m sorry.”

It was becoming harder to think. What Asuka said had been clear to her, even before Rei had asked her the question, but knowing the answer - for definite, or as definite as anyone could make it, limited as they were - only made the feeling pressing down in her chest hurt that little bit harder. Her heart squeezed as she sat there, frozen in place, feeling nothing, thinking of nothing other than death, and what had happened to her parents.

When had they died? When the infection - _airborne_ , she remembered the words from the television - had spread? When they had taken their first bite of flesh, and tasted the blood of their own child, screaming, only slowly coming to die on the ground? When the knives had gone into them? When they could not move any more, no matter how much was done?

 _Airborne,_ she thought. _It was airborne, but Marty and I didn’t die… but if they bite us, it’s over, even if they don’t eat us…_

It confused her, enough to make her stomach turn. Groaning, she tried to fight off the feeling. There were not enough answers.

Rei looked up. “Asuka?” She spoke only faintly, voice trembling.

“Yes?”

“How did it happen? I mean… was it just that? A bite?”

Rei looked down at her hands, hesitating. Judai’s existence - in his state, whatever he was, bright and alive and at once, one with the dead - made no sense, and it frightened her. Her arms were dotted with goosebumps under her sleeves, and they were not warm enough to stop her shuddering.

Asuka took a breath in. Her shoulders had drooped, far from the confident guardian she had appeared like, halfway through a fight, or standing, prepared, ready to jump if she saw a single thing move through her vision. She was scared, and for the first time in weeks, Rei felt the old feeling of something in her stomach stir, wallowing in her own worry.

“I don’t know,” Asuka breathed out, fingers trembling, locked together. “I wasn’t there when it happened. I only met with him and Shou after it. Shou told me. That’s all I know about it. It was just the two of them at the time. Something happened - some turned attacked them or something - and Judai got bitten. He got bitten, but he didn’t tell Shou about it.”

“But - isn’t that dangerous?”

Rei thought back to how frantic Shou had been, desperately hoping that she was unharmed and unbitten, and how Asuka had gotten him to calm down. It made sense, she realised. He had seen the effects of a bite - one that had not gone the way any of them had expected - but he was still anxious, still frightened.

 _If they bite you, you’ll turn. I promise. I’m going to be careful_. It was what Marty had said, just before he had opened the door.

“I know. He… he’d have turned. He just didn’t. I don’t know how exactly it happened, or why. I wasn’t with them at the time.”

“Did Judai know? That he’d turn into… whatever he is now?”

Asuka shook her head. “I doubt it. He told me he didn’t know what went on. He said he didn’t think it had happened. There wasn’t much difference, and when we look at him now, there still isn’t.”

“What does he have?” Rei asked, trying hard to phrase it exactly. “I mean, what’s different between him and a human?”

 _No matter what, he’s still not one of us,_ she thought. _He’s not human. He eats human flesh. That’s enough to make him a monster. If he got bitten, something else had to have changed._

What she had seen of him hadn’t quite made sense. Never, before today, had she ever imagined him as anything but human. Now, the truth had come out, and she knew she could never consider him the same as her, or Asuka and Shou, if they were just as human as her, never again.

Asuka paused, caught up in thoughts. “There isn’t much.”

“What is there?”

“I’m not sure. I think he told me his saliva’s a little acidic. It tastes weird, he said, but it’s not like the turned. Not strong enough. Sometimes, his skin gets dry, too, but… he’s human. At least, on the outside. I don’t know how much it could have changed him on the inside.”

“Does he go crazy? Like them?”

“…I… I don’t know how best to say that.”

Uncertain, Asuka bit her lip. Rei shivered, trying to sort out the thousand other questions swarming her mind.

“How did you find out? About it?”

“Shou told me,” Asuka sighed. “Judai didn’t know what had happened for a while. He tried to treat it like a normal injury. The mark’s healing, but it can’t go away.”

“Where is it?"

“His leg. About here.” Asuka gestured. Rei swallowed. She had never seen Judai in anything but jeans, just like she had never seen Shou without a shirt on.

“Judai isn’t like them, because he’s conscious. He told me he doesn’t want to - _to eat,”_ she said the word with a shudder. Rei could feel the same discomfort creeping down through her veins, like a thousand small centipedes. “It’s like an instinct to him. Like… like laughing or crying. Or not wanting to die.”

Rei thought back to the days in her house. Her instincts had shut off by then, she thought. She had not wanted to eat, or to drink, and she knew that she stank, but she had not wanted to wash or to sleep. She had wanted to die, and the pain still tugged at her, at her belly and chest, and more than that sometimes. She had been fighting it. At Asuka’s house, sometimes, the feelings could shut up to be silent, but they would tug nonetheless.

“Not wanting to die?” Rei echoed back, trying not to think back to death any more. “Does he have to?”

“I think so. I don’t know why he would eat flesh if he didn’t have to. He hates it. He hates everything. Shou told me he used to break into houses with him all the time before he got bitten,” Asuka sighed. “He has to do it now. He has to do the killing himself. He can’t eat it if something’s rotten. He’s tried to avoid it, but… sometimes, I’ve had to remind him…”

There was something awful about the way Asuka spoke. It was a guilty voice, one that cared for a friend as much as it could force. That voice was shaken, and broken, and full of self-hatred.

“I… I don’t want him to die. Shou doesn’t either. And… sometimes, we have to do things we don’t like. Judai doesn’t like it, but it isn’t his fault. He never asked for it. He still doesn’t.”

“Does he get… _hungry,_ then?” Rei said, the word tasting like bile on her tongue. Everything about it felt cruel, animalistic - inhuman.

“Yes. He doesn’t always tell us when he is, but… there’s signs. And we’d rather have him alive. He’s a friend to us. And I know he’s human, deep down. He doesn’t eat because he wants to. And I shouldn’t have - “

Her voice was beginning to tremble. Rei saw a gleam in her eyes.

“Asuka?”

She shook her head, hanging with guilt. “I shouldn’t have.”

“But - “ Rei looked back, confused.

“I made him,” Asuka confessed, spitting out tears. “I made him, but I had to. When we killed your parents. He needed to eat. He wasn’t in a good state. I was scared. I was scared… and I made him…”

“Wait, you - “

“If you want to be angry at him, then be angry at me. If he’s a monster, then so am I, because I let him live. But I know he’s human. I know.”

She looked back up, and suddenly, the pleading was no longer there. Insistence had replaced it. She was crying, but she looked so much stronger, so much more determined, and Rei found it harder to fight. Her hands clung, both begging for her to understand and to show her who she was. She was broken, but undefeated.

“We didn’t want you to die back then, so we helped you out. That’s what we wanted to do. Judai isn’t like that, but… he’s still important to us. He’s still human.”

The feeling set in. It felt strange, to think of Asuka as anything like Judai. She had seen Judai with blood on his hands, and blood where it should not have been. For Asuka to blame herself, it seemed almost wrong, as if it had been her there, picking at the dead man’s body. It was wrong. Rei did not want to think about it - but the way her voice tugged at her, as if begging for forgiveness, made her tense and pause.

_He might be human…_

“Will he die if he doesn’t?”

Asuka paused. “I don’t know, and I don’t want to find out. But we shouldn’t starve him. Things already went bad once.”

“Don’t tell me…” Rei backed off, instincts firing.

“There’s proof he’s still human. He isn’t contagious. It’s how Shou found out. Judai tried to hide it from him, and he… he didn’t eat. And things happened.”

She did not hesitate. Seeing Rei’s eyes widen, Asuka’s hand drifted up to her shoulder. Rei had seen Asuka without her sweater once, and knew there were no wounds. There had been nothing that had alarmed her then. There had been nothing to mark it out as any different from the rest of her skin, but it was not Asuka that Rei began to think of.

She thought of Shou and what she knew had been under his sleeve.

“Things… got bad.”

Rei shook her head, realising. The image grew, wild and blood-red. She wished it was not true, but she could envisage it clearly; white teeth sinking into muscle, scraping on bone. She could almost see acid burn as it seeped into the cut. The scream in the back of her mind felt disembodied, and she could not tell if it was her memory or her imagination: a scream from Marty - or Shou.

She knew, but spoke with such hesitation that she wished it was a lie. “You don’t mean…?”

“Yes. Only once. He’s been honest with us ever since. Even… even if it hurts to.”

Her eyes squeezed shut with the horror.

“Is… is Shou all right now?”

“Yes. He hasn’t been infected. At worst, Judai isn’t contagious.”

Rei gave a sigh, half-relieved and half-scared still. He could not infect anyone, if Asuka had been right, or Shou had not been an anomaly - but she did not want to know any more. The last thing she wanted was to fall, like Marty had.

“But why did you lie? About… about the break-ins. About Judai. About… about so many things?”

This time, she could see the guilt in the gloss of Asuka’s eyes. “We didn’t tell you because we didn’t want you to be frightened. We didn’t want you to be scared of us. We only wanted to help you, to protect you. If you found out, it would have scared you. And… and it did. I’m so sorry all of this happened.”

In the silence, she could hear her crying, hands moving up to conceal it. “Asuka -“

“Hurt me if you want. I’m not going to fight you. I said we wouldn’t harm you. And I’m keeping that promise. I won’t.”

“But… but you…”

She looked back suddenly, halfway through a sob.

“We won’t let you be harmed. We’re going to protect you, just like we promised. You’re our sister. Almost a daughter. You’re our junior. You’re young. You didn’t deserve this. We’re not going to let any harm come to you, and that includes from ourselves. And… and Judai knows that. That’s why we’re here.”

“But… you brought me out here… why? Don’t you want to use me to - ”

“No,” she almost shouted, voice breaking. “Trust me. We picked you up because we wanted to help you. Because we - we couldn’t let you be alone. We couldn’t let you die. You’re younger than us. And you’re a survivor. I know you’ve lost your family. We have, too. None of us have anyone left. And we want to help you, too. We couldn’t bear to leave you alone.”

“Shou said he had a brother,” Rei remembered.

“So did I. So did I…”

“They’re both dead, aren’t they? Shou told me his brother never came back.”

She never got a reply. The street was quiet, silence broken only by Asuka’s sobbing, and it was this time that Rei reached out. Her hands could not stay still. Her heart was tugging, tugging at her head to act, and she could not stop herself leaning in and wrapping her arm around Asuka’s back, just like she had done days ago, in the room with the bed.

Rei remembered what she had told her of Fubuki, and what Shou had said about Ryou. There were only four of them in the house - three living, one neither living nor dead - and there had been no other contact. All had gone quiet. The houses around them were empty, or reeking of death.

They were not coming back. Shou’s hope was probably empty, Rei realised.

She could do nothing. There was nothing but quiet. There was nothing out on the streets after dark, not even stray animals, if any of them had survived. It was only her and Asuka out there, for what felt like miles.

“Come… come on. Let’s go back,” Asuka finally spoke again.

Her eyes were still damp with tears, and her sleeve was no better. She was still hurting, Rei saw as she stood and her hand slipped from Asuka’s back, but she stood up all the same.

She was not sure if she wanted to. She did not want to see the sight of the corpse again. Whatever had happened to it after she had run was not something she wanted to think about.

Saying nothing, she gave a nod, and stood up with her.

The house was not far. When Rei had been running, she had felt like miles were behind her. The dark surroundings had been a flash. Walking through, she felt the roads become more familiar, and she realised how small everything was. The distance had not been long. Familiar railings gleamed in the moonlight. Leaves rustled gently in the evening wind.

The body was no longer there by the time they returned.

The curtains were shut in the house. What was beyond them, Rei could not see. When Shou was awake in the evenings, he would light candles, but the curtains were too thick to make out even faint light.

Asuka opened the door. Rei went inside after her, without so much as a word. She saw Asuka head into the kitchen, and thought of following. Her mouth was dry. The last thing she had eaten were barely edible crackers. She would take something, she decided, then sleep.

Her shoulder brushed against the doorframe to the living room, and she stopped. There was a little light coming from the gap between door and frame.

Rei stopped. A little anxious, she pushed it open. Inside was dark, lit up by two candles. Both stood on the small table, on either side. The light drew warm lines down fabrics and smooth wood, fuzzed over plump cushions and things left on the floor from the day.

She gasped as she saw the shape on the couch. Judai was sat there, head in his hands.

“I’m sorry,” she squeaked, as politely as she could. Her heart was beginning to race. Slowly, Judai looked up.

“…Rei?”

There was no blood on his face, nor anything on his hands but warm light. He had taken his jacket off, but she could not see much of his shirt. Creeping closer, unable to stop herself, Rei tiptoed in. The door creaked behind her, until she was left in the room with the candles, and Judai, and the rest of the darkness.

Her foot hit a cushion on the floor. Seeing it, she sat down, hands in her lap. He was almost above her as he kept his place on the couch.

“What are you doing here?”

“…Thinking,” he groaned.

It was not quite enough. Rei knew it was madness, but she could not stop herself standing up again, taking the cushion with her for comfort. There was space on the couch, next to him, and she took it. The feeling of someone else on the couch made Judai look up. In the light of the candles, his face was barren, the only thing filling it something like shock.

She was sitting next to a monster. Rei swallowed, but did not move any more.

“Think, then.”

It was the only thing she could say. She knew it was selfish. Saying nothing, she waited for some kind of answer. It did not come for a long time.

The clock ticked on, the air cooling with silence.

“…I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had to see that.” Judai finally spoke up. Seeing no response, he backed off a little. His voice quietened. “Sorry for bringing it up again.”

“It’s fine,” she replied, bitterness still on her tongue. It was not so much the memory as it was the feeling of being next to him, to a creature she knew was neither human nor monster. His hands were clean, she saw, looking down - but blood covering them no longer seemed like such an alien sight, and it made her feel sick looking down any longer. “They… got you, right? That’s why.”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “Down here.”

One hand reached down, settling on his left shin. He lifted up the fabric of his jeans, and it was then that Rei saw the thick bandage. Like a white warning band, lit up in gold, it marked out what she knew was the place, the spread of the bandage blanking out any rash or reddening from the bite.

“Does it hurt?”

“Not any more.”

Sighing, Judai pulled the fabric back down, and he sat back as he had before. He did not say anything. His head sank into his hands, as if fighting a headache.

The questions Rei had still swum in her mind. There were too many to ask all at once, and they mixed with the rest of her thoughts, flashes of blood and screams and Marty’s innocent eyes before he had come to his end.

She had to stay strong. It hurt, but there was no choice.

“I heard it,” she spoke up, breaking the silence. “When you put my parents out of their misery. That evening, after you finished them, I… I heard someone being sick. That was you, wasn’t it?”

Judai didn’t look up. “…Yeah.”

“Was there poison in them? When you _ate them?”_

The wide eyes and shocked mouth she had expected from him never came. Judai’s head did not move out of his hands. If he was shaken at all by what she had said, then he was hiding it, and hiding it well - but after all of the deceit, Rei did not want to believe him. He was hurt - and he had to be, she decided - then he was probably suffering, deep down, under the weight of the lies, and whatever sanity still lay in his head and what was left of his heart.

His voice came out hoarse, cracking under the strain of things she could not see. “No. But maybe it would have been better if it had killed me.”

“Were you thinking of that when you ate them?”

His voice suddenly lashed out, breaking halfway. Rei drew back a score. She had not expected it.

“I… I wasn’t thinking of anything. I never wanted to do anything, but I had to. You weren’t there for a reason, Rei. We tried to protect you…” He shuddered halfway through the sentence. For a second, Rei swore she heard sobbing under his breath. “We tried to protect you. We… we put them down, and… I understand. I know what I did. I killed your parents.”

 _I know you did,_ Rei thought of saying - but there was no time.

“I know I killed them. But… we did it that way to protect you. We didn’t want you involved with anything else. Not with the _cleaning._ And damn it, if I ever see corpses again - and _I know I will,_ I know that I have to - I swear, I’ll consider all that you’re saying. I’ll think about killing myself. I know. I know I lied. I know what I did, but I swear. I swear, it was all to protect you.”

Rei thought of standing up and punching him for an instant. She did not need protecting. She could fight, and she had shown that already. Her arms and hands were scored with incisions, but the glass had not killed her. She could stay up as long as she needed to. She could fight, with her bat or a shovel, or anything, and she could fight if she wanted to, blue belt or not. Rei knew all she needed. She was strong, and she was sure of that, she swore under her breath, fighting against the way her own hands and arms and legs shook, her own body betraying her in that instant.

“I don’t need protecting,” she quaked. “I’m an adult. I’m just like you guys.”

Through her teeth, she knew she was lying - but the voice in her head, the same voice that had told her to be responsible, to act alone, to kill herself if she needed to, would not cease talking, and pushed the thoughts onto her. The pandemic, and all of the death, had made her an adult. She had survived the airborne onslaught. She had seen her parents turn, and seen Marty killed, and asked for the others to put down the family she had grown up with and loved.

She was one of the few left - and it made her an adult.

_I know. I know I’m thirteen…_

“I know,” Judai croaked. “I know. But we’re more adult than you. And… and we all made a promise. We said we’d look after you. Even before we… put down your parents. We couldn’t leave you alone. We’d do all that we could to keep you safe.”

“Safe?”

“Or as safe as we could. We didn’t want you involving yourself with your family’s bodies. We did it for you, and… we could hold up. We’ve seen so much of it out there. And… I just don’t know. I don’t know what it was about them, or you, or… or what we saw in that room,” he borderline choked.

Rei’s mind drifted to Marty. Something in her chest seized at the thought.

“…and it was too much. I’m sorry.”

She did not want things as they were to make sense - but in her head, deep in her heart and in the midst of the terrible feeling in the pit of her stomach, all of it came into place. The sight of blood, and gore, and whatever else was already filling the back of her throat with the taste of sickness. Judai was older, but he was a survivor, all the same: like her, like Shou and like Asuka. The more Rei’s head filled up with images, the worse it became.

She could only imagine feeling corpses with bare hands, fingers twisting in entrails, their tips having to close the lids upon eyes pale as death.

“But you ate them still,” she said.

“I’m sorry. I had to. Asuka said, but… she was right. I thought I was going to faint.”

“When did you eat before that?”

“Four days. That’s as long as I last.”

He said it with desperation, as if he was just as weak at that moment. Rei hesitated, unsure if she could say anything else. Thinking of Judai, knife in hand and hands bloody, she could feel something rise in her throat.

Swallowing down the sick feeling inside, she looked up.

“You were out almost daily. What about then?” She hesitated to ask.

Judai looked back, as earnest as she had ever seen him, and just as grim. “Then we were going out for supplies. Or just looking around. Shou didn’t want to give up hope looking for his brother.”

“He’s dead, isn’t he?”

It was too late to take it back, Rei realised as soon as the words had been said.

“…I don’t want to say it to him,” Judai sighed.

There was nothing but a feeling of terrible emptiness. Rei thought back to Marty for a moment, before her thoughts changed.

“There’s one more thing. With… with what happened to my parents.”

“What is it?”

“I remember. Asuka said it to me. You buried my parents, and Marty,” she said, voice turning to a rough sigh. “You… was that really their remains in the garden?”

His eyes turned away, dipping low to the ground. Rei heard him give out a sigh. He had submitted. Silently, he gave a solemn nod.

“I’m not lying. We really did bury them. And we did it as well as we could. Even if… even if I did things I know I shouldn’t have done.”

“You… you had no choice,” she said, remembering what Asuka had said. It did not feel like a lie.

“I don’t know. I don’t understand how I even work now. I don’t know why things went like this. I just have to have _something,_ or… or I’m scared. It might take over, and there won’t be a way back to being human again.”

He looked down at his hands, and it was then that Rei saw them shaking. “Can you not have anything else?”

“There isn’t anything similar. Not fresh, anyway. That’s why I had to break in and finish off the ones that were alive. They’re already gone, and I’m scared,” Judai cried out, breaking the quiet. “I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to keep losing myself. I want to be human again. _Really human.”_

He was warm by her side. The warmth did not feel terrible. It was like Judai had said, and like Asuka had insisted. He was no different from the boy she had played cards against, and no different from the kind but anxious face she had woken up to, hands holding the bottle of water that had almost revived her.

He had called for the others. Asuka and Shou had been there, all along. They had lied - but they had given her a place and a home. They had given her food and water, a towel and clothes, and a warm bed. They had shared conversations and duties around the house. They had been there. Asuka had offered her a hug outside in the cold. Shou had covered her eyes.

They were liars, she knew. They were also her keepers. They felt like kin.

They had survived hell on earth.

She was one of them, and alive.

“I… I know,” she croaked. Her throat needed water, like she had needed it on the day Judai had found her. She hurt, more on the inside than anything else.

Still, what she had by her side was enough. The light that came from the candles lit his skin up with fire. Judai was warm, heart beating against her as she felt him move closer. She could smell sweat on him, and what might have been blood. His hands were a little rougher than Asuka’s, fingertips dry but still warm, still alive.

She could say nothing. She knew she would cry.

All was quiet. Shou and Asuka were both safe and at home, from the steps she heard in the kitchen. Amongst the sound of her heart beating, Rei heard a faint rumble of thunder, and then, the start of a shower outside.

After the rain, she thought as she slept that night in her bed, there would always be hope for the sun.


	9. Chapter 9

**** The rain dried up. The birds sang in the morning. Rei felt almost alive.

She stretched her arms, changed clothes and ran a comb through her hair; one that Asuka had gifted her, along with the towel. It needed a wash, she thought.

Shaking her head, half-asleep, she took her towel and showered. She laughed at herself, thinking of putting her clothes on for the second time. The water refreshed. Even her clothes seemed to feel newer and her towel warmer and thicker. The light felt brighter, and she watched it stream through the window, past leaves and stones and the surface of roof-tops.

The sun had come out, for the first time in more than a week.

Somehow, the sight of it felt like energy in her veins. Rei’s walk down the stairs was more lively this time. The portraits hanging up by the stairs were alive with colours and faces. The stairs creaking were less frightening and more welcoming, less stiff under her feet. The birds were still singing as she opened the door to the kitchen, and she could hear them as she sat down at the table.

“Morning,” Shou said, stifling a yawn. In his hands was a newspaper; he turned it over, checking the date, before throwing it into the trash. 

“Good morning,” Rei replied. “What are you doing?”

It was then that she noticed. The kitchen was cleaner. The pile of old letters and papers from the edge of the table was gone. The fridge had been stripped clean of magnets. Even the calendar had been taken down from the wall.

“Cleaning,” he said. “Asuka thought the place needed it. You want to help, after breakfast?”

The mention of breakfast made Rei feel much happier. She ate a little too quickly, enough for Shou to tell her off. His voice was a laugh, more affectionate than strict. It made Rei think back to the past, when her father’s voice had been warm and her stepmother’s caring if a little more strict, and Marty had lumbered down the stairs, half-asleep, and been reprimanded for freezing up halfway through a cereal bowl.

They had no milk. Shou quirked an eyebrow at the sight of her eating it with her hands, out of the box, but only smiled back.

“They won’t know, right?”

They could hear the sounds of work being done. Asuka was in the living room, clearing the floor. The tap was on upstairs. The washing powder was gone from the kitchen. Rei tried not to think of  _ what exactly _ Judai was washing out of his clothes.

The image felt far less stark as she smiled, hand digging deep into a box of cereal, crumbs on her face and Shou’s voice talking back.

The morning flew by. Rei had never loved cleaning, but the house was not hers, and the people were different. Asuka asked her to clean the windows with her, and Rei followed. The smell of chemicals filled the room, a little strong but refreshing; something Rei had not been able to smell for weeks at a time in the homely, plain air of the house.

The windows were opened that day. Air from outside drifted in, and the taste of it on her tongue, fresher than ever, brought with it life. She felt alive that morning, so alive it did not feel real. The house was more spacious. Her steps were lighter. Her hair was not the filthy, heavy mess it had been. Her face did not feel so caked with dirt and dust.

She breathed in, and it filled her with everything.

Weeks ago, she had hated the smell of chemicals. That day, she could not bring herself to hate anything. She felt too light, and too free, as if someone had waved a wand and spelled all her troubles away, just for those moments.

Her hands were wet with water and cleaning fluids, and most likely reddened from them. She did not feel a thing, not until she put them away and sat down at the kitchen table, breathing out at the sight of the room. It still looked lived-in, but it was far less cluttered, and cleaner, and smelled of artificial oceans and pines.

The smell was fake, but felt so much better.

Asuka joined her not long after Rei finished, followed by Shou, and then Judai. The call down to the kitchen had been unanimous. Rei had not heard anyone shout, nor had she been told to come, but all four of them, tired out, sat down at the table, some with glasses of water and Judai with a piece of chocolate, small enough to make Shou glance over with jealousy.

Smiling, Judai offered him a piece. Shou took it with gratitude. Asuka shook her head, and Rei followed.

The room fell silent.

The clock ticked by on the wall. Rei felt her fingers tapping on the table surface subconsciously. Judai scrunched up the chocolate wrapper as Shou finished his piece.

It was strange, Rei thought, how normal he looked. His hands were clean, if a little dried out, palms a little reddened by his own blood under the skin. He had different clothes on from the night before. His old ones, Rei realised, were most likely dripping upstairs, but he did not smell of blood either, nor of washing powder and chemicals.

If anything, Judai smelled faintly of chocolate.

It felt wrong to stare. Rei could remember everything from the night before. For a moment, her eyes shut, and she thought back to blood and death; to the gunshot, to the sight of Judai on his knees by the corpse of the man, to sitting so close to him, to being scared of the inevitable bite, the very bite that had never come.

She was scared - scared still - but under the light, with the smell of chocolate clinging to him, the boy in front of her looked perfectly human.

He was.

Shyly, she took a breath in, and felt eyes moving towards her. “I… I’m sorry about what happened,” she said.

Asuka raised an eyebrow. “About what?”

“Judai. I’m sorry for how I acted last night.”

She was still far from certain. The light of the sun in his hair, for a heartbeat, looked like fierce lightning. The smear on his hand seemed to turn red, before Rei looked closer. It was nothing more than a little chocolate.

“It’s all right,” Judai said, sighing. A free hand swatted the thought away like a fly. “Maybe it’s best if we forget it.”

Forgetting would not be possible, Rei knew. The image - the light, the body, Shou trying to urge her back, blood - would be with her forever. And yet, she thought, it had not haunted her sleep the night prior. Her vision had been clear. She had not woken up screaming and frightened.

The sun had come out. For the first time in a long time, she had woken up happy.

Asuka sighed, and Rei turned towards her. The others followed. There was a cough, as she cleared her throat, and her hands came together, as she tried to find the right words.

“Rei, we… we talked. The three of us. And you’re right. We… we’ve stayed here enough.”

It was not quite what Rei had expected. “What?”

“What you were saying, I mean. With what happened,” Asuka explained. “All of this. With… with the man out there, and the gun, and… everything. You’re right. What happened was terrible, and we thought. We… we were cooped up here, and we forgot what we came here for.”

“What we…”

“The reason. I know what happened yesterday wasn’t pleasant, but… I think back, and it’s reminded us of what we wanted to do. What we came out for. The reason we found you.”

Rei’s mind pulled her back. She could remember still the fuzzy feeling of asphalt, and the sight of the creature, neither living nor dead - then the feel of cold water, of Judai’s concerned face above her, and the stone walls of the back of the store.

Her stomach grumbled, thinking back to soft pastry.

“We’re not alone here. We have a chance, and we can’t just sit here for the rest of time. We’re going to move.”

Rei’s heart skipped a beat. Asuka’s voice had shaken, but stayed far calmer than she had thought. “Wait. Where?”

“Wherever,” Shou carried on. “We… we don’t know. Where it might take us.”

Judai nodded. “We found you when we were looking around in your part of town. There’s still a whole load of others.”

“People?”

“Might be. Places for sure.”

“Judai’s right,” Asuka said. “We… we don’t know how far the virus spread. It might be the town. It might be the country, or the whole world. There’s a reason there’s been so few of us still alive, and why the turned haven’t survived.”

It was why the sight of the living - the man with the gun, and even Rei herself - had been so surprising to them. The line between living and dead had been erased and fuzzed over. She had been one of the lucky ones. She was alive, but the turned were still there, still everywhere. Where that  _ everywhere _ ended, she could not tell.

“They’re like us. Like… like I used to be,” Judai excused himself. “Like… like I still am, or was, or might be…”

Rei could see the awkwardness in his eyes as he tried to find the right words. His eyes seemed to be pleading at her, as if afraid - afraid of scaring her, she realised, afraid of repeating what had already been. 

She understood. Things were no longer as broken as they had been.

“I… I know. You are. You still are,” Rei confessed. It was not a lie.

She had seen the truth. In front of her was a human, or not quite a human, but a creature human enough. His eyes were kind. His hands were calloused and tough, but they were the hands of a being like her. His heart still beat in his chest, and behind it she knew was real feeling, strong enough to make him, or her, cry with human emotion.

“You’re human,” she continued. “You’re real.”

Judai’s eyes lit up. Asuka and Shou stayed firm by his side, their looks full of relief.

Rei was not yet sure, in some ways. His eyes were human eyes, his hands human hands. The skin on his palms had dried out a little, but was far from cracking and bleeding. He spoke in sentences and clear words, and he laughed, too, when someone told a joke in the house.

At the same time, there had been more than blood on his hands.

The thought of him made her shiver - but she could not run. There were no chains. Her heart would not pound with terror as it had once before at the sight of him. He had been kind to her since the first time they had met. He was part of the group, part of their family, of their strange sibling-like existence that made Rei feel safe and warm under a warm, homely roof.

Judai was not her enemy.

“I… I trust you,” she finally confessed. “And that’s why. That’s why I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

Rei looked up. “But why?”

“Because… well, are you guys fine with it?” Judai looked to Shou, and then Asuka, on either side of the table. For a moment, there was no movement, until both of them nodded back, smiling.

“Does that mean…?”

“It means you’re one of us. Even if… even if you were scared of me. Even if you still are.”

She could say nothing back. Deep inside, she could feel something pricking, like the feeling she had when she knew she was going to cry. Her eyes and throat felt strange. It was coming.

The tears never came. There was only peace, and deep gratitude for what she had found in all three of them, and the house that had kept them all safe. There was a smile, a nod in agreement and a smudge from her hand as she dabbed at her eyes in precaution. Hands reached out into the centre of the table, and so they all touched, bound together in the silence of love.

Rei knew she was alive in that instant.

She spent that afternoon up in the room she called hers. She gathered what was left of her clothes, some laying around on the bed and some on the floor, some of her things on the bedside table and some she had left on top of the drawers. Her bags had not been full since the day after she had come to the house. It felt strange to be filling them up again.

Nobody had said much about coming back - but she knew that they would, one day. The road was wide up ahead. There were chances of others coming together. If they were wrong, then they would come back. If they were right, the option would always be there.

The place around her was home.

Her old house had turned cold as soon as Marty had fallen. The heating had died a few days after, as had the electricity - but it had already been cold, Rei thought. It had been cold from the first spilling of blood on the ground, from the moment her parents’ skin had started to dry and crack open, from the moment they opened new eyes that saw nothing but death. The cream of the walls had turned sickly-pale. The floor seemed to chill to the bone.

Asuka’s house had light walls, and she had asked for more blankets - but it had stayed warm. She had slept comfortably. She had not spent so many days on her toes, looking down to check for frostbite in paranoia.

The voice in her head had grown quieter. It had not gone. Sometimes, it would whisper:  _ why don’t you die? Why don’t you go? _

_ I’ll be going,  _ Rei thought straight back.  _ Going free. Going outside, going beyond. But I’m not leaving this life. _

She was thirteen. Thinking of Judai, even eighteen seemed too young to die.

Sighing, she pushed the small voice away, and continued to pack.

She was sat on the bed, wondering whether to give Asuka one of her shirts back, when she heard a knock at the door. Behind it was a familiar voice.

“Come in,” she said, looking back down at the shirt.

Judai peered in through the door and pushed it open a little. Hearing it creak, Rei put the shirt down and made room on the bed. He blinked back, surprised, but came in nonetheless. Sitting down, he waited for Rei to turn back. 

In his hands was a small towel, the same shade of pink as the one Asuka had given her on her first night in the house. “Rei. This is for you.”

He reached out, and Rei picked it up -

“Careful!”

\- feeling something solid beneath the pink fuzz. The small weight was not what she had expected. The towel barely moved up and down with the shape of whatever was in it. Prying gently, Rei unwrapped it.

Silver flashed.

Heart racing, her hand pulled the top layer all the way back.

In the pink towel, gleaming and deadly, was a knife. Her hands trembled, reluctant to touch, as she moved to pick it up and hold it. In her hand, it was larger than normal silverware, but not as big as some of the larger kitchen knives in Asuka’s house. The blade was clean. She did not want to touch it to check; it looked perfectly sharp.

The sight of it made her shiver. Scared, she wrapped it back in the towel, but did not let go of the bundle as it weighed down in her hands.

“…Why?”

It was the only thing she could ask, the shock still fresh.

Judai sighed. “This is from me to you. To keep you safe.”

The look in his eyes was the same as it had been on that dreadful night, in the gleam of the flashlight on the cold street outside. He was just as scared as her, and it only scared her that little bit more.

She had to put the knife down. “I… I don’t need - “

“If ever I come too close to you, or I start turning properly, I want you to use it.” He held out his hand when she tried to push the towel back to him. His head shook. Silently, Rei pulled back. “And don’t hold back. I want you to promise.”

“Promise you what?” Rei asked, barely above whispering.

“That you won’t hesitate. One day, you might need to use it.”

Rei swallowed. The way Judai looked at her made her think of Marty; of her step-brother pleading, the last look he had given her before he was pulled down. It was desperate. He was begging. His breaths felt heavier, as if burdened with fear - fear of himself, Rei realised, the same fear that had made her scream at the sight of blood on the ground, and so bright on his chin.

Still, she could not look away. She gripped the handle tight in her hands, the towel less soft now against her palms.

“I… I promise.”

It was not a lie. She would not let go. She was one of the house, one of four, one of a family. She would keep the vow, if it put him at ease.

She knew she would not be using it any time soon.

The voice in her mind told her lies. Rei had a promise to keep. Accepting the towel, she held it tighter than treasure, and tucked it away in her bag, tied up with ribbon that Asuka gave her. She did not ask what was wrapped in the towel.

Knowing her, Asuka probably knew.

There was not much more left to pack after that. The shirt went into Rei’s bag, along with the knife. The book Rei had brought to Asuka’s house was left on top of the drawers. She would read it again if she returned, she decided. Perhaps, it would not be as disappointing the second time round.

They would be setting out tomorrow, when it was light, Asuka told her. There was one more sleep left. Dinner was eaten, and Rei clung to sleep like a small child to a toy, barely wanting to leave. When the next time would be that she would have a bed of her own, she did not know, and neither did anyone else. She did not think of the outside as she slept. 

Her dreams were filled with kind memories, of her and Marty walking home after school and sharing chocolate bars.

She was the last to wake up that morning. Asuka had only smiled at her, and offered her the last of the pastries. The sun was still out, she saw through the window. Light was drawing lines on the floor. A good sign, she had said. The sky would be clear.

Rei came back upstairs to the sight of a coat on the bed.  _ You’d need one,  _ Shou had told her that morning. _ October’s not here forever. _

She heaved her bag up onto her shoulder, and tied the sleeves of the coat around her waist. Outside was the last taste of warmth they would have. Winter would come any time. The days were already shorter and shorter. 

_ I need to thank Asuka for that… _

Reaching down, careful to not lose the coat, she took a hold of her bat. It was a little more worn than it had been a week ago, or two weeks before that, or the whole of the season. 

_ Maybe I should get a replacement, if the store isn’t far. _

She had not yet been to it. It would be worth asking Asuka.

With one last look at the room, and the pink towel, and the soft shelter that was the bed, Rei shut the door. The photographs by the stairs looked on in their frames. Rei almost felt like waving them goodbye, but knew there was no point.

People were gone. People were dead and lost to the virus, or to the turned. She was alive.

Downstairs, the others were starting to gather. Judai was on his knees, sifting through one of the bags. Asuka was locking the door to the garden. A familiar, muddied shovel was in her free hand, and Shou took it from her, leaving her to finish turning the key, before she tucked it back into her pocket.

Shou opened a cupboard and shut it again. “Have we got stuff?”

“Think so. Want to stop by the store before we get anywhere?” Judai called back.

“Sounds good. Asuka?”

“Same here. Rei, you want anything?”

Rei stood for a moment, thinking. She had barely been able to squeeze a towel into her bag. Outside would be colder. Her bat was a little bit worn, and the thought of chocolate, even just after breakfast, made her mouth water.

“Decide when we get there,” Judai grinned, seeing her silence. Smiling back, Rei gave a nod. 

The others stood back to let Asuka pass. The telltale sound of keys rattling made Rei’s heart race. The house was still theirs to come back to, but outside was everything. Outside was a world that she barely knew, and roads to traverse, and the hope that they were not the only survivors.

_ It’s what you’d want. You’d want to keep going, too. _

Rei fought back tears.

By then, the door was already open. The corridor was empty, but the others were out, just ahead. The scrape of the shovel hitting the ground made Rei jump and look out. 

“All right,” Judai breathed out, stretching out as he took in the taste of the air. By his side, Shou picked up the shovel. “Shall we get going?” 

Asuka turned around. The keys gave a jangle as she held them up in her hand. “All right. Rei?”

The sound of her name made her jump. “Huh?”

“You coming?”

The question was open, but her answer was clear. “Yes.”

Breathing out and throwing off the heaviness in her chest, Rei stepped outside. Her gaze drifted up to the sky, bright with thin clouds. Behind her, Asuka locked up the house.

_ That’s it, _ she thought.  _ That’s the beginning. _

The birds were singing as always. The sun was out. The air was growing colder, and winter was coming. Soon, she would be needing her coat; but it felt good to be without one for once, to be freer and bolder, to be alive and to stand outside, feeling the breeze in the air and watching clouds drift.

It was her, Asuka, Shou and the flesh-eater -  _ no, Judai,  _ she thought.  _ Asuka, me, Shou and Judai. All of us, together, like this, like that time in the house with the bed. Asuka’s house. The place that I’m leaving. _

_ We’re like this. They’re dangerous, and they’re strange, and they’re all I have now. We’re family. This is my family. I want to care for them, just like they’ve been caring for me. I am strong, but we’re stronger together, like this. I know it. I love them. _

_ And,  _ she thought with tears in her eyes,  _ I want to stay alive, even if things are like this. _

_ I don’t want to die,  _ she decided, eyes raised to the sun and the path of the road stretching ahead. The shovel in her hands scraped on the ground, but she did not flinch. She was strong, and she was going to make it - not alone, not this time, but as one of her family, as one of the four of them, and they would make it together.

They had made it out of despair. The road was still wide.

_ I don’t want to die,  _ she thought as she took the first step.

_ I want to live. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's an epilogue.


	10. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Click went the lighter, echoing in the silence. A tiny flame flickered in the breeze of the morning. Ryou watched it, transfixed, trying not to think of the taste lingering in his mouth. 

He needed a fix. The sight of the flame did not feel good enough, and neither did the ache as he brought it up to his skin. A few hairs were singed, but it no longer satisfied. It had not been enough for a while now. The taste on his tongue was strong, still, no matter how much he swallowed it down, no matter how much saliva there was. Fubuki had offered him water. It had not helped.

Sighing, he reached into his pocket. Fingers flicked open a cardboard lid, creased with movement. He touched one of the things and pulled it out, closer to himself, even the touch of it spreading something like comfort through all of his being. He hated it, but he needed it too, just as he had known he had needed something else only minutes ago.

The deed had been done. The taste was still fresh. The roof of his mouth felt like he had been sucking on metal.

The cigarette felt too small in his hands. His joints would not stay still as he tried to keep hold of it, thin and deathly, pale as a poisonous mushroom between his fingers. Still, he lit. The lighter clicked in his left hand. The cigarette stayed, just for a moment, in his right, enough for him to light it up and for the first trails of smoke to start seeping.

Ryou took a puff.

Fubuki would tell him off again, he knew; but for the sake of what it meant, for the way the taste of his own death calmed his nerves and the sick feeling down in his stomach, he took it in, and breathed out. He watched the puffs dance, head sinking into one hand. The pain was not settling.

It would settle, he thought as he inhaled. The smoke trailed white, cloud-like against the blue of the sky. It hurt a little, but it refreshed, too, in a way that he could not quite describe.

“You know that shit’s bad for you.”

A pair of brown boots kicked against the kerb. Ryou did not jerk up. He could not bear to move.

“I know,” he sighed. “I might as well. Not like this body of mine could get any more fucked up.”

His hand ghosted over his sleeve. Beneath were the raised bumps of a scar.

“Ryou…”

Fubuki’s voice caught in the cool of the breeze, just like the smoke. Ryou turned around. The look in Fubuki’s eyes wavered, as if hiding something.

He did not want to hurt him. Fubuki was all that he had. The roads around them were empty, and they had been empty for days - weeks, he realised. Weeks had passed, and the touch of the knife was no longer enough, the lighter’s small fire no more effective.

The smoke, he hoped, would be enough. He no longer choked on it, each inhalation nothing more than an extension of simple breathing, of taking in air and smoke and toxicity: what he knew, and hoped, deep down, would be the taste of his death, before his own death would come to be tasted.

_ Circle of life,  _ Fubuki had said.  _ The damn circle, _ he thought. 

Groaning as he got up, he crushed the butt of the cigarette under his shoe. The taste that stayed behind made him cough.

“You all right?”

Fubuki leaned over, his hair trailing over his shoulders.

_ I wonder what Shou’s hair is like now. Long hair always did suit him… _

“Fine,” Ryou said. “Just needed a moment.”

“Think we should get going?”

He looked back with caution. Fubuki was tired, probably just as tired as he was, though maybe a little fuller from their makeshift breakfast. He had taken care to throw out the cans, walking for longer than needed in search of a trash can, even when there was no point. Nobody collected the trash any more. Nobody cared if they threw leftovers on the ground to feed to the rats. There had been more rats around since the humans had died, and Ryou had spotted a few more that morning, gnawing on the red remains of a corpse.

_ Guess that’s what I am now,  _ Ryou thought _. I’m a rat, but I’m alive in this place. _

It was probably better than being dead, he decided.

Saying nothing, he picked up the bags on the ground. One went onto his back. The other he threw on his shoulder. Soft clothing padded it out, ballooning the bag into a shape that Ryou could barely fasten, but the straps had stayed on this time.

He moved the straps of his rucksack and heard bottles give off a jangle. 

“Ryou?”

“Hm?”

He turned around. Fubuki had taken the last of the bags, holding it up in his hands like a gift. There was still something uneasy about him, he realised, and he stopped.

“Wait,” Fubuki hesitated. “There’s a bit.”

His hand appeared to fidget, gravitating up to his face. Ryou realised.

“Where?”

“Just… there.”

Fubuki pointed at his own chin, and Ryou mirrored the action. There was a crust under his fingertips. He spat onto them, and rubbed at the skin, until the reddish-brown came apart. Part of it flaked on his fingertips. They drew a small, rusty line with the rest of it, and just as quickly, Ryou wiped it away.

“Better?”

“Yeah. It’s gone.”

Ryou sighed. His hand drooped down again. He brushed his hand against the dark of his jeans. The rest of the blood fell away. Saliva sank into fabric. One sleeve smeared off the rest of the damp on his chin.

“Yeah. Let’s get going,” he said.

The sky up above made him think of summer. Summer was long gone. Fubuki led on, and Ryou followed, tugging at the collar of his black coat and wishing he was not so sensitive to the temperature. His bones already felt frozen. His throat hurt. His stomach had yet to settle, and he closed his eyes for a moment, trying to dispel the thought of what he was, and what he had become, and what - whose remains - he had eaten that morning.

Ryou walked on. He did not complain as he let out a shudder. It would be winter soon.

Shining down on the cold road was sunshine.

**_End_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there you have it. As grim as I ended up feeling, I finished this story. That's an achievement. Maybe somebody out there will find this enjoyable.
> 
> Please leave a comment - they mean many many good things to me, and I treasure every one that I get.
> 
> Many thanks!  
> Celestos


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